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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DH can be SUCH an arse!!!

32 replies

IamBlossom · 21/11/2006 21:00

Sorry this is fresh from a row, and not as crucial as some of the other threads I've seen here, but I have to vent!!

I am due to go out with work on Thursday night in London - first night out since I had my second son, who is now 15 weeks. We also have DS1, who is 2. I am really looking forward to it, will be the last time I see lots of these old friends, have bought new clothes for it, and am staying out in a hotel so avoid travelling back drunk. DH at first really supportive of me going, staying home from work on Friday to look after the kids etc.

However, what i knew would happen has happened - as the night approaches he has dropped comments here and there, implying I shouldn't go - he put the kids through bath and to bed on Monday for the first time when i went to the doctors and it was really hard work for him and I think he is now shitting himself about Thursday - "DS2 has a cough, he's really ill, he'll be impossible to put down", "DS1 will ask where you are and get upset" etc etc. Now I feel like I shouldn't go at all!

All I need is for him to accentuate the positives and not mention the negatives. DS2 has a cough but he is fine! It won't kill them not to see Mummy for 14 hours! He is making me feel guilty and I won't enjoy it if I feel bad and I am livid with him for doing this even though I KNEW he would! He goes out every Friday night for two hours to the pub, during bath and bed time by the way so I do that alone at least one night every week.......

OP posts:

bananaloaf · 21/11/2006 21:02

stick to you guns they are his kids too!

sideways · 21/11/2006 21:09

Go. He's being pathetic. He's a grown man and can manage.

Raggydoll · 21/11/2006 21:09

yes you must go

tribpot · 21/11/2006 21:12

NONSENSE.

You go. Obviously it's different if your kids are genuinely ill on the day, but if your dh can't take the pace of bathtime, he can simply skip the baths and have the kids up longer (that's what my dh does when I go out - not out of choice but because he physically can't handle bathtime on his own). It won't do them any harm for one night, your dh has to find his own way to manage.

SnoGloworm · 21/11/2006 21:13

if your ds is 2yr surely DH is used to taking care of them? if he is utterly stuck and cant get them to settle...make up a bed on the sofa and let them fall asleep watching a favoutite movie/cartoon, carry them up to bed later.

fransmom · 21/11/2006 21:13

good grief what is it with men that they keep laying guilt trips about them coping on their own with their own children? he either needs a good kick up the proverbial (not that i advocate violence towards such "men" as these you understand....... ) -p does this as well soemtimes and it gets on my last nerve.- is it really a lack of confidence or is he just being plain obstructive? i think you have damned well earned a night off (and many of them) esp as he can find time (in their bathtime) to go to the pub...... (fm ducks away with steaming ears........

moondog · 21/11/2006 21:15

Don't rise to the bait.
He wants to cause a dingdong.
Smile pleasantly and change the subject.

Go and have a great time.
Oh,and remember,you can choose whether or not you feel guilty so choose not to.
Have fun. XX

LoveMyGirls · 21/11/2006 21:16

you could agree not to go if he promises never to go out either but lets be honest he wouldn't stick to it so why should you?

why dont you say ok i wont go and then cause a row and storm out on the day like (he would probably?) do to you if the shoe were on the other foot.

i don't see why men expect us to cope yet they say they can't manage without us etc, makes me very mad my dp would never get away with this in a million years.

iwouldloveadollypleaseSanta · 21/11/2006 21:25

oh god just ignore him, my dh tries to avoid ever giving dd a bath because he says leaning over the bath makes his back ache - and mine obv is not importnant??!! You are entitled to one good night out whether or not it will be difficult for him.

ginnedupmummy · 21/11/2006 21:37

Message withdrawn

Original poster

IamBlossom · 21/11/2006 21:39

cor ducked away to feed DS2 and had convinced myself I was being selfish and came back to your opinions and now I think sod it I will go! Loads of mileage in saying fine I won't go and making him feel really guilty....but that would set a really bad precedent and I will never get out again! True whoever said I can choose to feel guilty so should choose not to....but am now going to have to endure two days of wincing every time DS2 coughs (DH is at home not working for two weeks to make matters even worse). Sigh. So infuriating when I don't say a WORD about it when he goes out.......

OP posts:

fransmom · 21/11/2006 21:44

you not being selfish! you should go. it will be enormously beneficial to you and you ds. he will get a refreshed mother and yu will have the energy to cope. besides how on earth would your p cope if you got ill with exhaustion???????? (sly )

tribpot · 21/11/2006 21:48

Hang on .. dh at home, not working? You should be out all the time - fiesta!

fransmom · 21/11/2006 21:50

frumpygrumpy · 21/11/2006 21:51

Say nothing, smile, rub his back and tell him he's such a great dad he will cope wonderfully. GO and ENJOY. Kids must learn mum and dad can do it.

Original poster

IamBlossom · 21/11/2006 21:52

Yeah i am out all the time - at playgroup, Toddle Craft, Clinic, Tescos, WITH both kids. He goes fishing. Alot. God I have turned into a total mug, and if I was advising myself I would say get a grip of the situation, but he does work very hard, and it is my "job" to look after the kids, plus I love it. Just want this one night blitz, pretending I am carefree again, you know?

OP posts:

tribpot · 21/11/2006 21:55

"He does work very hard" - my god, if I had a quid for every time I heard that on MN.

We all work very hard.

"He goes fishing"

Nuff said.

fransmom · 21/11/2006 21:56

sorry babe but he didn't get to father the children and then bugger off fishing etc til they can look after themselves. (fm runs off steaming...........

Original poster

IamBlossom · 21/11/2006 22:00

have to agree. Him being at home has been an eyeopener for him - we were all up at 5am as DS1 lost his dummy then DS2 woke up so two very tired children all day has driven him mad. Think it has hit home that I don't sit on MN all day......just some of the day.... I'm going on my night out girls, don't you worry. He can sit downstairs sulking all night for all I care, might leave a note on the bedroom door with an arrow to the spare room.

OP posts:

tribpot · 21/11/2006 22:01

But.. two weeks .. one night is not enough, work it!

Original poster

IamBlossom · 22/11/2006 09:31

He slept in spare room. My parting shot as I went upstairs of telling him he'd been a bad tempered cock all day was clearly his final straw. Circled each other this morning, until we carried on the row, in front of the kids too, till i was in tears, DS2 asking me if Mummy was awight. Shameful. All sorted now, he understands that I was feeling enough trepidation about leaving my 15 week old for the first time and overnight too without him adding his worries on the top, and we are friends again. Phew. Marriage is exhausting.

OP posts:

ishouldbeironing · 22/11/2006 09:36

I would be making him practice bath time and bed time routines until he was perfect - why cant he do it tonight whilst you are there?

lou33 · 22/11/2006 09:46

my exh used to do this for quite a while when i started going out

i'd get phone calls and texts while i was out, which always always could have waited til the next day when i was at home

then when i got back he would pick a fight and i would end upin floods of tears

i almost stopped going out because the aftermath wasnt worth it, but then i thought no, they are his kids too and i am allowed to have time away from my family to unwind

so i just had to find ways of not letting him get to me as much

PinkTinsel · 22/11/2006 09:50

i have to bring ds 4 months into the shower with me as dp can't cope with both kids at once.......... his exact words were 'i couldn't manage both if i needed to pop out front for a fag'!!!!!!!

i feel your pain. just go, it's about time he learned what your life is like.

my dp sees nothing wrong with pising off to a mates on a bath night leaving me to manage both but can't even change a nappy for ds (he's done 3 since he was born)

go out, let him have a rotten night and FEEL NO GUILT!!!!

Bugsy2 · 22/11/2006 09:57

I did stop going out because ex-H would make it so awkward & guilt trip me so badly. He would do exactly what Lou's ex did & would be so horrible to me afterwards if I ever did go, that I just couldn't hack it.
Glad you had it out with you DH Bloss & that you've cleared the air, much better that way than a build up of simmering resentment.

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