Moral dilemma - do I go to a concert with my ex from years ago or not?

[SirChenjin]

Need the advice of you wise MNetters (well, MNetters ) as DH and I are going round in circles with this one.

Backstory - ex and I went out for about a year and a half, 25 years ago. He dumped me, but I was going out with someone else within a month so hardly heartbroken! We're in the same field, bump into each other occasionally at work things, met up once for coffee (he bought along the family holiday photos to show me) and as a result are now friends on FB. We PM each other, very boring stuff - work, family, kids, stories about people on our course etc. We both like a particular singer/songwriter who is now touring for the first time in ages, and who is, according to DH "dirgy".

Ex (I say ex, it was so long ago he's more just a friend from way back, iykwim?) asked me if I fancied going to see the singer, I said yes (no-one else I know likes him - they haven't even heard of him) and said to DH. DH was not happy at all, although he has now come around and said I should go - but I know he's putting a brave face on it, which means that I don't want to go. He now feels bad because I've got no-one to go with - I suggested he comes with me, but he's said he really isn't interested, the practicalities of us both getting to the mid week concert/childcare are a PITA, and is glad I've got someone to go with (only he's not glad - 20 years of marriage means I know him pretty well..!)

So, what would you do. Go/not go?

[sensiblesometimes]

Don't go ..he's not just a friend ..relationships when we are young are very intense (1.5 years is a long time when you're 18 or similar ).those feelings don't go away perhaps his feelings for you .
Go with hubby ...keep life simple

[MelanieCheeks]

I would go. I often have lunch with people who I was close to in the past, but still have a shared (i.e work) interest. DH knows, it's not like I keep it a secret.

[SirChenjin]

Beauty - that's pretty much how I'm feeling.

Dr - you've pretty much summed up what DH has said today.

I don't think I'll go. I'm sure I'll survive - would have been nice to go (haven't been to a gig in years) but it's not worth it if he's that bothered (but pretending he's not). He owes me a night out though, the bugger.

[pocketsaviour]

Fuck all this angst, go. Really can't be doing with a partner who threw a strop about me socialising with friends of the opposite sex. Even ones I might have been banging a quarter of a century ago...

[sensiblesometimes]

Your hubby is being kind and generous saying it's ok when in his heart he's not happy
...This bloke is not a 'friend' he's an ex who still has feelings for you

[sensiblesometimes]

Spice up your social life in other ways ..If that's what's bothering you life gets very boring when we're stuck in the routine

[SirChenjin]

Thing is - even if he does have feelings for me (no reason to suspect that btw, he's been married for longer that I have and has 2 kids) and made some sort of move, I am perfectly capable of saying "no". I love my DH very much and have no intentions of having an affair - I'm not some sort of delicate flower who is easily led astray by the attentions of a man (not, as I've said, there have been any)

[SirChenjin]

Social life is fine, thanks - just haven't been to a gig. Do plenty of other things though

[MistressDeeCee]

Sorry - you PM each other, you are friendly, now its progressed to going to a concert together. I actually think it would be rude to go.

You've already moved on to talking about this man to your DH - its the usual..feeling a need to talk about another man. Then you start talking abotu him on here. You are speaking him into life and existence because you NEED to. The mentionitis has already begun.

The key issues here are whether you are being truly honest with yourself about your closening friendship with this man, whether you would mind if your DH was pm'ing with ex (how long ago they were exes really isn't relevant, its a red herring to mention length of time) and then progressed to going to an event with her. What next...?

Life is not a game of being in a committed relationship with someone, then pushing boundaries whilst being cheered on by others who will encourage you in that mindset as if feelings aren't involved. They won't respect your relationship if you don't. Your DH is being called some insulting names on here, just because he's anxious and upset about you going out with an old flame. Do you respect him & your relationship? Or is going out with an old flame an important victory to have?

Respecting your own relationship and taking boundaries into account is no bad thing..it doesn't mean your DH wants to control you, it means he cares. Don't sit there watching him being called an idiot because of that. If a man posted here about wanting to go out with an ex, no matter from how long ago, whilst his DW sat home with the kids would be crucified. So don't fall for people's agendas..then again Im not sure you are doing that. I think you are just speaking this man into life due to your own need to do so.

Do what you want to do but - own it. Don't dress it up as anything other than it is, and don't think all are fooled by your mention of your DH as if what he thinks/feels is somehow a fault in all this. You could have talked about your ex without mentioning your DH in detail, actually. You're in scapegoat mode & it might be a little wiser and less naive of you to snap out of it

[gatewalker]

You are not responsible for your DH's feelings. You're only responsible for your actions. I'd go.

[SirChenjin]

Mistress - thank you for taking the time to write all that, but you're very wrong .

[rouxlebandit]

There must be so many other people you could take to this gig. Why choose someone you've (only guessing) had sex with albeit a long time ago and who may be looking to spice up his life?

[BeautyQueenFromMars]

SirChenjin I have thought about it further, and pretended it was me and my husband. I wouldn't go, as I wouldn't want to want to do something I knew would make him unhappy. Although I would first spend some time persuading him he should go to the concert with me

[sensiblesometimes]

Well put mistress dee dee ...The fact that this is has become an issue in your marriage ( and on mn ) means it is an issue that needs avoiding ...look up emotional affairs, do the research they happen to all sorts of people in solid relationships who are not looking for affairs . Your husband feelings need respecting ..
He's a wise man who's sees this relationship as dangerous (it is ) but he is trying to please you and be 'reasonable' at the same time

[SirChenjin]

1. There really isn't. If there was I would suggest we all went.
2. I don't care if he's looking to spice up his life - I'm not. I can't be responsible for what he might/might not want - the word no is in my vocabulary, although after a many years of being friends I've not felt that he has any intentions that way. I feel friendship for him, but that's the extent of it - and I actually have people in my life I'm better friends with. He's just one of my friendship group and that's it.

[sensiblesometimes]

And if you don't agree then go to the concert with your ex ...and stop.asking us for permission ....why would you need it
I mean if there is no guilt, no issue , what's the problem ?
Just go :-)

[SirChenjin]

sensible and mistress - II know it might not be want you want to hear, but please, take it from me - there is no 'issue'. I'm posting for opinions as DH and I are going round in circles, and that it all. To suggest otherwise is factually incorrect, and no amount of sucking in breath and shaking your head is going to change that. OK?

[Goodbyemylove]

I say no.

If my (ex)h informed me he was going to a concert with an ex, I would say are you having a laugh? Less politely than that I should think.

And I wouldn't expect him to be ok with it either.

[SirChenjin]

sensible - I've already said what I'm going to do, there is no guilt, and I was not asking anyone on MN for permission to go.

[SrAssumpta]

If there is no issue then go

[sensiblesometimes]

Ok have fun at your concert
Stop posting ...

[sensiblesometimes]

Your making me laugh now

[ButterfliesnWaterfalls]

I wouldn't go. Simply because if roles were reversed then I would be fuming for him to even suggest such a thing. An ex is an ex.

[wannaBe]

Op I would have an honest conversation with dh to try to get him to articulate why it is he's not (or wasn't) happy about you going to a gig with this bloke. It might not be this bloke he's not happy about, but that you are going to a gig with a bloke iyswim.

Not all discontent over such things is irational, even though it may seem so at the time. But there may be things which make him uncomfortable even if you are solid as a couple etc. For me, for instance, music is a very personal thing and invokes a lot of emotion. Therefore if my dp wanted to go to a gig with another woman I would feel uneasy about it because I wouldn't want him to get immersed in music with another woman, as irrational as that may sound. But I would want to express that to him beforehand not stew over it while he was out.

I have been in a relationship where my going out with male friends caused issues, but rather than communicate about it we argued about it instead. I can't hand on heart say that if we'd communicated differently the relationship would have survived, but in retrospect communication would have been a better course of action, which is why in my current relationship I would far rather my dp told me if he was unhappy about me e.g. going out with a male friend and why, even if he felt uncomfortable doing so.

[SirChenjin]

Indeed.