Moral dilemma - do I go to a concert with my ex from years ago or not?

[SirChenjin]

Need the advice of you wise MNetters (well, MNetters ) as DH and I are going round in circles with this one.

Backstory - ex and I went out for about a year and a half, 25 years ago. He dumped me, but I was going out with someone else within a month so hardly heartbroken! We're in the same field, bump into each other occasionally at work things, met up once for coffee (he bought along the family holiday photos to show me) and as a result are now friends on FB. We PM each other, very boring stuff - work, family, kids, stories about people on our course etc. We both like a particular singer/songwriter who is now touring for the first time in ages, and who is, according to DH "dirgy".

Ex (I say ex, it was so long ago he's more just a friend from way back, iykwim?) asked me if I fancied going to see the singer, I said yes (no-one else I know likes him - they haven't even heard of him) and said to DH. DH was not happy at all, although he has now come around and said I should go - but I know he's putting a brave face on it, which means that I don't want to go. He now feels bad because I've got no-one to go with - I suggested he comes with me, but he's said he really isn't interested, the practicalities of us both getting to the mid week concert/childcare are a PITA, and is glad I've got someone to go with (only he's not glad - 20 years of marriage means I know him pretty well..!)

So, what would you do. Go/not go?

[OhGood]

I think DrMorbius is right but I still think the that the really nicest thing to do is say no, no big deal, let's you and I go out for dinner instead. He's obviously feeling a bit hmmmmm about your relationship with this bloke - does he know you PM, etc? - and you know so what if he's being a bit insecure about it; your relationship with him is way more important, and everyone's allowed to be a bit weird and jealous about a few things (just as you're allowed to have this friendship with an ex.)

[motherinferior]

Eh? Quite a few of us have said we wouldn't umm and ahh if our male partners started getting weirdly huffy about us meeting a friend.

[MistressDeeCee]

Its a bit shit what some women regard as empowerment really - all of it is entirely wrapped up in men ie, think/speak about another man, if your man is annoyed then he's an idiot..umming & aahing over whether to go out with some ex, & expecting your partner (the fallback/I wanna be free but not free) to never wonder..& if he does wonder then he's crazily into monogamy/ownership. The whole thing about jumping straight to: you think we're going to have S.E.X - as if emotional affairs, finding ways to be in another's company etc situations don't happen or even if they do, you're not having sex so thats ok then. Just strikes me as all rather silly. Its always about men when all said and done. Still its a man's world, so they say

.

[sensiblesometimes]

Yes mermaid I agree ...The op called it a moral dilemma which provoked the the answers that she then got .
I assume that people with no issue don't post because there is no issue .

[Mermaid36]

I find it bizarre that so many people seem to think that a man and woman can't be friends and must feel the need to rip each others clothes off. Heaven forbid that you just might share some interests with someone of the opposite sex...

I'm still in touch with a couple of ex's (all of whom are happily married with kids) and a couple of guys who I used to fancy the pants off in college (who are also happily married with kids). Just cos I fancied the pants off them when I was 17 doesn't mean that I'm going to jump them when I see them!

[motherinferior]

You can be married without being crazily possessive, though!

[sensiblesometimes]

But I quite like being married

[sensiblesometimes]

True enough Solid ...would be fun

[SolidGoldBrass]

Not bitter, just exasperated at this massive con trick which has been put over on women for centuries - that the most terrible thing in the world is a breach of monogamy so you have to please and placate your man or he will Have An Affair and that's the justification for you being kept under house arrest, because you might do the Bad thing as well. - and so many women fall for it and are perpetually whining and wringing their hands because their male owner walked within half a mile of Another Attractive Woman...

It doesn't actually matter if people have sometime have sex with someone other than their official partner. You don't lose anything by it, unless you have a very fragile ego and too much time on your hands. I just wish people would get over this desperate urge to own one another.

[motherinferior]

I don't think it's necessarily toxic, SGB, if you're both adult enough not to act as if the other person should automatically give up doing things that their partner doesn't like.

I'm with Jengr. The conversation would go something along the lines of:

Me: OK if on Tuesday I go and hear DrearyDirgeMusic (or in my case TwangingCountryMusic) with Mortimer?

Him: God yes, unless you expect me to go with you.

Instead of: Good god no, woman, you will be doubtless paddling palms and kissing with nether lip within five minutes of being alone together what with the fact that several decades ago the two of you had sex, how can you contemplate Endangering the Fragile Fabric of My Ego our relationship in such a manner?

[sensiblesometimes]

You sound a little bitter Solid Gold

[SolidGoldBrass]

You see, any partner I had who got whiny about me wanting to do something with someone else because the partner didn't enjoy the thing would be dumped on the spot.

This is why monogamy is so fucking toxic, especially for women. It's all about giving up things, staying at home, being obedient, acknowledging that you are property.

[loveyoutothemoon]

I wouldn't be happy with my other half going somewhere with an ex. Just saying!

[Jengnr]

I hope things are ok.

I wouldn't hesitate to go if it was me. Whilst it's true that my husband's feelings are valid he is responsible for how he reacts to them and restricting me because of some absurd jealousy is completely unfair.

I'd also be pretty fucked off that the man I vowed my love and fidelity to and had children with thought so little of me and those vows that he wouldn't trust me not to jump someone else.

I'm fairly certain my husband wouldn't give a fuck though so I'd be in a different starting position. He would rather I went with somebody, anybody, else than the possibility I might want him to go :)

[RitaKiaOra]

I was about to say Go, your other half will realise he's being unreasonable when I saw your latest post. Really sorry love. You didn't make the mistake of mentioning this thread, did you? My other half is fine about many quibbles until I ask the internet.

[sensiblesometimes]

Do we get to dance a jig

[goddessofsmallthings]

All hail, BOF, conveyor of logic to the masses.

As a tribal elder you have the choice of feathered headdress, top hat, or a bone through the nose, to be worn on ceremonial occasions and I might be able to cut you a deal on Sewel's ermine

[KatieScarlettreregged]

Shit

[LadyPlumpington]

I hope all is ok SirChenjin......

[sensiblesometimes]

Stick around BOF you might be needed

[BitOfFun]

Blimey, I'm practically a tribal elder .

Call me BOF, please, we're among friends

SirC, hope all is well.

[sensiblesometimes]

Will.look that little lot up in the dictionary and get back to you goddess
What did Bit say ?......

[goddessofsmallthings]

Or not, as the case may be

[goddessofsmallthings]

It seems to me that Bit's the Captain Sensible around these parts and logical thinking triumphs over insularity protectionism.

[GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter]

Oh dear. SirChenjin