What would you do?

[Outonbluesix]

The inevitable has happened and my alcoholic ex has succumbed to the inevitable cirrhosis of the liver and died on Friday, RIP, 48 is no age to go.

My ex PIL, who I have always stayed friendly with, have been in contact asking that our 3 DDs, 18, 15 and 13 go to the funeral.

I have been pretty much NC for 6 years, years of drunken physical and mental abuse tend to do that, and the girls NC for 18 months.

I had to tell the girls on Friday, the oldest said 'about time to' the youngest 'why should I care', middle one was more upset but none of them want to go to the funeral.

My ex PIL are lovely people and obviously distraught at their loss, I don't want to upset them anymore than they are already but can't force the girls to go, I won't be there to support them.

On the other hand I don't want them to regret missing it in the future.

There will also be the question of the new partner who the girls all hate with a vengeance.

I can't ask anyone in RL as they all have such a jaundiced view of the ex that it's not worth even starting the conversation.

Any thoughts?

and if they don't want to/feel the need ?

Maybe you could just have a chat with them about what they think funerals are about? Then talk about grief, closure, saying goodbye (even just to say goodbye to that part of their life if not the person). Just an open chat about all the reasons people go to funerals, what might be difficult about going, what might be difficult about not going...but emphasise that it's your job as a parent to ensure they've thought it through but you will support whatever decision they make.

I've always had a problem with difficult situations, always try to opt out, take the easy route, I know I'm doing it now.

You're right. I'll speak to the PIL, the funeral is Friday, I'll see if the girls change their minds.

Thank you all for your thoughts

I'm in the camp of not going.

My father asked to see my DB and I when he was dying. We didn't go.

After years of abuse he blew his chance. Any apology would've been totally based on his feelings and fears on dying. It meant nothing. He had years to turn around a relationship with us.

We didn't attend the funeral. I have absolutely no regrets.

We visited his grave about a year later. And when I go to visit my grandparents graves I will stop by to look at his.

But when I see it I feel nothing but emptiness and anger at his treatment of us, the fear and violence he brought into our lives. I never feel remorse.

She chose to follow her own path in life at the expense of her children. The children owe her nothing. They didn't ask to be born into that situation.

Tell the PIL that you will not attend.

Can you give them a chance to mourn her passing in a different way, maybe the four of you together go somewhere special on the day of the funeral but not the actual funeral, her passing can be recognised then in your own personal way as a family unit:3 girls one dad together.
The grandparents could be visited on another day also perhaps as they are important people to the girls.
I'm So sorry for you all.

Absolutely what AF has said.

Dress it up in whatever diplomatic language you like but let your exPILS know that your dds won't be attending and, if they persist, make it clear that it would be not only be wrong, it could do them untold psychological harm to force/coerce them to do so.

It may be that at some future date one or all of your dds will regret not attending and, should this occur, reassure them that they made the best possible decision at the time and that it isn't necessary to go to a funeral in order to say goodbye or make peace with the deceased.

In any event, during their long lives to come your dds will attend numerous funerals and I have no doubt that they will remember him at every one of them.

As a courtesy to your PILs, I suggest you send a condolence card from yourself and a hand-tied bouquet or posy of sunflowers to the funeral directors from your dds. If you're in London www.stemsuk.com are based in New Covent Garden and can be relied on to deliver the freshest flowers in the market.

Wally

I would go.

I can't make them of course, it's their choice, but I would explain it's last goodbye. Last orders.
She goes in her box and that's that.

They can grieve if they choose or they can close that book and move on. Either way a funeral helps, in a brutally honest way.

I do feel sorry for the grandparents, they are burying their child.

Just read your last post ...I think talking to PIL vital keep them involved .but I personally believe that the decision is for you and your children to make and to be respected ..surely PIL will support this if you talk openly to them

The mourning / grieving process is important though however which way you go about it ..it needs to be recognised in order for the girls and you to move on .
I would seek out professional guidance on this to support the girls they have still lost a mother which ever way you look at it.
But that doesn't mean they should go to the funeral ....my view

Just to add please DON'T try to guilt trip your dds into going as that has the potential to backfire bigtime and you'll be the one bearing the brunt of their angst.

They've made their decision; respect it because expressing their feelings in this manner is a vital step to their coming to terms with whatever traumas they've endured in their young lives and will enable them to cross over the threshold into womanhood with confidence in their ability to do what is right for them regardless of 'social' or other pressures.

Funerals do help grief, so for that reason I would go and take them with you.

If you think your DDs aren't grieving, you're very wrong - they are, but they're grieving for their real mother (the one they never met) as well as the woman in the coffin. That counts too.

If you want your DDs to achieve any sort of resolution, rather than remain vessels of pain, fear and fury, then encourage them to stand by the grave and watch part of the story - her story - end. Most importantly, you can all then begin a new chapter of their own stories.

My exs alcoholic mum died when he was 16, he had lived with his gran for a long time by then and didnt see or speak to his mum. He didnt go to her funeral and doesnt regret it.
Listen to your DDs. I think its their choice.

I would 100% allow your dds to make their own decision. They are old enough.

My mother was a alcoholic, I was non contact with her for 12 months before she died, I did go to the funeral but I was 40 at the time and had the huge support of my DH. I didn't go to the wake and still haven't visited her grave 9 years later. I still feel immense anger towards her.

My dds were 15 and 12 at the time. I let them make their own mind up and they didn't want to go. We spoke about it recently and they don't regret the decision at all, they told me they were frightened of her

I'm so sorry you and your dds have had to go through all this.

Corygirl with all due respect, imo you are talking rubbish.

That sound eminently reasonable, DrMorbius, but, as the death of their alcoholic dm will have re-opened old wounds and made their emotions raw, now is not the time and the funeral is not the place to start building bridges or re-integrating with their wider family members. Maybe in 6 months' or a year's time they'll feel differently... but maybe not.

Don't make them go, reassure them about their decision not to go, and, as someone said upthread, they can always visit the grave/cemetery another time. Don't make them talk to the GPs, they have obviously different views at this time and it isn't fair on either side to make them talk. Stand up for your girls and explain to the exPILs, however you decide to do it, that you and your DDs will not be there.

They really need you to be on their side OP. Who knows, maybe their grandparents will totally understand.

If I was a daughter abandoned by my mother because alcohol and another guy were more important, I'd hardly want to spend the day listening to heartwarming unfelt anecdotes and possibly people asking why I'm not more upset, or getting me involved in the grieving process.

I'm sure they did their grieving when she left their lives. Why put them through it again.

Hope you're feeling ok, OP.

My alcoholic dad died when I was 25, after 15 years of abdicating any real parental role. I was NC with him for the last year of his life.

I didn't have qualms about the funeral - I went. But if I had felt any differently about it and I had been told I should go to spare the feelings of someone else, I would have hit the roof. The anger I felt at the time would not have allowed me to do anything other than go ballistic at someone making demands of me.

The hardest thing was talking to people trying to give their condolences. I wanted to tell each and every one of them to can it and stop patronising me because we all knew that my dad hadn't given a shit for years. I may as well not have gone - it didn't help me say goodbye or mean anything to me.

Their instinct about this will be very strong and just that - instinct. As a previous poster has said, they may regret it, but if they do it can be dealt with alongside all the others tif that they will work through over the next however many years.

for you and your daughters.

*other stuff

Please don't try to make them go or ask them to explain their choice to anyone. Listening to good stories about their mother may only make their own memories of her harder to bear.

Can the 4 of you do something special on the day to grieve for the person she once was and let them talk if they want to, or not if they don't?

I'd speak to the PILs and explain the girls don't want to go and that it would probably be more appropriate for the 6 of you to do something alternative at a later date to remember her by.

THey will have a lot of grieving to do still for the mum they never had

Do you write melodramatic Victorian style novellas in your spare time, Corygal?

The mother's story ended at the time of her death and her daughters are in no way obliged to observe the disposal of her remains, nor should they be compelled to do so under any guise whatsoever.

We're never "old enough" to easily deal with matters such as the death of an abusive relative and the complex emotions it arouses, OP, but we can and should respect the decision of those younger than ourselves to abstain from attending a funeral if that choice is made of their own free will.