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Original poster

DP driven off with nothing - worried about him

52 replies

dontknowwhereheis · 26/07/2015 12:02

NC, sorry.

DP has a bit of a problem with his behaviour when drunk, (generally being an arse) but he accepted this and he stopped getting so drunk and has been fine for months.

Then yesterday he got very drunk and did some very silly things (not violence), but we ended up thrown out of pub, he stomped home, went to sleep. He was saying he's no good for me and that he'll leave this morning, go and stay with his parents, even though he loves me to bits, and being very down and depressed but angry, if you see what I mean. Not angry with me, angry with himself.

He just woke up, put his shoes on, didn't say a word to me and went outside, I assumed for a cigarette. He was ages so I went out to see and

He's gone! Car's gone. He's taken nothing - not his phone, not his tablet, not his phone, nothing, just keys, car and his wallet.

I'm worried sick. I can't contact him. I don't know if he's just gone for a drive to think about things, or buggered off and left me (but why take nothing), or gone to kill himself or something (imagination running wild here).

What do I do? I know police won't be interested as missing person after 15 minutes. Should I leave it an hour (driving time to get there) and ring his parents or ring them now? They are retired and I don't want to worry them if he's just gone for a drive. Should I text all his friends using his phone? (I don't know them all that well, don't have their numbers directly). Not sure which ones to contact, only really know a few of them and there's loads of numbers in there. I'm worried about causing him trouble contacting random contacts that turn out to be from work or something. I could pick out the few I know.

I'm scared he's doing something silly (although he hasn't threatened to). I'm upset he's worried me like this. Is it just a big gesture and I should wait for him to come back? But in the past he was very down and depressed at times, worryingly so, he hates himself and thinks he's worthless when he's like it. Last night he kept saying how useless his is and I'd be better off without him.

What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
Squeegle · 26/07/2015 14:49

I'm sorry you're so worried too. My ex used to drink to a ridiculous level and I would often get into a state like you.
But..... Please try and detach a bit if you can, he has been bloody rude not to tell you where he has gone. ,if he is over the limit then he shouldn't be driving, if he isn't, then there won't be a problem.
Either way it's not your fault. Let the responsibility lie with him.
Please be honest with yourself about whether you want your life to be like this. Even 1% when its like this is just no way to be...

Original poster
dontknowwhereheis · 26/07/2015 14:52

Yes, I think we are at that point.

So sad but just spoken to his mum again and it's the sort of thing he's done before. she thinks he's probably in a pub somewhere drowning his sorrows.

We have no kids or real financial ties etc so IF he's willing to accept he has alcohol problem and do something about it, I'll support him through that. If not, then I don't see that I can continue with him, which will be a fucking shame as otherwise we've been so good together. This won't get better without professional help though, and I'm not living the rest of my life with crap like this happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
dontknowwhereheis · 26/07/2015 14:54

You can tell I'm getting less worried and more cross now.

OP posts:
SkatesMcgee · 26/07/2015 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 26/07/2015 15:01

i would end it.
are you enjoying your life so far with a Master of Chaos?
thought not.

you might only get 80 spins around our sun. if you're lucky.
life is too short to be carrying an alcoholic.
take it from someone who's been there.

Squeegle · 26/07/2015 15:05

Take it from someone with experience- if he doesn't want to change he won't. But he can if he chooses to.

My now ex is sober. Mind you it took 11 years of me trying to control / support/ educate myself/ making threats that I didn't follow through on. When in the end he moved out, he got sober cos. he realised by then it was spoiling his life. Took a while though! What a waste of my life!!! So detach yourself now (with love). Don't take on those things he is responsible for. Don't ever blame yourself if he binges. Don't hide drinks, argue, threaten. But do visit Al anon and do create boundaries for you ( ie if you are drinking, I will not be here)

Coconutty · 26/07/2015 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LazyLouLou · 26/07/2015 15:22

Oh, I wouldn't even begin trying to help him. Your entire life will revolve around him, is he, isn't he, every single second of your life. You may forget for a day or so, then he will be late, he will be very tired and will sleepily slur his words, he will say something/anything and you will wonder...

It is a living hell. The best thing for both of you is that he leave and gets himself sorted before you will consider continuing with any relationship. That could take years, even if he starts today!

Try not to worry about him. That is actually part of your punishment. It is a small taste of what your life will be like. No contact, keep yourself distracted. Force him to sort himself out. He must not become a pet or a project you spend the next few years trying to sort out.

This is where a lot of poster scream protect yourself and they really mean it when they add, run for your life.

I know, that sounds very OTT. But some of us has been exactly where you are and we know. We know that this is not your battle, it is his. Your life will become collateral damage if you try to be involved in his recovery.

And I am very sorry to have typed all of that, I know it will be horrible to read Sad

Original poster
dontknowwhereheis · 26/07/2015 15:43

He's back. I've let everyone know. His mother wants to kill him and says he needs to grow up.

He's been drinking again and gone to bed. He can't believe I called the police. He's feeling depressed about his 'shit life' and a lot of it is apparently my fault. Like fuck is it. He's still saying he's not good enough for me and I should find someone better, and he knows I don't want him here. It drives me nuts as it's a self-fullfilling prophesy. He drinks because he's insecure, but he's only feeling insecure because of my reaction to his drinking. Fuck sake. I want to shake him as he's got so much to offer, and we could be so good together, and so happy, and drink is destroying that. Which makes him unhappy so he drinks. Arrgh.

I'm leaving him to sober up and talking to him tonight.

I can't decide if he gets depressed and self-medicates with alcohol, or is an alcoholic who it makes depressed. Probably a bit of both. He needs professional help and if he won't do it, then I'm going to have to end it. I feel sick. The signs were there but then when I got to the end of my tether he sorted himself out this year, seemed to anyway.

I'm so sad and disappointed with him. I love him but he just to me himself that life is too short to be unhappy. It's just that he thinks what makes him happy is drinking, he can't see it makes him depressed and has destroyed our relationship. And probably other relationships. I know if I tell him it's over he'll see that as him being right in his feelings and justifying getting drunk. He won't see it's only because he gets drunk.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 26/07/2015 15:49

Yes, I always use to wonder that - was the alcohol causing the depression or vice versa?
But ultimately you're absolutely right "like fuck it's your fault"!!
It doesn't matter who's fault it is, but the only person who can choose whether to drink or not is your DP. Blaming someone else seems to come with the territory!
Advice as per what everyone else says: It's over to him to decide what he wants, but you don't want to live with the threat of drunkeness/ crazed behaviour, always hanging over you.

pocketsaviour · 26/07/2015 15:53

It's a pity the police didn't pick him up to be honest. But that probably would have been your fault too, not his fault for getting drunk then driving...

He's still saying he's not good enough for me and I should find someone better, and he knows I don't want him here.

I hope you said, "Yes, you're right."

I have been there with an alcoholic. You cannot change him. He will only change if he wants to, not just saying he does to mollify you, but actually realises how his drinking is ruining his life. And I don't think this guy is there yet. Sorry OP :(

LazyLouLou · 26/07/2015 15:56

He can't believe I called the police. Because you could have got him into trouble, your actions were unreasonable!

He's feeling depressed about his 'shit life' and a lot of it is apparently my fault. Like fuck is it. Print that out somewhere. You will need it, often!

He's still saying he's not good enough for me and I should find someone better, and he knows I don't want him here. And you are supposed to rush to reassure him that he is wrong.

He has started the drunk's script, he will follow it, everyone with alcohol problems does. Now you have a choice: will you go along for the ride or will you bail out now?

Good luck.

LIZS · 26/07/2015 16:00

Everyone else's fault he chose to neck drink after drink.Hmm Don't be drawn into his pity party. Yes he's an alcoholic and not a very pleasant one at that.

Garlick · 26/07/2015 16:00

AA has a saying that alcohol abuse is like a lift that only goes down. Lucky ones get out before it reaches the bottom. Hope your partner can be one of these - promises and good intentions alone won't do it, though.

Floundering · 26/07/2015 16:05

Ultimately OP if you love him the best thing for him may be to get out of the relationship & let him hit rock bottom as then the only way is up.

Many recovering alcoholics say its a huge shock/ wake up call like that or an accident that finally makes them see they need help.

You can tell him that till you are blue in the face but if he won't accept HE has a problem and it is HIS responsibility then bloody hard as it is , step away and leave him to it before he drags you down with him .

CalmYourselfTubbs · 26/07/2015 16:21

OP - he will find ANY REASON HE CAN to justify his drinking. for example:
you had a fight
work is stressful
he's angry
he's sad
he's celebrating
he needs to wind down
you're 'nagging' him
life is shit
life is great
etc etc etc

stay and enable him if you want, but expect him to get worse.
a lot worse.

Finola1step · 26/07/2015 16:27

So did he drive back from the pub?

NewsreaderChic · 26/07/2015 16:31

What I hate about the 'you're too good for me' thing is that it's designed for you to argue against, he thinks that you won't agree because it's not the way we are built to say Yes I am better than you. My ex used to say that and it pissed me off as I'd find myself reassuring him when he'd just been an absolute shit. It's manipulative, he doesn't really think that he just wants to activate the shortcut to you forgiving him.

Maria33 · 26/07/2015 16:34

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it...
Co-dependency doesn't work for anyone. Maybe contact al-anon.

ListenWillYou · 26/07/2015 17:19

You have only been with him for 2.5 years Confused. Is it time to cut your losses?

Have you got kids? Is there a reason that you are still with him?

I don't often say LTB but is this what you want from life. Is there really any point analysing whats happening when it's clear its not working.

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 26/07/2015 17:21

finola that is exactly what I was wondering!

MillyMollyMandy78 · 26/07/2015 17:30

He sounds the spitting image of my ex (except he didn't drive), but otherwise uncanny. You cannot save or help an alcoholic. Only they can do that if they want, and it does not sound like your partner is ready. We were together for over 7 years and did not have kids. We split over 11 years ago and from what i hear he still drinks excessively and drove his elderly mum sick with worry until she died last year. My ex was also violent in the last couple of years due to drink, but even without this his drinking problem made my life a living hell.

RubbishMantra · 26/07/2015 19:39

I agree with a pp who said he caused all the drama today (leaving the house with only the shirt on his back, etc. etc.) so you would be distracted with worry, therefore happy and relieved to see him back home. Instead of pointing out he'd gone back on his agreement to stop gettting so pissed that he behaves like an arse.

He's really good at feeling sorry for himself, isn't he?

Original poster
dontknowwhereheis · 26/07/2015 19:53

he is, yes, but the drama is getting zero sympathy from me. He's just woken up and we are about to talk

OP posts:
LIZS · 26/07/2015 19:58

If he could carry on drinking when missing he didn't leave with no money, he just wanted you to think that.