My mother and using the phone as a weapon

[MrsSchadenfreude]

My mother never ever calls me. It is up to me to call her, and if I don't ring her, she makes out she doesn't know who it is (!) initially and then I get "Oh I thought something must have happened to you, etc etc" or "her friends" all say "Oh didn't Mrs S call you to tell you about her cancer test results" and she will say "I was so embarrassed to say you hadn't called me." But would she call me? No. So she can't have been as "worried sick" as she claimed.

In contrast, she calls my cousin two or three times a week "because Z is the daughter I never had." (I am an only child.)

I am tired of this. I just want a normal relationship with her, like she would call me one week and then I will call her the next. I am tired of the phone being used as a bloody weapon, and Z is tired of being called all the time, and being told "Mrs S never calls me," and Z saying "Well have you called her?" The answer to that is "I shouldn't have to, she knows where I am."

She has always been like this with me, since I left home 30 years ago, when my Dad was alive. It's only in the past couple of years that she has started calling Z all the time - I think possibly triggered by her sister's illness and subsequent death, where she was calling Z all the time for updates.

Any ideas for handling her?

My DM used to do this. It was all self esteem and hating the fact I might be busy or the answer phone pick up.

I called her religiously once or twice a week, and I told her repeatedly to call me. A lot of it was to with her recognising her age and how I must be busy - and she was now old. She hated being old and not dashing about with kids and work.

Just call her twice a week, tell her to call you and text etc - and explain the phenomenon of texting and not getting instant replies.its like a casual chat:)

The sensible thing would be to ask her- she thinks if you care you call- it works both ways and tell her you are never to busy for her and if you are you will call back and you aren't pissed off she called. How is she or you to know if the other is busy?

I used to call my mother all the time. I made hmm-mm noises and played solitaire on the computer. I couldn't tell you what she said.

My mum also never rings me, I ring her three times a week, normally in the car on my way home from work.

I don't agree with a PP who said that fortnightly was not enough, your mum sounds very manipulative (ringing your cousin, etc), so no wonder you don't want to talk more often.