How do women feel about older virgin men?

[ErenYeager]

I want to ask what women think about men who are still virgins later on in life. I have had this idea for a while that virginity after a certain age is basically the ultimate red flag. Unfortunately I am well beyond that age. I'm a straight guy in my twenties. Never kissed or been on a date. I am not getting any closer to doing either of those. As the weeks, months and years continue to accumulate I am having to ponder the possibility that it will never happen for me. Any advice for me?

donyourway, that's a disgusting comment.

The world is full of men in their 20s who are still virgins. It is by no means unusual, never mind abnormal.

Some are religious, and do not believe in sex before marriage. Some are so shy and introverted they struggle to talk to anyone, never mind a woman they are attracted to. Some work in industries, eg IT or engineering in which opportunities to meet women are few and far between. Some are stereotypical 'nerds' who struggle to find women with whom they have anything in common.

In a society in which sexist assumptions that men are supposed to make the first move and women are supposed to be choosy still stubbornly predominate It's hardly surprising that so many people remain virgins.

Interesting first post.

donyourway
If i was 30 and still a virgin i'd hire a prostitute for a night.

LET THE PEARL CLUTCHING COMMENCE

OP, I too thought you were going to be in your 40s. I don't think it's that unusual for men to have their first sexual experience in their twenties. However I'm concerned more that you've never dated or kissed a woman. Why is that? Have you asked women out? Or are you waiting for the universe to drop the woman of your dreams into your lap? (Spoiler alert: it won't.)

I've never asked anyone out because I've never reached the stage with someone where I would feel comfortable asking her. I think the issue is that I don't know how to talk to women without coming off as awkward and feeling awkward myself. I'm also a bit shy. I have found that some people say you just have to wait for the right person to come along, but others say you need to be actively looking for a partner. I have not tried online dating. Also I really don't want to visit a prostitute, though a few people have suggested it to me.

ErenYeager - don't confuse your issues (Dating and Sex). Having sex with prostitutes is not going to help you become comfortable with women or put you in a situation where you can meet a suitable woman.

Your issue (if I may be so bold) is that you have never asked anyone out. That is OK, (we all have a first time) you just need to work out what you need to do to give yourself the best chance or meeting someone suitable. BTW there is nothing wrong with being awkward. Again we all are to begin with.

Personally I am never been a fan of waiting for anything. Random chance may occasionally work in your favour, but nothing works in your favour more than action.

Do you socialise with mixed groups (through work, hobbies etc)?

One of my best male friends didn't have sex until he was 23. He's sure made up for it now..

Why not be completely upfront about it and look for a Mrs Robinson type to show you the ropes? (I rather suspect that's why you're here tbh).

Don't go to a prostitute. It isn't sex. It won't help you in any way. It will just steal your freshness for the person you actually want to have genuine, real sex with.

What happens with prostitutes is form without content, a service for masturbation involving a numb service worker and a saddo with nothing but a wallet and some spunk to shoot.

Being a virgin in your twenties is not at all uncommon, it just isn't mediatastic and brag-worthy enough to get heard about much. Well done for being true to yourself and not forcing the issue so you have some half hearted paltry notch on your bedpost.

I completely agree don't go to a prostitute, not nice for them or you and it won't give you experience of what you want which is a loving kind relationship including sex.

I would consider OD or a dating agency to get you started, just to get some experience of going out on dates. If you don't fancy that, then hobbies or clubs where there's a social aspect but where you enjoy the hobby are good- mixed cycling clubs, walking and so on. If you take up a very nerdy hobby to meet women, with the best will in the world, you might meet that one younger person, but a lot of hobbies are dominated by men and older men at that. Joining say a young ramblers group will get you chatting to women as people and not things to be scared of, I know lots of people who have met in walking groups.

I think the issue is that I don't know how to talk to women without coming off as awkward and feeling awkward myself. I'm also a bit shy.

I don't think this is uncommon, especially if you don't have many friends of either sex to sort of "practise" your small talk on. What will help is meeting people of both sexes and learning to make conversation.

A couple of books that might help:
How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends
How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks For Big Success In Relationships

I'd also recommend the old classic by Dale Carnegie, How to Make Friends and Influence People, but you should be able to get a free download of that somewhere as I believe it's out of copyright.

I think work on your social skills so you're more comfortable making conversations about anything with anyone. If your hobbies and work don't bring you into contact with many women, then look into online dating.

The big advantage with OD is that you know for sure the other person is looking for a relationship - not necessarily with you of course! but at least you know they have that goal, the same as you.

"I think the issue is that I don't know how to talk to women without coming off as awkward and feeling awkward myself"

Then you need to practice until you don't feel awkward any more. Get out there and mix as much as you can with women so you have the opportunities to practice socialising with them. Meetup is good. Do not wait until it "just happens" because you could be waiting a lifetime if you rely on chance. Be proactive.

Also, do you have trouble chatting to men as much as women? If not then try to stop thinking of women as a differnet species and talk to us as you would the men you talk to.

Meeting a virgin in their 20s, 30s or any age wouldn't bother me. There's a whole range of reasons why someone may choose not to or not have had the right situation to lose their virginity. I have good friends who are waiting until marriage and other wonderful friends who it just hasn't happened for. Don't rush it and don't focus on sex.

If you want to meet women and are struggling try working on your confidence a bit. Also if you want to ask someone out, know that the worst they can say is no and you can walk away with your head held high. You could try online dating to practise small talk but be aware there are some 'characters' to be found. Don't force it, try to get used to talking to women and see how things develop. There's no time limit on this. There are many men and women in exactly your situation.

wouldn't bother me at all, not in the slightest, and I think it's probably not that unusual either. Don't worry OP. I bet you're lovely and will meet someone great soon. If you're bothered by it there's nothing wrong in actively looking for someone either.

I'd much rather sleep with a virgin than someone who had the disrespect for women enough to hire a prostitute!

I think this comment shows a disrespect for ladies who choose to be sex workers. Now, if you're talking about someone who's been coerced or trafficked then that's a different matter.

Sex with a prostitute would just be the mechanics though; put this here, are you done yet, sort of thing.

Are you speaking from experience or simply guessing?

Despite my previous comment which was really to correct some popular misconceptions about sex workers and the services they provide. But that's a whole different subject.

I think, Erin, you are attaching too much importance to the actual sex act instead of building up your confidence in mixed social settings and as others have advised. Does your job bring you into contact with women? What about your hobbies?
And if it makes you feel better, I was 20 when I had my first girlfriend and for the year it lasted we never went beyond kissing and cuddling. But it was lovely! Sorry, I tell a lie: she once let me touch her breast, saying that she only let me do it because she liked me so much. I never even tried to take things further. It was a different era and the main concern was not getting a girl pregnant.
I had subsequent brief relationships in which things got a bit more sexual but never quite going all the way even though some of the women wanted me to. I suppose I just didn't feel ready.
I first had proper full sex when I married my wife in my late thirties and it was worth waiting for!
Forget the sex - get out there and meet people. You have the internet these days for heaven's sake with lots of dating sites. Surely that must make things easier.
Good luck!

Why would an older man who is still a virgin be a red flag? Genuine question.

Honestly, do not worry. It will hapeen when it happens. The focus society has on sex, like everyone is doing it. Not everyone IS doing it!

I was a virgin until the age of 28. I thought there was something wrong with me. Truth is, there were not many people I really fancied enough to have sex with them! In the end i lost my virginity to get it over with, and it was a bit unwise.

Get out there and meet people. People who matter will NOT care. If someone who had not had sex before chose to share their first time with me, I would feel very honoured.

"If i was 30 and still a virgin i'd hire a prostitute for a night."

Yeah, because women aren't people, they're just fuck-holes attached to a body, right.

Don't listen to that sort of advice, there are large numbers of women who won't touch you with a barge pole if they think you're the sort of misogynistic prick who feels so entitled to sex that he'll buy a woman's lack of genuine consent to sex.

Twenties is nothing, honestly, you're a spring chicken. I think the problem is that you seem to think women are some sort of different species from men. Why do you get awkward round us? We're just people, like you, with the same insecurities, anxieties, fears, joys, hopes. Just remember we're people, like you and you won't go too far wrong.

I hope you overcome this hurdle soon Eren. For your info, I am in much the same situation as you, only I'm a lot older, i.e. 44, and not yet DTD. It's been discussed at length on MN.

Best wishes.

I hope I haven't killed this thread .

Being a virgin isn't something to feel ashamed of. I'm sad that anyone would think it is,

My daughter once told me that the best bit of advice I'd ever given her was about how to strike up conversations with new people. I'd told her that most people like to talk about themselves, and that if you are trying to get a conversation started with someone, just ask them about themselves. I suggest you try this. You will come across as someone caring and interested in others, which is a good way to strike up a connection with someone new. So agree with the others who say this really needn't be a problem. Good luck!

Just imagine they're a man. Forget about anyone being a woman, don't try to treat them like a woman or think about asking them out or anything. Everyone you meet, treat them exactly as you would if they were a man. Then you will be yourself, and that's all you need. Once you start making conversations, you start making acquaintances, then friends, then you have the potential for relationships. We're just people (ok we don't have a peep, haha, and we have to wee sitting down, but apart from that, honestly, we're just people just exactly like you)!

Yeah, it's not being a Virgin that's an issue. It's why.

Xh was a virgin until he met me at 30 and that worked out horrendously because of the reasons why he was a virgin not the fact he was.

He was a virgin because he is controlling, self pitying and insecure.

If with you it is a case of not having met someone you are bothered enough about yet and some shyness I think stepping out of your comfort zone and having lots of dates from OD would be a good plan.

That way you'll meet lots of women in circumstances that mean there is no real asking out and no real pressure to take things further than a first date so you can practice being comfortable talking to women.

But really, if you're just worried about what people think about you and actually reasonably comfortable with who you are then really it isn't actually a problem.

When my friend met her new partner after her marriage broke up she found out he was a virgin and almost 50.

They are still together after ten years.

What does surprise me is how many older me don't have children. Including my Oh, there's another 3 close friends who have gone on to meet a childless man.