Why do men and women have such different dating priorities?

[Interdasty]

What's the biggest issue when it comes to dating ? How to make sure the man isn't just after sex. You see it on MN and everywhere else over and over again.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/plenty-of-fish-dating-site-founder-pulls-intimate-encounters-option-to-ward-off-sleazy-men-8626107.html

*But the founder of one of Britain’s biggest dating website has now decided to take radical action to root out fake and sleazy profiles - after revealing that many of the “women” who use the hook-ups section of his site are actually men in disguise.

Writing to members on Monday, Markus Frind, the Canadian founder of Plenty of Fish (POF), said that he had been forced to make a series of changes to its membership rules because too many male users are harassing women for sex.

The entrepreneur said that he had decided to scrap the “Intimate Encounters” option on the POF site due to complaints from some of its female users suffering unwanted attention.

In a message sent to all members, he said that only 6,041 of the 3.3 million people who use the site every day are in fact women looking for no-strings-attached trysts – adding “the ones with hot pictures are mostly men pretending to be women.*

So basically almost no women are looking for sex while with men the story is completely different. Why aren't there equal numbers of men and women looking for similar things? Why are men much more likely to be wanting sex while women are after relationships?

I would imagine there are very few single dads on dating sites, not that I have ever looked at one, more likely to be married men out for extra marital sex.

I hope what I'm about to say doesn't shock anyone...it's not science, it's just my theory!

I know the thread title talks about "dating" priorities. But what the founder is talking about is the number of men looking for sex. Which in turn makes me wonder something I've wondered for a while, especially since Tindr appeared. Are men using these sites when previously they might have visited prostitutes? If hook ups are available online now, then men who previously used prostitutes, or might have done in this generation, don't have to go through with the payment and the risk of being caught doing something illegal.

To me there's no connection with dating. I'd be interested to know if prostitutes think online hookup sites have affected business. (Rest assured, I'm not planning to go out and do a survey with a clipboard or anything).

I'm a 40 y.o overweight single mum who works PT too. Luckily my gorgeous handsome 36 y.o. DP (who I met on POF) is better looking than Clooney, earns £75k a year so he can subsidise my sorry arse, and he loves me anyway!

He was originally looking for some hot sex but accidentally met his soul mate on there instead.

If hook ups are available online now, then men who previously used prostitutes, or might have done in this generation, don't have to go through with the payment and the risk of being caught doing something illegal

FWIW visiting a prostitute isn't illegal in the UK.

If hook ups are available online now

but they are not readily available, hook up sites have around 20 men for every woman, most of the women are interested in something far less casual than the men want.

the few woman using the sites can afford to be very choosy so men will need to be very hot and very polite if they want to get lucky, most men are neither.

Often the women are looking for a third party to join in an mmf with an established couple.

As said, and despite popular opinion to the contrary it is legal to pay for sex in the UK.

I know a lot of people will say men are often just after a quick lay, and obviously this is often the case.

But I do think that in general (and I really am generalising, of course), women tend to see sex as an expression and culmination of the feelings and dynamic and relationship they have already established, while for men, sex is part of the process of building said feelings and dynamic. I'm not suggesting anyone should have sex if they don't want to, or shouldn't watch out for predatory and uncaring men, but I do think there are many decent men who want sex sooner simply because it's part of the getting to know you process, rather than the goal at the end of it.

OLD sounds like a freaking nightmare though.

suzanne, I didn't know about the stats, that's interesting. But when I say hook up sites, that's what I mean - why would someone go on a sex arrangement site to find anything other than sex? Or have all these sites started to overlap?

re prostitution and laws, it's still illegal for a customer to solicit in any way though, isn't it? Plus I imagine for some men being caught with an online hookup would seem more tolerable than being found out to have used a prostitute.

OLD really does sound like a nightmare!

Yes the sites overlap, many of the female profiles are women offering some sort of paid for service, 'cam' girls, etc.
As well as fake profile generated by the site to encourage the men to keep paying for membership.
Whole thing is a bit of a scam really...with the men as victims, since the women do not have to pay for membership, although they give their time freely generating content so that the owners can profit from the fee's.

I dont know if there are any reliable statistics about paid for sexual services.

OLD can be entertaining.....being bombarded with pictures of erections is mildly amusing at first then it just gets really really old

"Are men using these sites when previously they might have visited prostitutes?"

I think some men are using these websites when previously they would have worn raincoats and flashed their junk from behind the bushes in the park.

I'm inclined to agree. This is going to sound a bit odd but I think it does actually take a degree of 'courage' (for want of a better word) actually to hire a call girl or sex worker. You have to actually shell out money and come to terms with the fact that you are the kind of person who does this. A lot of men who whinge about paying for dinner and not getting sex are deeply offended if you suggest they should book a professional if they just want a straightforward transaction. They are not the sorts of men who pay for sex!

you may be right Sheba, it's a difficult area to research I'd imagine!

Sorry, I forgot to state that very obvious fact, they don't want to pay for sex either, much cheaper to use a hook up site. Agree about the courage too, there will be an element of that unless you're in the House of Lords

Sorry, I think I'm missing something, but why are there so many men on POF pretending to be women??

Elke, my brain is all over the shop, I meant to ask that too. Bored and trolling?

"but why are there so many men on POF pretending to be women??"

For the cocks shots perhaps?

Or probably to view the competition and get ideas for their own profiles.

MadeMen, maybe but they can go online for that. Heck, they can even look at cocks in shoes. No need to set up an online profile.

But Frind said he would now be making changes, adding: “Intimate Encounters on POF can be summed up as a bunch of horny men talking to a bunch of horny men pretending to be women.”

This is interesting. A whole new genre of sexual entertainment made possible only by virtual encounters.

Men's criteria for a short-term sexual partner are vastly different to what they want in a long-term partner. There have been numerous studies in this. Short-term, they PREFER women who wear provocative clothing, talk in a smutty/sexual way, and have had experience. Long-term, it's the opposite.

There has also been a lot of research done on what men and women look for in short-term sexual partners. While men's must-haves are few, women's are endless! Even for short-term sex, women want men who are intelligent, witty, attractive, generous and kind.

What I don't get is why so many women claiming they DO want to find a long-term partner adopt strategies proven to attract short-term ones. Like having sex early on, talking about sex early on, drinking alcohol to excess on dates, and seeking to prove their experience/technique. That's all well and good but it appeals ONLY to N&N wanting a brief fling. It will NOT attract serious-minded men. They will change their opinion of you from long-term to short.

I'll get flamed for saying that, but it's all true.

N&N??? Men.

That's also interesting FunnyNameHere. So, in theory a profile and accompanied photos could presented to minimise contact from men openly or secretly seeking short, casual relationships. Has anyone tried major modifications of their profile and noted the response?

I'd say it's more about the first date than the profile/pics.

Unless your profile is explicit, lewd and uses very provocative pictures, you won't be seen as a short-term bet. But if you turn up on the first date and get drunk, talk about sex, talk about bad treatment from exes, and then invite him in for a shag, you will. Similarly, if you sext before dates, or after very early dates, you will. Also, if you carry on dating a man who has told you he's not looking for anything "serious", you will.

FunnyName The sort of men you talk about in your post will probably be a lot more likely to cheat in a long term relationship especially after children come along.

Because once they feel secure in their relationship with the woman they see as their "Madonna" you can bet they will still want sex on the side with the woman/women they perceive as "whore"

I know all this is stuff that people say, but is it actually true for any people?

I don't have any men friends who had short term relationships with experienced sweary drinking women then settled down with virgins. They all married their experienced sweary drinking women. The ones who had sex with them on the first date.

When I talk to girlfriends in new relationships, personally I have found that often the man is pushing to settle down, become exclusive, sooner than my female friends want to.

I don't know any men who live alone perfectly happily, wanting only to have sex with randoms. Any single men I know say they are are a bit lonely and want a partner, they go on OLD because they want to start a family, or they want to live with someone, they want a companion.

I don't understand how my reality can be so different to everyone else's. Where men don't want love, only women. Men do want love! And women want sex too actually.

I don't get why everyone talks as if that's not the case.