Sorry to waste your time but please help me do the right thing this time

[LyraIsLost]

I have been in this situation so many times now and have posted before under different names but have always stayed. My husband hit me again yesterday for the second time in a week. He slapped me hard across the face three times, spat on my face, stood over me so I couldn't move away. He did it last week - first time in ages - and the next day tried to make me slap him so we were "equal".

He is furious because he thinks I am greedy and only care about money. This is because I said I am sick of him not contributing to rent (6 years I have paid it). He says that because he pays the bills he has done his bit and also because I earn more. I never ask him for money, don't need to, but I told him several weeks ago that I am sick of the assumption that I will just pay it. Anyway I guess that's all beside the point.

Yesterday he told me that I am a fat ugly cow who is lucky to be with him, that when he has shown our wedding photos to colleagues they have expressed shock that he is with someone ugly and fat. I am a size 16 for the record, a bit overweight yes but he is cruel beyond belief.

I haven't wanted to sleep with him for years and the last few years we have done it every few months, I just can't bring myself to do anything. I am crap at keeping the house as I work in a high pressure job and am usually too tired or depressed to bother. These are his main gripes.

A couple of months ago we agreed to divorce and I am now kicking myself for not going through with it while he was amenable. I backed out at the last minute thinking it could work. Since then we have decided to move back to the UK from overseas and I have a job offer. Since yesterday I want a divorce and to move back alone.

I am scared I won't be able to sort the divorce in time now and will risk the new job if I can't move when planned. Or that I will be a total moron again and decide it is easier to have a quiet life and keep going as we are and move together.

I feel like this move is a chance to break away but I don't know how to make myself stick to my guns.

Help me to be sure please that I am doing the right thing

Again - treat cost of furniture and disposing of it as a price you pay for freedom and independence.

If you are in a country where women are not treated equally to men, I would fly home ASAP and request a divorce in the UK where domestic violence is taken seriously. However a solicitor there might be able to guide you more, second the advice about contacting the British Consulate, they might be able to point you in the right direction.

You will get through this OP, good luck to you.

Difficult situation.
Wait for the offer letter.
Secretly get flat in uk rent starting asap, use help at home to get done.
Give notice on your job abroad and don't tell dick features.
Then a week or so later give notice on flat abroad. He will think all ok.
Your job finishes earlier than he realises.
Still have flat abroad for a week or so as notice given later!
He goes to work.
You pack and go asap to UK.
He comes home and you are gone and he has flat and his Jo there for a couple of weeks.

Keep your anger OP and use it to do it this time. If he starts the nicey nicey remember the violent twunt is the REAL HIM and the nice is an act. There will ALWAYS be a next time. Are you anywhere in the middle east? if theres any way you can get on a plane and go, just do it.

You're fecking amazing.

I agree with woowoo, you are amazing.

You won't regret leaving him, you will look back in the future and be amazed at how much better your life can be, trust me.

Do you have any savings? Having to give a months notice on the apartment just means you are responsible for the rent that month, it doesn't mean you actually have to live there. It would be a small price to pay for your freedom in the long run.

I would give notice to your employer as soon as possible, even if the new job doesn't work out once you are here you can sort something. The most important thing is to get out and be safe. Do you have any holiday due at work that you could take off the notice period?

We will be here to hold your hand, you deserve to be happy and safe.

As soon as you have the letter confirming your job, I would give notice on your job and apartment and leave.

When physical violence is involved, the safest thing is to get out as soon as possible. Further divorce discussion might escalate the violence.

In your situation I'd be inclined to hotfoot back to England taking only your clothes and portable belongings.

Your husband will then have a month rent paid to dispose of the furniture as he wishes. Selling it second hand won't yield much, and it would cost a lot to move it back to the UK. If he can't sell it, it can go to a junk or charity shop.

Once you're back in the UK, you can contact Women's Aid, get a recommendation of a solicitor who specialises in DV to sort the divorce. And if your husband comes back to the UK irate, you can get injunctions to protect you.

Do everything quietly behind his back. You need to get key docs out of the flat - as he could destroy them if he rumbles your plan.

Do not leave him in the flat alone - he will trash it and it will cost you.

Get all your ducks in a row - getting out of the flat seems the most important thing - give your notice and arrange for return of keys to LL and clearing of the furniture for a day when he is at work.

Do not tell DH anything. Recommend to LL that he changes the locks (only tell LL on last day as he might tell your DH? - who knows where gender loyalties lie?)

I would not even wait for the job offer -- if it doesnt happen - you still need to leave asap - you will walk into a job in the UK - temp or lower paid if worst case - immediately and you will survive.

Does your DH know you have applied for job and want to move home? is he expecting to come with you? Would he follow you back to UK.

You are doing well get the plan straight in your head, do not leave any clues on phone/email etc do you have anyone in RL there or at home who can support you?

Just wanted to update - I've spoken to a lawyer this morning and they can get the process going. I can't have a travel ban placed on me which is good to know (although I'm sure that wouldn't happen) it only applies to children.

I just need to know I have a job and can then give notice on everything. I tried to have a calm talk last night to let him know that I'm doing this and he got angry and then stormed out. I am worried about leaving him with nowhere to live but he is employed so should be able to find somewhere.

Started having doubts but have to stick to my guns this time.

OP stay focused, get the job offer,give notice on the flat. The book your flight, pack a suitcase and get out of there.

Worried him having nowhere to live?

When that thought creeps in, remember being slapped about the face and being told you should be treated like a dog.

Good luck, love - you're so close. x

If he didn't like the horrible atmosphere he wouldn't go to so much trouble to make it horrible, would he?

Where he lives and stuff is his problem now. You gave him another chance when he seemed to be amenable to divorce (although I bet once the process started he would have changed his mind if you hadn't changed yours first). He blew it again and indeed appears to be getting worse. Your conscience should be absolutely clear here. All but one of the adults in the world manage without your support, he can do it too!

When you're out of this the fog will lift and you'll see it clearly and be massively relieved, I promise you.

Dont worry about him. He mst have lots of money saved from not paying rent for so long

Lyra he is an adult. You are not responsible for him.

Any guilt one might reasonably have had at ending a marriage should be wiped out the moment he raised his hand to you.

Well done Lyra. That is great progress. Get your pass port and keys docs out of the house - hide your bank cards etc - do not underestimate what he could do.

Dont tell him you are leaving - he will hurt you or destroy you plans - this is what abusive controlling bullys do when their victims attempt to escape.

When do you think that you will hear about the job ? I would be tempted to give in your notice and get moving - I am sure that things will work out and you would find temp work if necessary.

You need to use this momentum and move fast - you are in danger.

Please try keep to focused - dont look back -- you need a mantra that works for you to see you thru the hard moments.

Has anyone mentioned the Freedom Programme to you before? I think you might find it really helpful in breaking free of him emotionally, which will obviously help you break free of him practically.

You can do it online I believe, google it if you're interested, it could really help you deal with the worry you feel on his behalf, and help you focus your concern on yourself, as you deserve to do.

Good news that he can't stop you leaving, anyway. Good luck.