Why do single woman persue married men

[alexsp234]

I'm just hoping to get some understanding on this. One of my closest friends is a married man. He's been married for all the time i've known him, I've been single for a lot of that time. Much as I think he's great. he's obviously completely off limits to me as a potential boyfriend.

But recently I've seen 2 single women, both a good decade younger than him, flirt and make it clear that they would be open to a relationship, or in one case 'a bit of fun'. Friday night I was out with this friend and others, but without his wife, and I watched a single woman fairly new to our social group subtly manouvre him away from the rest of us and then engage in what I would consider a highly personal conversation about the state of his marriage.

Why would a woman deliberately chase a married bloke?

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it is well established fact that the reason that some young girls fancy married men is because they like matured men who can take care of them.

Just like some young lads prefer matured women to young girls. (that is, these young men find matured women much more attractive, sexually or personality wise)

it is shame that all of you missed this.

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When I was 18 I became the mistress of a married man (no children though). He pursued me but I went along with it because it was fun/exciting, I liked being spoiled by him and I didn't have to deal with any downsides to a relationship.
I don't regret it at all, I enjoyed it.

My main experience of pursuit and married men is the reverse: several married men of my acquaintance have said to me, in an obviously fishing-type way, "Oh, if I weren't married ... "

I have to say to them, gently and kindly, that they are married, and that it is not a compliment to tell me that if they weren't married they'd go for me.

So, my experience is that it's the married men who do the pursuing.

One of my closest friends.....Much as I think he's great. he's obviously completely off limits to me as a potential boyfriend

OP, your friend goes out and mixes without his wife, so one way and another he can probably take care of himself . Or do you believe these overtures are affecting your friendship with him?

Interesting. What did you actually SEE, OP? When you were watching your friend and his interaction with not one but two women? Considering that they manoeuvred him away from the group - and he went... both times. Or did he manage to be manoeuvred twice?

I think he was rather flattered. If you weren't privy to the conversation then I would cease to make judgements and, if it were my friend, I wouldn't be so confident or sure that he's 'unavailable' either.

Salene, your post is disgusting. Who are you to call women such awful names?

this was the first time they had socialised together outside work, he doesn't have her phone number, and earlier in the evening she directly asked him if he was married, i find it unlikely that he was encouraging her.

Sounds a bit naïve to me to say it is "unlikely" he was encouraging her - for all kinds of reasons. To start with he's put himself in a social situation with a woman he's known for a short time. Not that there's anything wrong with that - but it's equally consistent with him wanting a bit of attention from her.

And then he's moved into a one on one chat with her and discussing "the state of his marriage" - personally I think that is a bit of a green light really to another person to carry on down that track. I wouldn't be at all happy if my DH was discussing "the state" (!?) of our marriage with virtual strangers. It's the starting point of "my wife doesn't understand me" isn't it really?

He's an adult man. He's perfectly capable of drawing a line under a topic of conversation and not being "manoeuvred" away for one on one chats. He's obviously up for a one on one chat!!!

Then a big thing is that people generally are rejection averse. Of course there are a small proportion of hardened types who will have a go without any signals and persist, but these people are very few - few men of mature age and even fewer women.

There are all kinds of ways that people encourage flirting - body language, eye contact, escalated touching.

I'm very relaxed about flirting and don't mind if my DH flirts with other women because I do it with other men - but you need to distinguish between flirting with intent to do something and flirting just for fun.

Can't say obviously without having been there, but I seriously doubt this started without getting a bit of stoking the fire from him.

davidburn, the question in OP wasn't about young girls/lads specifically but any single women who pursue married men, it's just one example OP
s given of a woman 10yrs younger than her friend, but I doubt that she is a young girl (i.e. eraly 20s max).

I agree with crux that it's usually plain loneliness and lack of choice (desperation even?) on one side of scale - and on the other arrogant women who like to just take what they want and who also don't mind it being an exciting fling with no responsibility.

But I agree with whoever said that it's still forst of all a self-centred behaviour whatever is the reason, on both parts (single woman AND the man). Of course some married men do leave the wife and live happily ever after with OW, but it's a minority of course. Sometimes people are meant to be together whereas the marriage hasn't been good for him, andthat's a fact of life too. Obviously it's better to fend the marriage first but often men don't want to risk it before finding a replacement (sad but true). Married women leave marriage without having a replacement much more frequently.

etKrusTe, what did we think of my friend? TBH we all assumed she was holding out for the guy who would overcome the impossible odds in order to be with her because she confused the horrible romance novels she was so fond of with real life. Skewed understanding of how relationships work, basically.

Or that was my take. Another, less kindly friend simply assumed she had massive daddy issues. A bit too Freudian for my taste, but maybe not completely off either ...

Two ex friends of used to do this repeatedly to One up other women. Both were narcissistic. I can't even be friends with women like this let alone do it myself.

Also, I think the married women really humiliate themselves doing the pick me dance. The insults I've heard from the mm and ow about the wives is disgusting. A cheating pig is no prize at all.

Because those said women have no empathy, no morals, and no human decency.

I used to have a friend who did this a lot when she was younger. Every single man she had a relationship with was taken in some way when they got together. Every single man left his previous partner to be with her and within weeks she would dump him. She eventually started seeing a man who was single, adored her and was a really nice guy, but she said he was boring and dumped him too. Its like she got off on the thrill of the chase and the romance of it and then when that bit was over, she lost interest.

I dont know what she is doing now, although I do know she had a couple of children with someone, not sure if they got married or not, but I hope she has got over that way of being in relationships, it wasnt healthy for her. She was either head over heels or down and depressed, there was never a point where she was happy and stable.

those said women have no empathy, no morals, and no human decency

Last time I looked at a dictionary, this was not in the definition of "single." I hate this demonisation of single women.

"loneliness not 'badness' can make people have flings"

I think that explains the motivation of some people when it comes to affairs. Being single seems to be my default state, with occasional generally short-lived relationships in between. I'm very independent and fairly introverted so I don't really get lonely but I can see why someone else in my situation might just be very lonely and therefore might pursue someone married.

I've never been the OW and never would be. I think for a fling it isn't worth the hassle, and potential hurt to another woman. And for anything serious? Well why would you want a long-term relationship with someone who has proven conclusively that his vows mean nothing.

I agree with some of the other reasons suggested too. But in the end, it does take two to tango.

Makes them feel theyre better than another woman. They have warped self esteem and enjoy feeling like they can win a man in a competition against another woman.

A friend of mine has a very eligible husband. Single women, or even not so single women, throw themselves at him all the time. He is good looking, a successfull self made millionaire, lives in an amazing house, drives super cars that turn heads etc. I am amazed at how frequently women throw themselves at him, sometimes when my friend is right there! It is something she puts up with on a virtual daily basis. And they all know he is married with 4 DCs too. Sometimes women are shameful.

Branleuse bingo, i think you are right, some women are very competitive and see it as a challenge. A while ago my friend's DH held a birthday party for her and there were women trying to pick up her DH at HER birthday party. I remember there were two women literally fighting amongst themselves to sit next to him, chat with him etc etc.

I second worzels theory that it is a lack of appropriate boundaries on the married mans part, seen it first hand sadly.

Also I have had this very conversation with female friends. The female has no allegiance with other woman kind, that makes a dangerous female.

"A friend of mine has a very eligible husband"

By definition a husband isn't eligible. He might be attractive, he isn't eligible. And the characteristics you list are superficial and material. For me, kindness and intelligence are far more important than expensive cars.

Agree with you, Gabilan and if this kind of superficiality is what makes some women tick then it's hardly surprising that competitiveness raises it's ugly head. Some wives almost court this too, which is very sad - and stupid.

I don't think that OW, pre-affairs or affairs themselves can be pigeonholed. There are +/- 1000 reasons why people have them.

There's far too much generalising going on; women who become other women don't necessarily dislike women, they might be great friends to other women. Being an OW doesn't preclude all of that; lots of women generally don't seem to like other women much.

I have never pursued a married man and never would, and find it hard really to comprehend why anyone would... However I do recall that when I was much younger, more idiotic and naive (think teenager) , I recall that I had a bit of an 'alls fair in love and war ' type attitude to such things. The way I saw it, if a married person preferred someone else then that's just the way it was. Also that the married party's relationship was their own responsibility and not that of the single outside party. An immature view that I don't endorse, but made sense to me at the time. I also had a friend who once pursued a guy I was seeing. She was insanely jealous for some reason, had low self esteem and I think wanted to confirm to herself that she too was just as desirable as me or anyone. Maybe oneupmanship and low self-esteem is also a factor in some cases.

I agree with CheersMedea that your married friend's behaviour sounds completely off, OP. What on earth was he doing discussing his marriage with someone he barely knows?

I also agree with this:

Its almost as if your value goes up if you are attached.

It definitely does go up. Someone else has decided that you are partner material, so now that is your status to the rest of the world. And if you're good enough for one person, then another person is also going to think that being with you will increase their social cachet. For some people (both men and women) that signal that you have been validated in that way will give them validation if you then want to have sex with them.

A while ago, there was a similar discussion on here. One poster said she was happy to have a relationship with a married man because she was wanted a partner, hadn't found anyone when she was at the age most men are still available, and never really came across anyone single now. She didn't see why she ought to entirely miss out on any chance of a long term relationship because everyone happens to be taken. I'm married myself, but tbh I could see her point.

Yeah, it's basically social proof. You've got a man who's been given the seal of approval that he's marriage material, and hasn't yet been dumped.

If a guy's single or divorced then there's an unconscious thought: Why is he single? What's wrong with him?

Married men are also likelier to be financially stable , statistically speaking.

I think it's about self esteem. A woman can prove to herself to herself if she can conquer a married man. I usually find it's women who actually have pretty hidden but very low self esteem.

I agree etKrusTe I think a lot of men think that women need men to be happy. Ironically when a couple seperates 9 times out of 10 the man is the first to find someone else. I don't think in any healthy relationship any man or woman is ever a "prize" to anyone else. Any relationship where the partner is viewed as a prize or that the other person needs to try and hang onto their partner is probably not going far anyway and might be more to do with why they are being "friendly", rather than the fact that they are married.

A couple of years ago I knew a woman who said that when younger she had had "a few" affairs with attached people, because she wanted sex. I don't think she saw it as a moral issue for her because she is not responsible for the moral or choices of others.

Which to my mind is a bit like the people who would buy cosmetics tested on animals, or fur coats, pointing out that it is not them personally who are killing furred animals or applying chemicals to an animal.

But still, there are people who do it just because they want sex/a bit of fun and genuinely believe that whatever harms arise from the affair for others has nothing to do with them.