Met someone new, but the sex wasn't what I expected, any thoughts?

[creativeme]

Hello...

Well I have posted on here a few times as been single a good year and a half now and your help has been amazing thank you......However in the last few months I have "finally" met a really sweet guy, who I feel is on the same wavelength with me.

As I had such a horrendous last relationship with a controlling partner, I felt I wanted to meet someone the opposite which has been the case here. Im 40, he is 48 and he just had his divorce through in February of this year after 12 years marriage with a really awful, controlling ex partner who reaped him financially where he's having to borrow money to pay her off still. He doesnt want to tell me everything about her but I think he went through quite a heavy depressive time, only for his family to not speak to him for 2 years, dad and brother which sounds incredibly horrific for anyone to disown anyone like that because of an ex partner. All is ok now since they divorced.

She does still come up in conversation i.e. don't have a ring tone the same as hers as it brings up bad memories of her, all I fear is a text coming in thats negative as its normally from her with those nasty words texting me in the past, she was that nasty, she was on anti depressants etc etc....so I think I have a good picture of what she is like.

After a while, getting to know one another, we end up sleeping together as the chemistry is amazing between us and we are so in sync with one another being open etc, however (and this is rather awkward for me to write this) me thinking, the chemistry is strong which it is, when we get down to it, he wants to please, he says, but 2 hours later (after feeling somewhat sore and knackered like another gym session and drained) he still hasnt come. I feel pretty urgh?? so much built up passion...He says he likes to be in control but I kind of like just going with the flow and seeing what happens and if one person is first, hey who cares, we can go again. My last long term relationships where they were amazing physically, were exactly that, hence why it was so many years we were together etc.

I didnt want to stay over at his either, which isn't like me. Instead I am home feeling a tad deflated or perhaps disappointed and knackered incase we had t go through a marathon again the next morning..... my expectations may have been too high or assuming it would be something else and it not been.

2 hours...literally.....he didnt go soft, so perhaps a good thing but after 2 hours we had to have a break (food lol) then he was turned on again, but he couldn't get hard so, at 2am...Im thinking, Im losing my energy levels here and need to go home before i pass out. So I did and asked him to finish off himself (oops) I know I know, that sounds terrible but i was trying to think not another 2 hours .....and wanted him to feel more relaxed at ease. I have mentioned to him I feel he is uptight which he admits he is and he said he will trust or finds trust an issue, his ex ended up being unfaithful.

He's quite happy with me by the looks of things but Im hoping this isn't an issue, as for me this area is such a big thing xx - any ideas or anyone had the same. Looks like all he wants is to please me which is lovely and isn't selfish but 2 hours....I cant even do 45minutes in the gym - ouch!! - I'm aching this morning...I feel old....oh boy!!

I havent mentioned this to him as I don't want to do or say anything that may hurt him again so will find the time when its right if this happens again, definitely feel its a trust, nervous thing

xx thank you xx

All these poor men who are supposedly ripped off by their exes who 'get the house' or have to 'paid off' have either agreed to that or the court has ordered that as a fair division of the assets.

Both parties are not always 100% happy with the financial outcome on divorce, but how someone can be truly ripped off I am not sure.

"A finger up the backside usually sorts it out though if you get sick."

Just a hot Lemsip drink will be fine, thanks.

MadeMan that made me laugh.

OP have you spoken to him yet? I do agree with a lot of posters that the sex is not the big issue here, it's the ex (or rather, whether it's the ex or him). It's really not a good sign when someone badmouths their ex so much. Even if they were really bad, would you go on and on about it to a new partner? Has he moved on? He sounds very bitter. If she was awarded a much bigger financial settlement by the court than he thinks she should have had, then it's likely that he is in the wrong rather than the court, that he didn't want to give what she was actually entitled to or needed in order for things to be fair (or to enable her to look after their kids, possibly). It's a red flag about his character.

Another red flag here is the stuff like don't have a ring tone the same as hers as it brings up bad memories of her he's already telling you what to do and justifying it in relation to a previous evil/psyco ex. Classic. It starts off small, and you get in the habit of doing what you're told, and it progresses gradually without you noticing. So it'll be at first a ringtone, then maybe a dress, talking to a man, going out when he doesn't want to, not wanting sex, not understanding him (ie not giving him his own way in any situation he chooses). It might be just about the ringtone, or he might be setting up a running theme in how he'll try to control you in the relationship. Of course if you call him out on it, it'll be you being crazy because of your ex.

It might not be this, but just be aware at this stage, some of his behaviours are not positive.