Now I've told him it's over help me see it through

[AubergineDusk]

Not sure how to link to my previous thread but I told my husband 10 days ago that I want to separate.
I've since been away with the kids for a few days then out overnight on Friday and busy yesterday. We are still in the same house, the kids don't know anything.
Today I feel so flat and like I'm wading through treacle. So much needs doing round the house but I can't get motivated.
I think I need to get out for a bit.

I understand why you want to get out of the house but sooner or later you are going to have to look at the practicalities. Have you been to see a solicitor yet?

Why is it over?

This is my previous thread.

Yes, I have seen a solicitor - not that it helped at all.

And, my previous thread covers why it's over.

Tried today to set up the opportunity for us to talk without the kids around but he says he's not ready to talk yet - made me really cross.

He's in denial and trying to control the pace. I know I need to toughen up and move things along. Trouble is I've had years to come to terms with this and am more than ready to talk and move on. I feel frustrated and stressed.

He keeps telling me he loves me and that he's 'trying very hard' - at what? To be fair he's making a massive effort (for him) to do more at home - he's even learned to use the washing machine after 19 years and ironing stuff that was previously 'too difficult'. Trying to make life easier for me he says. Too little, too late.

I need to work out what I can do and focus on that. One thing I can't do is get him out of the house.

He seems to still have the mindset that I need his permission/agreement to do anything.

He's been abusing you for years, yes it is too late.

Who cares what he thinks, he's finally woken up the fact that you are not suffering his crap anymore, boo, hoo.

If I was you I'd say very little and get the separation going via your solicitor and take it from there, engage as little as possible, you cant talk to an unreasonable person.

Why has seeing a solicitor 'helped at all'? Did you consult a solicitor who was recommended to you or did you ring round to find one who specialises in divorce and family law and has expertise in cases where emotional/verbal abuse is involved?

I really suggest you contact Women's Aid. This man has raped you once (or more?) and this point at the breakdown of the relationship puts you at higher risk than before.

WA should also be able to provide a recommendation of local solicitors who specialise in divorce cases with abusive spouses. It's really important that you have a solicitor who "gets it" and understands that they are not dealing with a normal, reasonable human being.

You have a long road ahead of you OP but there is life and light at the end of that road.

I need to find a solicitor. The one I saw was recommended but I didn't rate her.

I'll look at Women's Aid - I don't really see myself as suffering DV.

He's still controlling me through my fear of how he will react to what I say or do and how that will affect the children.

He's home now.

Aubergine I followed your previous thread as it has many parallels with my experience. I've also separated from STBXH recently. You've built up the strength this far, you will see it through.

He may begin to turn from trying to overcompensate to anger that he has a loss of control over the situation; keep coming back to what you've written on here to help you remain strong and focused. All the best

Thanks despicableshe (great username btw).

He's said this morning that he will be ready to talk soon - he doesn't want me to think he's going to try to make me wait forever. I am still going to find another solicitor and think I have identified a suitable firm. Will give them a call. I need to keep moving forward with what I can.

I just felt so frustrated yesterday.

I don't think "the talk" is going to help, do you? Yes, keep moving forward on your own, with support from professionals.

Aubergine thanks!

A friend recommended a book to me, "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J Elliot. So far I'm finding it helpful in terms of getting through the separation and eventual divorce. You'll feel so much freer when the two of you are in separate homes, I felt almost guilty at feeling pretty much relieved in the evenings and he's not here!

Thanks for the recommendation despicable.

We had a brief talk last night that managed to make me feel both worse and better. Better in that he's acknowledging what's happening, worse in that his timescales are way off mine and worse in that it's reinforced my concerns that his idea of 'putting the children first' is not the same as mine.

He tells me he'll be ready to talk in a couple of weeks after a big stressful thing at work is over and he's has time to access some counselling through his workplace employee assistance programme. That he's planning to seek help is good and not what I expected so that's positive at least.

In the meantime I'm going to make an appointment for 30 minutes with the solicitor I've identified and look at some help for myself over what's gone on.

I can't wait to be in separate homes but he says he's not leaving so I will have to 'sort things out' whatever that means.

I didn't ask - it was late and he was still in the irrational stage of the conversation.

How's it going, Aubergine? Have you popped over to the Divorce/Separation section on Mumsnet? I'm also finding Wikivorce very helpful.