DP gone out with the kids, I'm packing his stuff while he's gone - help me keep it together

[BlueBananas]

He doesn't know I'm doing this, there will be a lot of shouting when he gets back, but I just really really can't do this anymore

I have tried I really have, but he hasn't and doesn't think he needs to, so what choice do I have?

We have 2 DC and I'm pregnant, I can't stop crying ATM and I'm going to need some serious hand holding, I don't want to tell anyone in RL because I am so embarrassed that this is happening yet again!

Bitter I've tried, but he's not really the kind of person that you can talk to

They've only just gone out and I think he suspects something's up - I can hear the dishwasher running

Thankyou Browsers that's what I needed to hear

I left my ex when I was pregnant with DC4 after discovering his (latest) affair.

It was very hard but then so is being in an unhappy relationship.

Nearly 5 years on and life is so much better and I am so glad I made the break. Just hold on tight through this bit op, I am sure happier times will be ahead.

To avoid huge fall out in front of the children, could you say you need a few days without him to gather your thoughts? Send him to his mums and then speak to him tomorrow.

Good luck.

It's a very brave thing you are doing. Take courage.

For all those reasons you have listed.

He needs to be a partner to you, not a man-child.

Stay strong. You can be happy after this.

I think he suspects something's up - I can hear the dishwasher running so that he can claim to be very helpful?! So transparent.

I agree that it would be helpful to have someone there with you, and preferably not the children. Shouting and stropping and punching walls is scary for children of any age, and it's not how you want them to remember him leaving.

If you could talk about it tonight as a done deal, this it over, we need to sort out other arrangements etc. then you could leave it until tomorrow to spring it on him that he's moving out.

However, as you've already packed his stuff up he will know when he gets back so I think it's best you make other arrangements for the DCs and get a friend round to be with you. You need some back-up, if only to keep your resolve and not back down when he complains, regardless of whether he gets aggressive. Also, you are likely to be upset, as despite the state of the relationship, this is still a big step for you.

Hope it goes as well as can be expected

Yes I think I might have got a little bit ahead of myself
Shockers that sounds like a much better, and more sensible idea, I might wait till DC are in bed and try that

I'm going to calm down and have some tea and cake now

Just want to add, not judging you for throwing him out, just think you can protect yourself and the kids better in how you go about it. My ex caused all kids of trouble when we split (my choice) and I dearly wish the children hadn't had to witness it.

MarkRuffalo yes that's exactly it - "I've done the fucking dishwasher today how can you say I do nothing?!"

I haven't packed his stuff yet, he changed plans to lunch at home first so he didn't leave that long ago, I think asking him to give me a couple of days space and then telling him while he's gone that I don't want him to come back will be a much better and calmer option...and if he's not calm at least he's not here ey

I did it that way OP - told him to leave for a month then told him to stay away. Do what you have to do, OP.

Just make sure you do it.

Think you've posted about this angry man before, OP? You are doing the right thing

Yes I have posted about him before, but I left the thread to die because I felt very judged and embarrassed, I obviously was still in denial about it all and I was still quite defensive of him
Now I just feel tired and drained so I really don't give a shit anymore

Urgh wrong thread! This is for the lady whose husband drive off after a night of drinking.
Sorry OP

Hi OP. Well done on getting the rest of your life started. A precaution: do you have an RL friend who could be present or monitor a silent phone call? When you're ready to start The Talk, ring her/him and make sure the phone's in the room but concealed. Modern phones can record through pockets or from distances of up to 30 feet. If he kicks off, your friend can cut off and ring the police. Also install Call Recorder for Android; marvellous app that gives nothing away.
I can make a fairly good guess that a twat like this is going to go "how fucking dare she?". Given the prior behaviour, he might do something cretinous.

I've been the friend on the phone. 90 miles away and shitting myself on someone's behalf.

Courage.

Ok so yesterday afternoon I dropped the kids at my mums and when DP got home from work I did as suggested and told him I just needed some space I think for a few days and asked him if he'd go to his Mums or somewhere

And he did

He said ok he thinks some space would do us both some good, he packed a bag he said goodbye and he left
He even left the car (it's his) as he can get the tram/bus and I need the car more

It was all calm, they were no arguments he just went
And now I feel...bereft
He didn't even say "no I don't want to leave let's talk" he just accepted it! Do I really mean that little to him?!

I haven't spoken to him since & the kids aren't home until tomorrow and I'm just kind of wandering the house not knowing what to do next

What do I do now?!

You pack the rest of his stuff and then you pour yourself a and begin the process of telling supportive friends and family members.

Do you have a pal who'd be able to come by tonight so that you can offload in rl?

Yes, start packing his belongings and making arrangements for his departure. Contact friends or a close family member and discuss it out loud, in real life with someone who can physically provide you with help and support.

Remember also, that it is OK to feel bereft and have a good cry.

I hope it all goes smoothly OP

from me too and change your bedlinen and put any of his belongings that might be lurking in or on bedroom furniture out of sight.

Give yourself this time now to have some bloody peace and quiet and think long and hard about if you actually want a future with him.

From what you have said the relationship is long dead, perhaps the kids were keeping it going, you've done the right thing regardless, space is exactly what you need from him.

It was all calm, they were no arguments he just went

Maybe he also agrees that it is over too.

I agree with pp. Pack the remainder of his things and arrange collection.

Keep yourself busy.
Pack his stuff away.
Tidy some cupboards.
Nice long hot bath and then maybe give yourself a manicure and pedicure.
Definitely call a friend or family member you trust so you have someone to talk this through with.
This is the really hard bit. You will need support.

Thankyou
I've taken the dog for a long walk, cleaned the bedroom and changed the bedding and sort of half heartedly packed his stuff

I'm not really ready for real life people to know yet I don't think, I don't want to talk about it, I feel like it's all I ever talk about, I'm quite enjoying not talking for a while

Thinking that he didn't argue because he's over it too, while true, is a seriously depressing thought
All I ever wanted was for him to love me and us to be a family and thinking that he just doesn't is like a punch to the gut

Eeshk this is really shit

From a practical point of view OP I am guessing you have not married. ? Do you work our side the home ? Will he pay maintenance. ? (if not married its all you will get ) Do you know how you will manage financially. ? Have you got your own income . ?

Don't let his lack of effort make you want to save it... this is the exact reason you did what you did.

Equally, unless it's what you really, really want, long term, don't let him back in.

Stay strong lady... your future depends on it! Xx