My mother and using the phone as a weapon

[MrsSchadenfreude]

My mother never ever calls me. It is up to me to call her, and if I don't ring her, she makes out she doesn't know who it is (!) initially and then I get "Oh I thought something must have happened to you, etc etc" or "her friends" all say "Oh didn't Mrs S call you to tell you about her cancer test results" and she will say "I was so embarrassed to say you hadn't called me." But would she call me? No. So she can't have been as "worried sick" as she claimed.

In contrast, she calls my cousin two or three times a week "because Z is the daughter I never had." (I am an only child.)

I am tired of this. I just want a normal relationship with her, like she would call me one week and then I will call her the next. I am tired of the phone being used as a bloody weapon, and Z is tired of being called all the time, and being told "Mrs S never calls me," and Z saying "Well have you called her?" The answer to that is "I shouldn't have to, she knows where I am."

She has always been like this with me, since I left home 30 years ago, when my Dad was alive. It's only in the past couple of years that she has started calling Z all the time - I think possibly triggered by her sister's illness and subsequent death, where she was calling Z all the time for updates.

Any ideas for handling her?

OMG I am so glad to find I am not alone!

I get EXACTLY the same. She rarely phones me and if I haven't phoned for a while her tone is just really unwelcoming which then annoys me and I don't feel like talking to her.

I have also occasionally said 'you can call me you know' but it's not worth arguing as mothers are always right.

so pleased to hear it's not just my family that's weird!

Aussie my mum has done that too, said Oh I've not heard from your sister. I just reply well just ring her.

She always appears to know exactly when she last spoke to me and my two sisters, almost like she's keeping track of when we've called.

This is all making her sound horrible, she's not at all, but this phone thing drives me round the twist!

I'm of a similar age to some of your mothers, and we didn't have a phone when I was young. In fact when I married I had to go on a waiting list, I had 2 children before the phone arrived.

It was such a big deal and calls were expensive. I expect that this has shaped lots of older people's attitudes, that plus the older person's way of not wanting to be a bother, with a touch of martyrdom thrown in.

Perhaps if you look at your children, and imagine that one day they won't want to check that your OK once a week, you might feel a bit sad.

I don't feel this way, my DD's never off the phone, but many do.

Fourflights - but the "not wanting to be a bother" bit doesn't apply to my mother, as she is on the phone to Z all of the time!

Baddz - exactly the same! She did get "dumped" by one couple, shortly after my Dad died, which was cruel - it wasn't exactly suddenly stopping contact, more that it tailed off. She has now found out that the wife has terminal cancer, and is positively gleeful about this, chortling about "karma" and "what goes around comes around." This woman used to be one of her closest friends - they used to go on holiday together, but she is just so bitter about life and everyone. She has lost so many friends through the "they know where I am" attitude and has fallen out with others over really trivial things. She fell out with her brother over him clearing my Gran's flat without consulting her, after my Gran died (he lived in the next street, she lives 2 hours away), even though he kept a lot of things back that he thought she would want. He had a stroke and died, and she wouldn't even go and see him in hospital at the end, but bizarrely, she calls his widow all of the time now. Maybe it is just clinging on to what she has left?

My mum is of that generation but isn't like that at all. She is the one who tends to phone me, but is never PA about it. I don't really make conversational phone calls in general (only for practical arrangements) and I rarely phone my parents. I can't imagine what we'd talk about if we talked on the phone every week tbh, she calls a few times a month max. I didn't realise that it was the norm for adults to be calling their parents weekly.

I think I'd be annoyed with all the passive aggressive comments if I was the OP and it would put me off calling her. Either that or I'd have to half tune out and occupy myself with something else in an attempt to ignore it.

Has she got an email account? Or a mobile phone? If not, set her up with one and text or email her instead. It's easier, quicker and you're in control of it.

My DP never phone me either. I ring them once a week at a time that they dictate. They act like they are worried about 'intruding' into my life because I am 'busy', but actually it is very much a way of excluding me and not offering support. They are incredibly over-sensitive, so if we have a conversation in which I say I've had a busy week, they will react by saying 'Oh, we won't keep you then', even though it was clearly not my intention to imply that their call was unwelcome. Every word I say is pored over and given the worst possible interpretation. It's very PA.

I go along with it because while I love them, I realise that they can't change and that at some level they need to scapegoat me. 95% of the time, I'm OK with it. The other 5% I feel very hurt, but I don't think there is any therapy or help in the world that can dissolve that and make it go away. Sometimes people are just a bit shit, I'm afraid.

I read this thread with interest as the responses are very misleading - not in that I am saying people have lied in any way...
But glancing at the thread gives an impression that this is not all that unusual - whereas I was surprised to see it here with even a few "Me too" responses
(although given the nature of this site - perhaps that was foolish of me)
But having had this happen to me and suffer from the same endless anguish - I took the step of asking people - in RL
The end result over time would have been several hundred people ( including partners of and siblings of the asked) and no one else had experienced this.

all ^^ that was to try to explain - this is not normal . infact is very abnomal / unusual and really should not be tolerated. Its not a generational thing to be passed off as such is to negate the damage and intent in this behaviour. I came to realise that for It was both an attempt at a method of control, and a way of the parents shoring up an internal narrative which - really - has nothing to do with the real you.

In terms of "Handling" the best contact method I found was to phone at excactly the same time each week for exactly the same length of time with a fixed cut off - which was stated at the start of every call - "Hi, I'm just calling you before I go and .........in 10 minutes"

Their response - not to be in - or not answer the phone or to have something to do sooner than the end time I stated , then it would still be on me, for not calling more to catch them in or at a better time....see...control

Eventually I realised we both knew we were playing this ...game? - hence the reason all the handling and returned aggression in the world wont work - it will just escalate - and I threw in the towel and went NC
Not just for this -it was just a tangible part of a whole set of abusive and controlling behaviours - and really very much their problem - not mine.
I'm not suggesting go NC OP - but you do need to have clear boundries about what you will accept, how much you will try before you will say enough.

Just a huge YES to all of the examples on this thread. Its incredibly wearing.

Excellent post Kintsugi. It not in any way 'normal', it's nothing to do with being part of the older generation and everything to do with being a huge unreasonable control freak. My parents would never ever phone me and hardly ever visit me (they live in a different country to me) - I've been here for 13 years and they have probably visited 3 times. It has always been my duty to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship and to go and visit them. I would phone up like a good girl and my dad would talk for ages about every little thing he had been up to, with almost zero interest in listening to anything I had to say. My mother would come on the phone with nothing to say and we would just sit there in silence. It was excruciating and slowly I realised it was 'not normal' and I didn't have to put up with it.

Like Kintsugi, the phone issue was just a small part of a very messed up relationship and I am now very low contact with them. That may not be the solution for you but you do sound very certain that you don't want to increase the number of phonecalls you make to your mother. That's absolutely fine - I don't think you should if you don't want to. It takes two people to make a relationship and phones work both ways. You don't have to accept her martyrdom.

My dad does this. I always have to call. It was the same when my mother was alive.

With the people he calls, he gets pissed off at them and stops calling them to see if they will miss him

He has a phone contract where he gets loads of free/very cheap calls that he tells me about .

I have asked friends in real life (nowhere near hundreds though) and similar has been experienced by them, that they feel THEY have to call

Of course it's not normal.

OP's mother sounds rude and unpleasant.

I wouldn't stand for it for one minute. I have a nice, normal relationship with my mother, and we call each other when it's convenient to us, and if one of us can't talk long we say 'call you back, sorry'. Neither of us make shitty remarks to each other, and why would we?

Why would anyone have to put up with rudeness and nasty remarks and sarcasm from anyone - mother or not?

Time to grow up, and be a grown up, OP?!

Yes, same here with my Narc mother. Always expects people to call her but refuses to call anyone. Then when you do, the shitty PA remarks.

I've been NC with her for over a year and it's been a great relief not to be in her drama anymore.

It's funny how once I got rid, all my other family relationships improved a lot.

It's definitely a power thing, but it backfires because if someone's persistently unpleasant to you then you hardly feel encouraged to contact them more often.

My father and aunt were much older than my mother but neither of them acted the same and were always a delight to speak to.

I do actually hesitate to call my adult kids because they might be busy, putting kids to bed, watching TV, working? I don't make PA comments when they phone me though-if I hadn't heard anything for a week I would phone or e-mail.
Can you tell her straight. "FFS Mum-phone me if your worried-and what's with cousin being the DD you never had-I'm your daughter".
Playing games about timing of phone calls etc isn't a generational thing -although for much older people they may not realise that phoning is much cheaper now relative to what it was.

Your mum sounds very similar to mine, OP.

It's not a generational thing, it's a narcissist thing.

You might want to look up the Stately Homes thread on this board.

I went no contact with my mum in February and my life is so much happier without her toxicity draining my spirit.

my mother does this with the phone. except she uses it as an attempt to control and manipulate people. as a result people avoid speaking to her on the phone and wait for messages. if you do pick up the phone when she calls (always at the most inconvenient times for you but before her soaps start) you get the PA "oh you are there".

Ultimately they fail and people avoid speaking to them wherever possible so they are only hurting themselves really.

ahhh but then drudgetrudy if you tell them to phone you it's all "but when I do call ..."

1. but you're always so busy
2. don't have time to chat
3. watching something on tv

answer 1) yes, because you know I go to work for ten with half an hour's drive, so phoning me at 9.15 is not a good time for a nice chat
answer 2) I am trying to cook supper for three teens who have to be in and out in 20 minutes... yes I am trying to fry sweetcorn fritters,... no I am not keen on chicken Maryland, yes I am still a size 16 sense the disapproval , yes still trying to cook supper for the children...."
answer 3) really...just a quick call before my programme...it's been on for seconds, your quick calls are 40 minutes minutes and it's only a half hour show...."

makes no odds if I tell her when to call, she won't, she prefers to guilt trip.

My dad does this. When I received a Christmas card from him that contained the words 'happy christmas from... then three tick boxes with options for 1. Dad, 2 his first name, 3 mr last name I did the world's biggest eye roll.

I had enough. He used to ring me or email me but would take months to reply my emails (which I'm fine with) but go nuts at me if I didn't respond to his email within a few days. Id get PA emails from him, or blank ones or tantrummy ones.

Ive been NC with him for about 14 months now. Got sick of this shit and told him so. I'm nc for other things too, not just this but it was the nail in the coffin.

It may not be usual for many people to feel that the onus was on them to call their parents but the PA nonsense and the calling other relatives whilst refusing to call an adult child, is, I think unusual.

OP, you have my sympathy, your mum seems to get some kind of kick from upsetting you - you either let it wash over you or you confront her. I suspect confrontation will lead to accusations of you being 'oversensitive' and/or tears with how she just can't do anything right etc. I guess you will end up making a duty call every week or fortnight and plan to go to your happy place as soon as the call is finished!

OK, I admit defeat, many of you have got really shit parents.

I wish I knew how to help her.
My siblings don't really bother with her anymore...unless they want something.

I had this with my mum. One day I said...

"Mum, the reason I don't call you more is because you say things designed to make me feel guilty. And it doesn't feel very nice. You might not mean it, but when you complain I don't call enough, it makes me less likely to call you. If you want to speak to me, you call me. If I want to speak to you, I will call you. You can call me any time. If you are not nice to me when I call then I will stop altogether"

She sulked for about three weeks. But now she calls me all the time (its a bit annoying )