What would you do?

[Outonbluesix]

The inevitable has happened and my alcoholic ex has succumbed to the inevitable cirrhosis of the liver and died on Friday, RIP, 48 is no age to go.

My ex PIL, who I have always stayed friendly with, have been in contact asking that our 3 DDs, 18, 15 and 13 go to the funeral.

I have been pretty much NC for 6 years, years of drunken physical and mental abuse tend to do that, and the girls NC for 18 months.

I had to tell the girls on Friday, the oldest said 'about time to' the youngest 'why should I care', middle one was more upset but none of them want to go to the funeral.

My ex PIL are lovely people and obviously distraught at their loss, I don't want to upset them anymore than they are already but can't force the girls to go, I won't be there to support them.

On the other hand I don't want them to regret missing it in the future.

There will also be the question of the new partner who the girls all hate with a vengeance.

I can't ask anyone in RL as they all have such a jaundiced view of the ex that it's not worth even starting the conversation.

Any thoughts?

I agree that you should respect the childrens decision . And that you should get professional advice on how to help them deal with this . It's still a loss, even though she was a crap mother . Even if it's just the loss of hope that she might ever change .

To everyone who is saying that the children should go for the GP sake - they are teenagers , and their mother has just died . It's not their job to be there for the adults , it's the other way round .

www.winstonswish.org.uk

You poor things - what you have all endured is hideous. Did the girls know that she was ill and near death or was it sudden? Did they contemplate that death was inevitable - or were they hoping she would see the light and become sober?

I agree with many on here - your DDs are the biggest victims of this and should not be wheeled out against their will to assuage someone else's pain.

To those concerned that they may regret not going in years to come - I say they are more likely to regret actually going -someones story says it all.

They have already made an informed decision to go NC for 18 months so they are somewhere on the road to detachment / acceptance.

I think that their grief of not having a mother and coming to terms with her life choices and her abandonment of them in her lifetime is much more significant than the physical passing of her death - this is what they will continue to wrestle with their whole lives. Support their healing (and yours) and respect that they have seen enough experienced enough to make their own informed decisions.

I would also be careful of exposing them to the xPIL grief .... maybe they can evolve that relationship when the dust has settled.

The PIL need to be there for their DGDs not the other way round.

Also in these situations people are polarised - some people are raging angry with the alcoholic and others sympathetic and compassionate - this could divide and fracture the relationship with you xPIL and your DD if this were the case. All need to agree to disagree - and respects each others hurt and take on the situation.

I am so sorry for you and your daughters. But you have a line in the sand where you can work from now - you are not all hanging around waiting for the inevitable phone call.

Op, sorry for reading the the ex was the father.

I'd be interested to know what the experience is of the people saying it's important to go and they'll regret it if they don't. Etc

Firstly, as for funerals being about supporting the living. Yes, that is true. But the daughters are also "the living" and they need to be supported too. It is not the job of 3 teenage girls to support grandparents, who have each other. It just isn't.

Secondly, I was uncertain about going to my dad's funeral. I went for my children, for my brother and his family. It wasn't very nice. We were ignored by his friends and his new wife and her family. My dad's marriage to my mother was talked about as an unhappy mistake (it was) in the eulogy and my brother and I were no more than the by-products and unfortunate reminder of that marriage mentioned in passing. Whereas his new wife and family were talking about extensively in terms of how much he loved them and what a wonderful family he had. We weren't viewed as family members or people whose dad had died. That was reserved for his new wife/ILs/children.

Anyway, your situation is not mine, but it's naive of people to assume that funerals are the same thing/experience to all people.

I wish I hadn't gone. All it did was reveal to me just how unimportant we were in the grand scheme of his life and that is the overriding feeling I have been left with.

FolkGirl has echoed how I felt recently at a funeral, I didn't even realise how I felt until I read her very wise words.

Op, please make sure that your daughters have your total support. They need it.