Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Issues with sex

46 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 26/07/2015 22:54

My DP and I have been together for five years. We're perfect for each other in many ways and he is (mostly) very tolerant of my ASD related quirks. Our biggest issue however, is sex.

He says we don't have it enough but will never initiate it. We could be sitting in the lounge watching TV and he will just be sitting there, getting more and more annoyed that an aforementioned sex session hasn't happened.

I've spoken to him loads of times and said that I like to be approached in a certain, gentle and cuddly way. This usually works and rarely ends in me saying no.

In case you're thinking I'm a total nutcase, I was sexually abused as a child and sexually assaulted as a teenager. I refuse to be anyone's "where there's a hole, there's a goal".

My DP however, has a very high sex drive and this is our biggest issue. He tells me he is frustrated that we only do sexual stuff once or twice a week.

I tell him to initiate it more. Actually do something loving. He knows how to get things going but doesn't seem to do it. He just waits for me to suggest it and we just get straight to it. I end up feeling a bit used.

Am I being totally precious here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 26/07/2015 22:59

The situation is becoming intolerable. He makes me feel useless and like an appliance that is dodgy.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 26/07/2015 23:02

From what you're saying, he wants more sex but never initiates it? I'm struggling to see why you would consider you may be getting it wrong?
If he gives you affection, you said you will respond and you sound interested in him sexually. Maybe the issue lies with him?

Gabilan · 26/07/2015 23:08

You're not being precious, no. It is miserable being with someone with a different sex drive, particularly if they won't initiate and especially if they make it sound like it's all your problem.

But beyond talking to him and maybe getting couples counselling I don't have much actual advice. Hopefully someone will be along with proper advice in a bit!

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 26/07/2015 23:14

I think we have communication issues to be honest. Yes I have sometimes said no when I have been tired or need to get ready to go out, and I think he has got it into his head that I will say no.

I won't.

What I don't want is the passive aggressive drama when it doesn't happen.

Tonight, he asked me if we could have sex, I said yes but needed to do some work. I finished and then chilled on the sofa for a bit because I have become very sick and tired of the drama.

I love him, i fancy him and I want to be with him forever. But I need more than i am getting. I want to be touched, told I'm beautiful and generally "loved" in a sensual way as well. He would rather get straight down to business. I have grown bored with that.

When I tell him that I would love for him to just start snuggling up, to get close and just make physical contact in a loving way, he says that he sees it as pointless.

I need more love and he needs more sex. He won't "invest" the time into giving me more love because he cannot guarantee a return.

I won't feel used anymore either.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Morganly · 26/07/2015 23:15

You are worried we'll think you're a nutcase? If there is a nutcase in this set up it's not you. You have given him the solution on numerous occasions but he won't do it. Ask him why.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 26/07/2015 23:16

Bringing this up with him results in him pointing put the things I do wrong as well. I am pretty untidy and like a lot of my own space.

He says I live like a single person. I think that I didn't throw my own personality away when I entered into the relationship. I can feel myself changing slowly though to avoid rocking the boat.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 26/07/2015 23:19

It sounds like you both have gripes. Counselling could help resolve these.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 26/07/2015 23:19

The reason he won't is that he sees it as pointless. He doesn't think he will get a return from the extra effort because he has got it into his head that I will decline his advances.

My history of rejecting his advances is in the general context that I felt he went from 0-100 too quickly.

He responds by saying that sometimes he just wants a fast and quick one without the prior effort.

TMI alert. He likes doing it from behind and I hate it. I feel like a sex toy. And it hurts.

Doesn't stop him from asking for it all the time though. Oh God.

OP posts:
Offred · 26/07/2015 23:21

So he thinks the only way to do anything is his way and his way involves you not having any needs or any space?

Yeah, it isn't you that's the nutcase...

arsenaltilidie · 26/07/2015 23:24

Maybe he means he wants you to initiate it some times.

Offred · 26/07/2015 23:25

And this isn't an issue with sex. It's an issue with a selfish, entitled and controlling man. It's coming to a head most prominently in the sexual side of your relationship because that's where it is most important (to you) that he behave respectfully and considerately towards you.

DoMeDon · 26/07/2015 23:26

I'd say this is 100% not a sex issue but an incompatibility issue.

LineRunner · 26/07/2015 23:26

Does he know you hate it that way?

This sounds like a sad and awful situation. You are not wrong to realise something is seriously amiss.

Gabilan · 26/07/2015 23:32

" he has got it into his head that I will decline his advances"

Well you're more than entitled to say no.

It does sound like he's generally dismissive of you. You aren't there just to please him.

I was in a relationship with someone who had a much lower sex drive than I have. When he did want sex his foreplay was totally inadequate. The whole situation was horrible as I wanted to have sex more often, but not in the way he wanted it.

I should have split up with him sooner than I did. Afterwards I did find someone much more compatible. Unfortunately we're no longer together, but the sex was still great.

Either he listens to you and makes changes, or you call time, I think.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 26/07/2015 23:33

Yes, he does know I hate it that way. To be honest, I've been thinking about what it would mean to not be with him anymore. I love him though and he has some excellent qualities.

Anyone familiar with my prior postings will know that he lied about still being married to the mother of his children and that he is still married four years after I found out it was a lie. He strung me along for a year and a half with that own. Everyone knew but me.

Those are our two biggest issues.

His issues with me are the sex thing and my generally being untidier than he is. I have said many times that I (having ASD) find it difficult to know where to start and get overwhelmed easily and that a rota of someone sort would work for me. A "Grape cleans the bathroom every three days and does the washing up on x days of the week" would work as I find rules easy to follow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 26/07/2015 23:34

Hard to know what to do. I feel like I've been trying to please him for so long that I'm slowly forgetting what it's like to just do what I want.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 26/07/2015 23:37

Ok. He likes doing something to you sexually that he knows you hate and that hurts you.

He also emotionally hurt you by lying about being married. He still hasn't dealt with that.

I would think a lot more about life without him tbh. And I'm sorry Flowers

DoMeDon · 26/07/2015 23:37

what are the good bits? They'd have to be pretty massive for me to tolerate the above!

LineRunner · 26/07/2015 23:37

It's good that you're articulating what you want and don't want on here.

wallaby73 · 27/07/2015 05:27

How on earth can he continue to want to do something sexually to you that he KNOWS you don't like and it actually HURTS you? This is so very unnerving....sexual bullying? Why are you with this man? This alone is reason to just stop

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 27/07/2015 06:13

Bin him he sounds like a knob.
Just wants a quick one without the effort? I'd have told him then that any part of his pathetic body that touched me, I was ripping off and keeping. He doesn't respect you. Entitled Nuts reading little walloper that thinks all women walk around in crotchless pants mounting their man constantly. Get rid. Let him sulk at some other woman to get sex.Angry

Jan45 · 27/07/2015 12:35

I wonder if he's a porn user, wants the sex but without any effort and you are having sex with him twice a week, he does sound a horrible man tbh, treating sex like that, I'm surprised you do it at all.

As for the behind comment, seriously, why are you with him?

AlisonBlunderland · 27/07/2015 12:48

Tell him you've read about this wonderful new satisfying sexual technique you are desperate to try.
Once he's naked, tell him it involves applying sandpaper vigorously to his cock.
Then he might realise what doggy style feels like to you.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 27/07/2015 14:26

Haha Alison you made me giggle

OP posts:
Mika27 · 27/07/2015 15:32

Jan45, exactly what I think about him as porn user. He wants a sex servant and with no effort coming from himself.