Apologies if this gets long. I don't want to drip feed and there's a lot of back story.
Basically, I want to end my marriage but I am afraid. I've been unhappy for years, when I've said anything to H he's been dismissive and started on about how hard things are for him (busy with work and child's sporting commitments). I find it hard to voice my feelings I know I do and I feel responsible for everyone else's happiness - I am a 'good girl'.
We've been married 16 years, have 3 DC's aged 9-13 I'm 49 and he's mid-50's. It's a second marriage for both of us. No kids from my first, he has two adult children.
I have posted before under a different username and that was the first time anyone had said to me that the only reason I needed to end it was that I was unhappy - sounds silly now but that was a bit of a revelation.
Over the years things he's done and said have eroded away the love I had for him, I know I bear some responsibility for not speaking up more firmly, for letting things go, for thinking 'that's how it is and I have to get on with it'. Partly too it's been a case of being so busy managing day to day life with three kids and working full or part time at various points with the major responsibility for everything to do with our lives except the middle DC's sport, that I've pushed our 'issues' to the bottom of the to do list to tackle later. Trouble is that now it's too late - it's all gone for me.
He is moody, miserable, negative, paranoid, angry with everyone, doesn't like people, always picks fault, is always on at the kids.
Sex is hideous. I haven't wanted it with him in a long time. He has a high sex drive. Didn't listen to what I wanted when I used to bother saying anything. It became another demand on my body and energy when the kids were small but he 'needed' it. I have shown no enthusiasm for sex in years and years and never initiate it - all I got were complaints about never initiating it.
Late in 2013 a few things happened that made me realise I can't go on with this - bereavement, serious illness, realising I was approaching 50 fast. That was the first time it entered my head that I could have a future in which I wasn't married to him.
It took until late summer last year for me to say anything. I told him I was unhappy and why and that I didn't want to have sex with him. He went into a massive irrational rant including how I was lucky he did as much about the house as he did, he would leave the country and I 'wouldn't get a penny' if I divorced him etc. etc. That lasted about 20 minutes then he went into the mode he has been in ever since of self pity, 'please love me', emotional wreck, crying, going round with his head hanging down, putting his arms out for a cuddle wearing a wounded puppy face, buying me unwanted gifts, following me about, offering to do the smallest things for me 'I'll take that', 'let me carry that for you' I could go on and on.
He started doing more about the house and being better with the kids but that is wearing off.
He still 'needs' to touch me and have me touch him sexually. We had had penetrative sex three times since the 'conversation', once against my will - I know how terrible that is.
I have been biding my time till a financial situation resolves which will be in the early summer and I am building up my courage to tell him after that that it is over.
He is completely dependent on me emotionally, he has no real friends, doesn't like his family and is many miles away from them. If (when) I tell him he will be incredibly angry then completely disintegrate. He will also use that I am going to cause the children upset and pain.
I have RL friends who know what is going on but my family has no idea. My mum said the other day that she hope's I appreciate him (he was in full on perfect husband mode) - I don't know whether she picked up on my lack of reaction to that one!
He is away this coming week. I am going to open myself a bank account and take out a credit card. I have been planning and researching the financial situation. I feel like I am moving towards doing what I want to do but I still can't imagine I am actually going to do it.
I am afraid of his reaction, I am afraid of the effect his reaction will have on the kids, I am afraid of what us splitting will do to the kids, I am afraid of my parents' reactions. But most of all I suppose I am afraid that my fear will stop me ending it.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Afraid to end my marriage (rather long)
AubergineDusk · 15/03/2015 10:21
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.