What would you think in this situation?

[DotDotDots]

I've been dating a guy I met online for the last 11 months. We hit it off pretty well and things have gone quickly. It's not been without its problems, mainly around our respective dc not gelling very well but I've been very happy and could see a good future with this guy who I thought was very different from most (I know everyone thinks that).

We have both been cheated on and lied to in our previous relationships and BF made it very clear from the outset that he expected complete honesty from both of us. He even specified that he expected to be told if a guy had tried it on on nights out. And I duly obeyed his wishes.

However, over the weekend (which was a bit difficult because we had to have some in depth discussions about the future due to the DC's issues) he told me that he had bumped into an ex and she'd since been messaging him asking him if they could meet up etc. I'm not a jealous person normally and I trusted him implicitly so I wasn't too bothered but something irked a bit but I put it down to the fact that we had been having difficult conversations about the future.

However, he called me from work today to say that they didn't just bump into each other - she had invited him round to collect some stuff he'd left there (over 18 months ago). This was apparently a ruse and she had tried to kiss him. He says he pushed her away saying he had a gf. She has since been messaging him (not sure by what method as he told me he blocked her on facebook and he got a new number in the last 6 months) threatening to tell me that they'd slept together.

He met up with her last Wednesday and has only just told me this today. So he's effectively been lying since then. I have thought back to that day and he was let out early from work and called me to tell me that he was on his way. But he arrived much later than he should have and when questioned, said he'd bumped into a colleague and visited a friend.

I've asked him to send me screen shots of the messages between them but despite saying he would, he's not sent them through. I've also checked my other inbox on FB but she hasn't sent anything. He says she knows who I am but doesn't understand how . What makes this whole thing worse is that this isn't the first time one of his exes has threatened to tell me they were sleeping together behind my back.

He's adamant nothing has happened but it doesn't look good does it? I already feel betrayed by the fact that he delayed telling me and only did apparently as a reaction to her threats. Ive also lost a lot of respect for him since the lying has shown him to be a hypocrite if nothing else.

Not sure why I'm posting really. I'm hurt and feel like a fool for believing he was in any way different. But I'm not afraid to be on my own. So as in the title - what would you think in this situation and what would you do?

I'd say major projecting from him. He had ex's sniffing around him/ so you must do too ( don't we all? - well, no not really). He was aware already that they might try it on/ so yours might too ( he'd want to know). He may in a weak moment reciprocate /so wouldn't you also?
He sees himself as someone with as much integrity as anyone else, ergo, if he's done something wrong ( and to him, he's perfect) then you are just as likely able to do the same.
Except, you wouldn't, because you are better than that. However, I'll bet that if you told him an ex had got back in contact with you, you would see a different side to him, because then he's left with imagining you doing all the things he's done.
Total openness is unnecessary and causes needless stress to the other being told all. If ones actions are honourable, then there is no need to mention it at all in the first place. chance meetings that involve a simple hello, do not require a mention. Constant messaging however? What is that about? Why message at all? Why is a conversation happening that needs screenshotting? It's all BS and it's all coming from him. Cut it loose for a better life.
There is a good reason why he has so many ex's, the domestication and other fine qualities he may have clearly don't make up for his lying, cheating ways.

The problem is that you only have his word that he has been massively lied to in the past about things you just don't lie about and, from where I'm sitting, his word has about as much value as the now defunct drachma.

Often quietly charismatic and/or possessing a 'little boy lost' appeal, men like him stroll through life like a wandering minstrel with a troupe of raggle-taggle gypsies exes trailing in their wake and these women form a 'family' of sorts whose prime objective is to protect and nurture the star of the show - they tend to be welcoming of newcomers because they know that would-be leading ladies are unlikely to occupy centre stage with him for long.

I'm all for exes getting on with each other but these situations are not to my taste as I would find it faintly incestuous to become the new best friend of a partner's exes - with emphasis on the plural.

He's a player and please don't blame yourself. Get back in the saddle and think about what you did and didn't like about this relationship eg too much drama, kids didn't get on, maybe it moved too quickly? That will help you be more fussy about what you need and want from a future partner and what feels ok/ not ok. It's a shame this one didn't work out as you had feelings but there will be others, good and bad. Be selective, have another go of online dating and best of luck for the next time.

Don't worry everyone, I agree with most of what you're saying.

Just to add to the drama, an ex of mine did recently contact me on facebook to test the waters. I'd recently changed my profile photo from one of me and my boyfriend to one of me and my sister so I think he was testing to see if I was newly single. The difference being that I told bf immediately and didn't reply because I wasn't interested. Bf was actually ok with it though and didn't react negatively.

Yes, both the ex and the friend contacted me through facebook. I don't think they were fake. He's pretty close to the friend who is also his ex SIL so it doesn't surprise me that he will have called her to get some emotional support for himself. I'm not sure why she deemed it necessary to contact me though - I'm guessing she thought she was helping. Again with his DC's mum, there has been a bit of drama from her and she seems keen to be friends with me which would be ok if it wasn't being pushed so much. Bf seemed as surprised as I was that she messaged although it doesn't surprise me that they discussed the situation as in some ways their boundaries are blurred in that they do discuss this kind of thing with one another. in that message she also mentioned a time when she offered herself to him but he was seeing someone else at the time so declined. This was supposed to prove that he is loyal. Please don't think that these people in any way reflect on me. This is never the course of action I would take and I'm generally a pretty introspective and private person, which is partly why I'm perplexed at others getting involved. Still, I think they mean well.

The problem is that they're all focussing on whether something happened between them. Her motive according to them, is that she thought he was cheating on her and now wants revenge. I agree that women don't usually lie about such things. And besides, the betrayal happened at the point that he went round. I could even perhaps forgive this mistake but to lie about it for so long after? That's why, wether he pushed her away or actually had sex or anything in between, is practically irrelevant. And I've told him as much.

i think your instincts are pretty spot on

They are him on fake ID's !

I understand why you think that Granny, but his DC's mum has friend requested me on Facebook before whilst bf was in the room with me. I can see that these are genuine profiles with lots of friends/updated information and the messages come across as genuine attempts by them to help. I know they believe he isn't capable of something like this and I guess feel angry on his behalf that he is being 'stitched-up' in this way.

But as I said before, they're focussing on the wrong thing. His betrayal was lying to me which is of his own doing and nothing to do with the OW. If he'd come straight back and told me immediately there might have been some trust salvaged.

Dot Anyone who has to go and get Other People to message you all about their honesty is a right Drama Lama. For this reason alone I would kick him to the kerb, without him being dodgy as fuck a bit suspicious in the keeping-it-in-his-pants-department. Sorry.