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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think he's cheating

51 replies

Belaforreal · 25/07/2015 23:09

I have that awful feeling in my gut that my boyfriend is or has been cheating on me. I have absolutely no evidence of this just that pang of "oh fuck"

I don't want to say anything at the risk of sounding paranoid or "crazy".

I don't know what it is. Nothing's changed. He goes out every weekend both days but that started again after he finished saving so not new behaviour really.

I don't know.

What would you do? Say something? I know his phone password but haven't used it. I'd want to know but couldn't take the heartbreak right now.

It could be in my head but what if it's not?

OP posts:

keepingsecrecy · 25/07/2015 23:17

Check his phone seems the best thing to do

I know what you mean about a gut feeling, I had this and I was being cheated on

KnackardMum14 · 25/07/2015 23:24

Didn't want to read and run. someone else may be able to offer better advise.

IME the gut feeling is there for a reason. It's never been wrong. It's not always necessary cheating. maybe sit down with him and discuss how you are feeling? tell him you feel like the atmosphere of your relationship has changed and you are feeling a bit insecure. 99% of the time their reaction speaks louder than words. In the past I've found people who get defensive and claim you are making a mountain out of a molehill without empathising or reassuring you are usually up to no good - cheating or otherwise.

on the other hand I think it's normal to feel insecure from time to time. It depends on the individual circumstances.

what has happened to make you feel this way?

Original poster

Belaforreal · 25/07/2015 23:24

But I don't want to find what I'm looking for iyswim

I know I need to know one way or another but if I'm right it means the end of everything I know and love

OP posts:

Original poster

Belaforreal · 25/07/2015 23:26

Didn't see you there Knackered

Nothing's changed. That's why I'm doubting myself. But in my heart I know something's not right.

OP posts:

KnackardMum14 · 25/07/2015 23:27

Do you live together? is this a long relationship or fairly new?

jellyjiggles · 25/07/2015 23:28

I know you don't want to know but if he is then burying your head in the sand is doing nothing other than making your miserable. If he isn't then your relationship needs work to save it.

Build courage. Look when you know you have support or friends nearby. Personally I wouldn't let on to him because that'll be the beginning of him hiding it from you.

Original poster

Belaforreal · 25/07/2015 23:33

That's a good point Jelly. I need to gather evidence before I accuse him or he'll wriggle out of it.

Knackered. Together a year we don't live together he's a few years younger than me. I have a child whose two

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 25/07/2015 23:34

Don't confront him until,you know more. If you make him realise you are suspicious it will be harder to find info out.

I had a gut feeling, he was cheating :-(

Original poster

Belaforreal · 25/07/2015 23:40

I don't feel loved. He does a lot for me/us but I feel there's something missing. It's not whole. Is that my problem or his though?

When we first got together I choked his phone there were flirty messages to a girl about him pieing her of. I said someone told me about him and her. He told me everything then I checked a few days after all the messages were deleted. I haven't checked since then jerky a year on. I want to I need to but I feel sick

OP posts:

KnackardMum14 · 25/07/2015 23:45

personally, ( and I'm not saying it is the right thing to do - just my opinion) I would probably check. In most of my relationships by the point we had been together a year we would regularly use each other's phones anyway. ie playing games, asking eachother to check texts when we were bust etc.

like a PP said (sorry, on phone so can't check names) life will be utterly miserable not knowing. It can either go two ways;

you look, find nothing, it reassures you and you can begin working out why you suddenly feel different.
you look, find something and depending on what you find you can make a proper informed decision how or if you want to continue the relationship.

I know what you mean about not wanting to look. I suspect you have what I referred to as 'The Fear'. The panic tummy feeling, shaking and nauseous feeling.

you need to take into account the fact you have a child as well. I don't mean to sound patronising, I was once in a simular position myself. been with a guy a year, had an almost 3 year old from a previous relationship and suspected cheating. I put it off for a long time because of 'The Fear' and I look back mow and wished I had acted sooner. Once I dud discover it my child had former a bond with the person in question and it made it a lot more difficult for me to decide to leave. of course it will be difficult either way but it's still something to consider

KnackardMum14 · 25/07/2015 23:47

Sorry just seen your last post. on that case I'd definitely be looking.

Original poster

Belaforreal · 25/07/2015 23:51

I've just tried to call him. His phones off. I'm right I know I am.

OP posts:

jellyjiggles · 25/07/2015 23:53

What is giving you this gut feeling? How has he changed?

KnackardMum14 · 25/07/2015 23:57

When will you usually see him next?

loopylou6 · 25/07/2015 23:58

Sorry, not read full thread, but, is he acting different? does he keep his phone away from you?

Original poster

Belaforreal · 26/07/2015 00:01

He always keeps his phone with him that's nothing new. If he's out he usually comes to mine after but his phones off tonight so we will see. If he dose I'm going to have to check his phones if he doesn't get in contact tonight I'll probably see him tomorrow. This is shit. There's no new behaviour just my feeling has changed.

OP posts:

KnackardMum14 · 26/07/2015 00:06

If he does turn up tonight/ tomorrow, check if you get chance. With you not living together it will be a lot easier to ask him to leave if he is up to no good. easier said than done I know but if you do find anything, no matter the outcome, you will need space to take it all in and decide what you want to do.

is it usual for him to be out every weekend without fail? and by out to you mean down the local, or clubbing?

Anon4Now2015 · 26/07/2015 00:33

I've no doubt everyone will disagree with me but..... please don't check his phone!

If a woman posted on here saying that her DP checked up on her as he was convinced she was cheating even though he had no reason to suspect of her cheating, just a feeling; we'd all be telling her that he was controlling and to LTB.

I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. To be honest I think whether or not he's cheating is a bit of a red herring. You don't trust him and no relationship can work without trust (whether that's deserved or not). If you are going to constantly feel suspicious about him or feel you need to search for evidence - and if talking to him can't solve that - then you need to get out of the relationship.

What's the alternative? Getting all worked up and checking his phone every time you have "a feeling" for the rest of your life? Whether he's cheating or not, that's not a relationship that's working.

princesspink7404 · 26/07/2015 00:43

Belaforreal

Gut feeling is usually right sorry but I would try talking to him first to gauge his reaction and go from there. Don't give him any warning you want to talk either because if he is up to anything, he will try to wiggle out of it.

I probably would have checked his phone by now but as OP said, that is not really the way to go, at least not initially. That said I've always ignored advice anyway You have to do what is right for you at this moment in time. On here everyone can only help and guide. Only you know what you want to do.

I found the truth hurts less than the not knowing - you could screw yourself up for weeks not knowing whereas once you have truth, you have to deal with it there and then. My XH only took 2 weeks to confess but he had made it pretty obvious anyway as he went from being a non-texter to a constant texter and never leaving his phone around anymore. I remember feeling an almost immense relief that I wasn't paranoid, followed by the hurt and anger, then the tears and screaming.

Good luck and I really hope it turns out to be nothing

bestguess23 · 26/07/2015 00:46

Trusting your gut is very important but it sounds like there are other issues here. I am all for being independent individuals but it seems a bit odd if he is going out every weekend both nights. Do you get much time together once dc is in bed? Then using yours as a post social crash pad also not a great way to treat you. If you don't feel loved you need to talk to him and air your concerns. I would also be very tempted to check the phone.

MamaMotherMummy · 26/07/2015 01:01

I would check the phone. I'd have no problems with a partner checking my phone if they suspected me of cheating.

Original poster

Belaforreal · 26/07/2015 01:50

He's just rang. He's in his mates car so he's only just charged his phone he went straight out after football
He doesn't seem that drunk but no doubt he'll pass out within 5 minutes of being here

If feel I can I'll check his phone. Hopefully he hasn't changed his password. He asks if I'm annoyed at him but I'm actually boy. I don't care I just need to know I'm not being made a fool of

OP posts:

princesspink7404 · 26/07/2015 02:13

Belaforreal Doesn't seem overly suspicious (on the face of it)

If it was me I wouldn't be able to contain myself and would have to check phone. Just be careful and don't get caught! I know PP would not agree but sometimes we just have to do these things.

Good luck and let us know. I might be up for a bit longer if you need a shoulder

Original poster

Belaforreal · 26/07/2015 02:33

Thanks. He's still in mcds

OP posts:

Joysmum · 26/07/2015 08:27

When I got together with my DH I had a lot of baggage and was very insecure.

I snooped and I'm glad I did because it proved there was nothing to worry about and I learnt to trust again. We're 22 years in now and although the fear is always there, it's not an irrational fear, just the same as anyone else's.

I haven't snooped for donkeys years, haven't needed to, and my DH knew and understood and was just so sad I led been so hurt before and didn't take it personally. If I hadn't snooped I'd never have known I could trust again. Couldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks about it because it works for us.

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