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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sorry to waste your time but please help me do the right thing this time

40 replies

LyraIsLost · 01/08/2015 09:56

I have been in this situation so many times now and have posted before under different names but have always stayed. My husband hit me again yesterday for the second time in a week. He slapped me hard across the face three times, spat on my face, stood over me so I couldn't move away. He did it last week - first time in ages - and the next day tried to make me slap him so we were "equal".

He is furious because he thinks I am greedy and only care about money. This is because I said I am sick of him not contributing to rent (6 years I have paid it). He says that because he pays the bills he has done his bit and also because I earn more. I never ask him for money, don't need to, but I told him several weeks ago that I am sick of the assumption that I will just pay it. Anyway I guess that's all beside the point.

Yesterday he told me that I am a fat ugly cow who is lucky to be with him, that when he has shown our wedding photos to colleagues they have expressed shock that he is with someone ugly and fat. I am a size 16 for the record, a bit overweight yes but he is cruel beyond belief.

I haven't wanted to sleep with him for years and the last few years we have done it every few months, I just can't bring myself to do anything. I am crap at keeping the house as I work in a high pressure job and am usually too tired or depressed to bother. These are his main gripes.

A couple of months ago we agreed to divorce and I am now kicking myself for not going through with it while he was amenable. I backed out at the last minute thinking it could work. Since then we have decided to move back to the UK from overseas and I have a job offer. Since yesterday I want a divorce and to move back alone.

I am scared I won't be able to sort the divorce in time now and will risk the new job if I can't move when planned. Or that I will be a total moron again and decide it is easier to have a quiet life and keep going as we are and move together.

I feel like this move is a chance to break away but I don't know how to make myself stick to my guns.

Help me to be sure please that I am doing the right thing

OP posts:
Original poster
LyraIsLost · 01/08/2015 09:58

I should add that getting a divorce here if both parties are agreeable and no kids are involved can literally take a couple of weeks. However if the husband won't agree I don't know what the situation is. I don't know if he can stop me leaving.

OP posts:
Ohbollocksandballs · 01/08/2015 10:01

He absolutely can not stop you leaving. When he is out of the house you either pack his shit turf it out and change the locks, or yours and go.

Please, OP, don't end up doing what i did and start a family with someone abusive. Don't put yourself in a situation where you're fearing for your life.

He won't change, he will only get worse, and I promise you that. It sounds like you know what you need to do.

chairmeoh · 01/08/2015 10:02

This is a brilliant opportunity for you! The perfect way to start a new, happy life. You deserve this, you've earned it. Go for it!

Do you need to be divorced before you move back? Could you just move back separately? I realise that you exH is a bastard and is likely to make it as difficult as possible for you, so do you have friends/family that can help you practically and emotionally?

Do you have DC?

SanityClause · 01/08/2015 10:03

As far as I understand it, where you get married doesn't affect where you can get divorced.

It sounds like there may not be many assets of he marriage, if you are renting (or do you own in the UK?) so should be a fairly simple split. Unless, of course you have children. Do you?

SanityClause · 01/08/2015 10:05

Okay, good, no children.

Why can you not move back? Are you in a country where you need your H's permission for an exit visa?

Bluecarrot · 01/08/2015 10:07

You know you deserve better! Have you spoken to the police?

I think you need to take the risk he won't agree and and get yourself out of this situation asap. Do you need to stay in the country to get the divorce? Even in the case of domestic violence?

CalleighDoodle · 01/08/2015 10:08

confratulations on the job offer.
Congratulations on realisig youre wasting your life on an abusive dick.
I dont know about the legal stuff with you being abroad but could you not start the dovorce when back in the uk?

hesterton · 01/08/2015 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LyraIsLost · 01/08/2015 10:16

Thanks for replying. No kids and no assets so in theory very simple. I'm not sure if he can put a block on me exiting the country, I think I need to ask a lawyer. I believe I could get a divorce in the UK but would rather it was just sorted now. Will go to court on Tuesday morning and see if they will accept my application if he's not present. He won't play nice now so I need to be prepared for him to make it as hard as possible. I would love him to get out of our home but there's no way he will unless he absolutely legally has to. I don't understand why he chooses to live in a tense and horrid atmosphere, he has done in the past and given silent treatment for over a month. I can't afford to leave as contract is in my name but he could easily move out if he wanted. Why would someone choose to prolong such a miserable atmosphere this way?

Yesterday as he screamed in my face and told me no one would ever give a shit about me and that he would treat me like a dog to teach me how I should be grateful, I just thought, you are insane.

He says that his friends who treat women like "dogs" are much happier. I used to be a strong woman who believed in female empowerment, how did I end up with someone who thinks this way?

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhen · 01/08/2015 10:20

Which country are you in?

Vatersay · 01/08/2015 10:20

Leave him. Come home.

SanityClause · 01/08/2015 10:22

Why can't you leave? You could just give notice and leave! If he doesn't leave, he will effectively be squatting, and will need to negotiate with the landlord, if he wants to stay.

I understand you would prefer to get divorced as soon as possible, without dragging things out, but if he's not amenable, surely it's better to just come back to the UK, and start your new job, and take it from there?

TalkingintheDark · 01/08/2015 10:24

There must be a British consulate there? Can you get advice from them?

TalkingintheDark · 01/08/2015 10:25

Or yes, just leave without telling him.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/08/2015 10:26

What would happen if you were not there to pay the rent? Is the contract in joint or sole names

TRexingInAsda · 01/08/2015 10:33

He is furious because he thinks I am greedy and only care about money.

No he wasn't, he just hit you because he enjoys it, because he's a cunt. Leave.

Somethingtodo · 01/08/2015 10:35

You need to get out of everything - quickly safely and legally - speak to a lawyer about divorce, exit visa and your rental lease.

Once you know the score - give your notice to your Landlord, leave the property and country immediately if you can and then issue divorce proceedings.

Then come home - take the job - dont worry about the divorce. It is paperwork in your situation. Then when you are free get some emotional support - speak with womans aid - read all of the books/blogs/resources recommended on here.....you have a lot to unpick and process....you will the soon understand *"....how did I end up with someone who thinks this way?"

Let us hold your hand -- can you write a list of the first 3 things you need to do escape - (eg, make an appt with lawyer, read your lease re rent obligations and notice period, check passport/exit visa etc) - keep your cards close to your chest. Tell us when you have taken each babystep so that we can congratulate you.

wotoodoo · 01/08/2015 10:36

I hope you are able to report the assault. Treat him as a stranger, if a stranger did that you would report it. Try to detach. Thank god you thought he was insane, he is. He is no longer the person you fell in love with and you are not being treated well at all.

It's going to be tough emotionally but you can do it. The more of a distance you can put between yourselves the better, both physically and emotionally. Imagine he is your employee.

Imagine yourself without this toxic pyschologically damaging and negative force in your life. You are going to be able to have an amazingly bright future. He is like a tumour eating away at you.

Good luck op, you can do it but you might need to envisage it as a business project as you seem very capable in your career.

Try to muster up all your business strength and detach. All the mumsnetters will hold your hand and not let you waiver this time so don't worry about that!

pocketsaviour · 01/08/2015 10:38

I don't understand why he chooses to live in a tense and horrid atmosphere, he has done in the past and given silent treatment for over a month.

Because he is a violent, abusive man who relishes your pain and fear :(

I second a PPs suggestion to speak to the British consulate of whatever country you are in. (Middle East?) How long is left on your rental contract?

antimatter · 01/08/2015 10:39

Move back to UK ASAP. I believe you can request divorce here as well.
You've no kids probably no assets so you are fine but I would make sure to have some legal document that you are separated and you aren't responsible for his debts.

antimatter · 01/08/2015 10:40

if the flat is rented in your name give notice to the agent and move out without telling him.

antimatter · 01/08/2015 10:41

I can't afford to leave as contract is in my name - how log is it left till contract expires?

You can think of that outstanding rent as a price for freedom.

Original poster
LyraIsLost · 01/08/2015 10:48

I need to give a month notice for both apartment and job which I will do as soon as I have an offer letter. If I can get the divorce here he will move out as legally will be in trouble if he stays. If I can't then I will maybe move into a hotel apartment? The thing is if I can't get the divorce here he will see me getting rid of things and I think he will then totally lose it. I can't leave the apartment full of our furniture and everything, I would get in trouble with the landlord.

I don't think calling the police will help where I am.

Thanks for your support

OP posts:
whatsagoodusername · 01/08/2015 11:00

Organise the things you want to keep quietly, contact a second hand shop or clearance company to sell your furniture and arrange for them to clear out your apartment the day before you leave. As soon as they're gone, hand the keys over to your landlord and stay in a hotel for your last night.

whatsagoodusername · 01/08/2015 11:01

And just bin everything the clearance people won't take if you don't want it. Don't sort that, just throw it all in bin bags and go.