Issues with sex

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

My DP and I have been together for five years. We're perfect for each other in many ways and he is (mostly) very tolerant of my ASD related quirks. Our biggest issue however, is sex.

He says we don't have it enough but will never initiate it. We could be sitting in the lounge watching TV and he will just be sitting there, getting more and more annoyed that an aforementioned sex session hasn't happened.

I've spoken to him loads of times and said that I like to be approached in a certain, gentle and cuddly way. This usually works and rarely ends in me saying no.

In case you're thinking I'm a total nutcase, I was sexually abused as a child and sexually assaulted as a teenager. I refuse to be anyone's "where there's a hole, there's a goal".

My DP however, has a very high sex drive and this is our biggest issue. He tells me he is frustrated that we only do sexual stuff once or twice a week.

I tell him to initiate it more. Actually do something loving. He knows how to get things going but doesn't seem to do it. He just waits for me to suggest it and we just get straight to it. I end up feeling a bit used.

Am I being totally precious here?

Cut your losses OP, 5 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

So:
He knows that you want him to initiate in a certain way, because
You're an abuse survivor, which he is aware of
He knows that you don't like it from behind

He doesn't care about any of the above because he thinks it's "pointless".

I think he is pointless. You will be happier without this piece of human waste in your life.

I would happily kick this guy unconscious, I really would. Bumped into a few of these over the years. Seriously, chuck him out OP. He doesn't see you as a human being.

Get rid. And bear in mind that he's not, actually, that desperate for sex. He is getting his jollies by upsetting you. If he genuinely wanted more sex he would have listened to you about the way you prefer to have it. Men who keep on making the same sort of sexual advances to a woman who has asked for something different are not hoping this strategy will work and make the woman open her legs - they are looking for reasons to bully and belittle her.

Perhaps, although he clearly wants to have sex with you (and you do with him that is obvious), he does not want to initiate because of your past experiences with abuse? He possibly does not want to upset you.

Just a thought.

It's about control and power, not even sex.

Did not see the rest of the posts .... I agree with PP, I think you are better off without him.

I am like you, OP, in that I don't like doggy style - painful and uncomfortable, and (for me at any rate) emotionally weird. None of my partners have ever had an issue with this - they have all reacted with "fair enough, loads of other stuff we both like." This is how normal men react. Continuing to insist on a particular sex act when you have been told your partner dislikes it is abnormal. I agree with the others, get rid.

just are you the boyfriend? OP he sounds awful. It's far from 'pointless' for him to approach sex in the way you ask. You've told him that's what you need and why. Him thinking it's pointless is basically saying that considering your feelings is pointless. I feel ill just thinking about having sex with a 'man' like that.

Cross postedjust sorry!

I'm thinking that a future without him would be a much less stressful one for you. And he would be better with a blow up doll that he doesn't have to make any emotional effort with.

Grape you sound like a lovely, gentle and humourous lady.

You deserve to have your needs met - it isn't as though meeting your needs would deprive him of anything.
Sounds like you've done your best to talk it out - possibly some counselling would help him "hear you" better.
I worry that you have said a couple of times that you are losing yourself a bit. That's never good.

Hope you sort it - and please don't think you have done anything wrong.

I remember your last post about him lying about being married. Weren't there lots of other issues as well? And lying about other things? I forget the details but he sounded horrible then, and the general advice was to leave him. Perhaps that's what you should really be considering here. I promise you, your prince is out there, but you'll never meet him while you're hanging around with this giant loser.

kit.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2375582-Heartbroken-and-worried-and-I-dont-know-what-to-do

Omg OP I've just read your previous posts, why are you still with this arsehole!

I know. I'm really weak and pathetic. I just love him a lot and I love all of his qualities. I am a total fuck up as a girlfriend. I honestly feel like I deserve nothing.

Oh grape don't say that
You are a human being and you feel and think. You deserve someone who understands that. You deserve to be happy! This isn't the life anybody who knows you would want for you. When you find the strength to kick him out, we will be here. Promise.

I just feel so sad lately, like everything I once loved is now too much for me and is overwhelming.

I have had some dark thoughts. I write outside work and this has been a comfort but the darkness in my head is getting worse.

I know DP loves me, I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, cuddles me and does little cute things for me. I just fear that we are really incompatible.

I have only had one other boyfriend and that ended badly. He was violent when angry and overwhelmed and had a lot of emotional problems. He had moved on and has a family now.

I would have given the world for us to have remained friends so that is a sadness for me. As a boyfriend he wasn't good though.

I just don't know what to do or how to feel better. My mood is so low right now that when my best work friend picks me up on something it depresses me for the rest of the day.

I find myself "latching" onto other people but not openly, just in my inner appreciation of them. I can't seem to find the friendship/relationship that I need.

Cut your losses now. You deserve more than this shit; you need to raise your standards and expectations from a romantic relationship and partner.

The behaviour you've described is disgusting and more than enough justification to LTB. There are decent men out there that don't lie and don't treat you as a sex toy without feelings.

"I know. I'm really weak and pathetic. I just love him a lot and I love all of his qualities. I am a total fuck up as a girlfriend. I honestly feel like I deserve nothing."

OP that really isn't healthy. You wouldn't hang around with anyone who said stuff like that to you - well I hope you wouldn't! If you feel as if you're about to start saying this stuff to yourself try to direct your thoughts towards something else. Just think of one good thing about yourself you can repeat as a mantra even if it's just "I'm trying my best".

I'm not so sure you love him so much as an idea of him you have in your head. He does a little thing for you and that becomes something amazing in your eyes because your opinion of yourself is so low. And in the meantime he does appalling, shitty aggressive things and you somehow think you deserve this.

I mean this kindly - move on from him and get some help for yourself.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't like women very much.
Get rid of him, cut him right out of your life (you don't have kids with him so you can do that) and then stop dating or looking for a partner. You need at least a year completely free of sexual/romantic relationships while you sort yourself out, because you need to love yourself before you are in any fit state to have a healthy romantic/sexual life.
Right now, you are vulnerable and your dickhead radar is not functioning. So you are too needy and messed up for nice guys but, unfortunately, you are extremely attractive to woman-hating arseholes. You can fix that. You have to fix thatbefore you are safe to date.