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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Split, Want to get back together - now New Girlfriend

29 replies

lifeunknown · 29/07/2015 21:59

I split with the father of my 2 x DC 4 months ago. Tried for 2 months softly to sort things out then I found out he was seeing someone else and I stepped up my game, this was following his 2 months of him trying to sort things (and me rejecting). Now I find he has a girlfriend.
He does not know i know. I'm devastated and trying to pull him back to me. I can see the lies, whiles he tries to make things work He was not keen to sort it out & now I know why. I can see his pain as he lives this duplicitous life. I had a time stamp on it that has passed, and I dont know what to do.
I want him, I ruined it mostly - he is my DC's father. He's unsure but seemingly pretending to try whilst shagging her. I should be worth more, but my family unit is at stake - and I care more about that right now.

Anyone in the same boat and can advise?

OP posts:

RedXan · 29/07/2015 22:06

Ah I'm afraid this doesn't look good :(

I would step away from you being the one 'trying' as this is obviously not working and he is having his cake and eating it too with seeming little remorse.

Tell him what you want, make it absolutely clear that he needs to make a choice and commit to it.

This may mean he won't choose you. But if I'm honest OP, it sounds like you'd be better off without him anyway. Hth

Original poster

lifeunknown · 29/07/2015 22:08

Thank you for replying RedXan.

I dont think i can walk away yet. I love him. I want my family together. You may be right, but I need to try, I need hope.

OP posts:

oabiti · 29/07/2015 22:11

Rebound r'ships rarely work out. Leave him to it. Let him miss you.

oabiti · 29/07/2015 22:12

I feel for you

Original poster

lifeunknown · 29/07/2015 22:13

Thanks for replying Oabiti - unfortunately I dont think this is a rebound relationship. Its a very old friend. I think they've always had a connection. I'm devastated.

OP posts:

RedXan · 29/07/2015 22:18

I know you want him back, i've been there believe me. But what do you plan to do? If you hang on and on for him he will walk all over you. You are worth so much more than that. Really.

Leave him be, as pp said give him chance to miss you. You may just find that you begin to feel better with the space between you.

If it comes to it, you CAN move on and be happier for it. It's always scary and heartbreaking at first. But it will give you the chance to love yourself and find someone who deserves you.

Original poster

lifeunknown · 29/07/2015 22:22

I know what you're saying, it's the same if say to my best friend. Our DC are so young I can't/he can't have the opportunity to miss each other.
If I cut contact, he'd have to get a 3 bed place to see kids, and financially it's not possible. I don't know how to move on. I'm so devastated.

OP posts:

RedXan · 29/07/2015 22:33

Ah so do you still live together? Can one of you sleep on the couch/spare bedroom?

I would tell him you know about this other woman. That he needs to make his choice. It's one thing to knowingly and happily open up your relationship to other people but you are clearly devastated by this, can you really look the other way? What if he decides to leave and live with this woman?

You need to take back control of this situation. I know how it feels to be so scared and devastated that you cannot possibly think of a future without the other person. I am a few years on from you but believe me the fear does subside and the love does fade and you will be fine. Don't cling to this man and let him treat you so appallingly xx

Rebecca2014 · 29/07/2015 22:38

I agree you need to tell him you know, tell him how you feel and then let him decide. If he chooses to continue the relationship with his girlfriend then you will need close the door completely on him.

Also he moved on quickly after 4 months, if he really wanted you he would have waited longer and would have agreed to given it another go.

nj32 · 29/07/2015 22:43

I could have written this post, I feel for you. No advise other than to say it does get easier. Don't beat yourself up be kind to yourself and focus on your children x

Original poster

lifeunknown · 29/07/2015 22:56

Thank you for replying. I'm trying to focus on my children, I feel very suicidal though. I'm sure it's not normal to value a shit relationship more than my children, but I do. I feel worthless and like there is nothing left.

OP posts:

nj32 · 29/07/2015 23:06

Have you got someone you can talk to? I to am 4 months in and I would say it has only been the last week or so that I am starting to feel a bit better. It is very hard when you have to see them because of the children. I think you need to tell him you know, at least then you know where you stand.

Original poster

lifeunknown · 29/07/2015 23:12

I'm sorry you're feeling similar nj.

I've talked my arse off and bored everyone I know. I'm now at the end, feeling suicidal which I'd never confide to anyone in real life. I love my kids, but I'm exhausted. I'm mum, breadwinner, Bill payer, dog walker, sorter outer of everything. I can't do it anymore.xxx

OP posts:

PoundingTheStreets · 29/07/2015 23:17

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Have you got family or friends with whom you can have a good cry over this?

I suspect from what you've said that you will be much better off not getting back together with your X, but you won't be able to see that until you've grieved for this. It's ok to feel sad about it. What you've lost is not so much him but the loss of a future you had planned and dreamed about. Grieving is about coming to terms with that change of reality. Once you come through it, you can plan for a new, better future.

What you need is some TLC off friends and family and maybe a little pity party, while at the same time reminding yourself of all the reasons why you split in the first place and why you and your DC are better off without someone who thinks nothing of lying to your face and who found a 'replacement' so soon after your split.

FunnyNameHere · 29/07/2015 23:20

Where is he currently living?

RitaKiaOra · 29/07/2015 23:40

Are you sure this isn't a case of wanting him back now that he's unavailable?
You would not be the first and it is a normal response, especially if he spent two months pleading with you but then seemed to move on so quickly.
It could be a case of not knowing what you had until it was gone but it could also be that your competitive wide has kicked in qnd you want to win him.
When in fact, everything that was annoying you and made you dump him in the first place WILL still annoy you.

RitaKiaOra · 29/07/2015 23:41

side not wide!

RitaKiaOra · 29/07/2015 23:42

Oh and he's not such a great prize if prepared to lie to you and his new gf/old bff whilst hedging his bets...

HappenstanceMarmite · 30/07/2015 00:02

I've been in your shoes. Him begging me to stay together...went on for two YEARS like that! I always thought he would be there. Then he met someone else and pulled away from me. I was absolutely devastated and heartbroken.

HappenstanceMarmite · 30/07/2015 00:06

Posted too soon - I begged, cried, pleaded...lost all pride and dignity. But it was no use.

That was four years ago. It was a horribly lonely time and took me a long while to get over (we'd been together ten years). But thank fuck it did end as it was a very toxic addictive relationship that was destroying us both. I am now with the real love of my life and never been happier.

So you will get through this. One day at a time x

TheStoic · 30/07/2015 07:40

Why did you end the relationship?

swisscheesetony · 30/07/2015 07:50

I'm in it right now. I was so numb when I moved out that I just put one foot on front of another and was trying to survive. I thought he hated me. I thought he'd "wise up" and come back.

I started to see him change and I liked what I saw and started to defrost - and then I found out there was someone new.

My heart felt like it had smashed into a million pieces. He came and for the first time I years we talked, really talked - about all the hurt that's been going on for years. We've had a difficult few years and just stopped communicating - and lost how to. I say talked - me lying on the kitchen floor like a wounded animal. I also had to dig deep and I realise now that I was far from blameless.

Then on Tuesday I cried all day. I researched auicide and found out that my children are the "best" age for it to happen. I told him I was done and he needed to come and get the kids and the dog.

We both cried for hours and I ended up sleeping through for the first time in a week.

I know it's not serious with this woman - he was filling a gap because without me and DC he had a lot of hours to fill. I'd have read a book... ;)

I had to admit that I'd abused him too with my criticism and lack of communication.

We are in a better place now and are communicating for the first time in years. IF we get back together it's going to be a fresh start, the giddy excitement of getting ready for a first date and we will never, ever shut down towards each other again.

I'm still in limbo because he won't say let's definitely do this - he's scared it'll screw up again. And I think he's probably right - if we so it it has to be right.

But we are both on the same page in that we believe it takes more courage to fix what was broken (rebuild, not fix) than to run into fresh arms.

I didn't cry yesterday.

It's been the week from hell but I haven't felt this close to him I years and I know he's got my back.

Does any of this sound familiar?

swisscheesetony · 30/07/2015 07:51

Btw he thought I hated him too. He said he would go home and cry and stare at the phone. I was doing the same. Stupid pride.

LitreOfTea · 30/07/2015 07:56

Don't try and win him back because he would be last prize.

he's lying to you, he's pretending to be faithful to keep his options open later I'd guess, so, not that you care, but it's not honest to his new gf either.

Get through this next difficult period and you'll be free. Free form caring.

LitreOfTea · 30/07/2015 08:00

when my x met somebody I wasn't jealous of her. I was jealous of him!! The ease with which he could move on. How I was single parent to two young children and he was a man with a good career, free to go out whenever he wanted. So it was HIM I was jealous of, not her.

Is there any chance there's a bit of that in there? I have got past that now. But no way on earth would I have had my x back for two minutes. I sometimes dream he's back and it's a nightmare. I think "i'm going to have to get rid of him again".

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