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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My son 'came out' last night. Just need some pointers :)

35 replies

quickncforthisone · 25/07/2015 07:08

I've nc for this so that his life isn't tangled up with mine on here.

I do have people I could speak with irl, but it doesn't feel right to discuss him without his knowledge with people who know him.

A few months ago, he said that he liked girls, but thought he might like boys too. I responded as I always knew I would. It's not an issue for me on any level.

We had a brief chat about it and nothing more was said. At that stage he wasn't interested in anything more than just 'putting it out there'.

Anyway, last night he mentioned it again. He does like girls, but likes boys too. He's done the whole "could it just be a phase?" questioning.

I've given him my opinion on it (but explained that that is all it is) and he's shared his. Which seems to be fairly similar.

He doesn't seem to want to talk about it any more at the moment, but the fact he's brought it up twice a few months apart...

So basically, I don't want to end up not supporting him properly because, for me, it's not an issue.

Any pointers? TIA

OP posts:

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 25/07/2015 07:16

I think just be there for him, and it will be fine.

I think sometimes we put too much pressure on kids who are coming to terms with anything other than straight heterosexuality.

And, put it this way, if he was just interested in girls, you wouldn't question how he knew or push him for status updates... You'd just accept it.

So, I think make sure he knows your there for him and nothing is a problem and leave him work it out.

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/07/2015 07:20

Absolutely ^^ just be there and ready to listen. It sounds like you're doing great. :)

Original poster

quickncforthisone · 25/07/2015 07:21

Thanks. That's pretty much what I was going to do. Just looking for reaasurance it was the right thing.

OP posts:

nooka · 25/07/2015 07:22

How old is he quick? My dd thinks she is bisexual, and we've had lots of conversations about it over the last couple of years (she is 14). She knows we are fully supportive of her and that it's not an issue at all.

She's had one brief relationship with a girl but has now decided she's too young for all that (I think she also hasn't met someone she really properly fancies). We just take it in our stride really, talk about the potential for future boyfriends or girlfriends (we also have a slightly older ds), tease her in the same way we tease ds, provide support when she asks for it etc.

I do check in with both my children every now and then, ask if life is good, anything on their minds etc but I'd not push it if they didn't want to talk to me, especially if I felt they had good friends to lean on too. On the whole dd is more than happy to tell us about all sorts of stuff and ds needs a bit more encouragement as he tends to be a bit more private.

nooka · 25/07/2015 07:24

Oh and we also talk about sexual politics (feminism, LGTB etc) so plenty of opportunity to discuss big stuff on a more theoretical basis if needed.

Original poster

quickncforthisone · 25/07/2015 07:40

He's 16.

It sounds like we're similar in that repsect, nooka. I check in, but don't push.

Yeah, we also discuss wider sexual politics too. Last night's other discussion (initiated by him) was why you can get condoms for nothing, but have to pay for tampons.

I just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing something. That's all.

OP posts:

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 25/07/2015 07:56

OP you sound like an AWESOME mom, he's so very lucky he can talk honestly and openly with you. Loving our children unconditionally in this world filled with so much hate is a beautiful thing!

Original poster

quickncforthisone · 25/07/2015 08:00

Thank you

OP posts:

Isetan · 25/07/2015 08:02

Last night's other discussion (initiated by him) was why you can get condoms for nothing, but have to pay for tampons.

Wow, he's 16! I feel I need to apologise to your son for likening selfish and entitled men to teenagers, which is clearly an insult to someone of his character.

It sounds like that the two of you have established the type of relationship, that doesn't require you to do much more than what you've already doing.

nooka · 25/07/2015 08:04

Sounds like you have managed the situation really well OP. We're not totally sure what dd's sexuality will ultimately be, not that it matters, but I think it's important to let them know that there's no need to choose one way or another too definitively. If they settle on boys or girls or stay interested in both all is good, so long as they have relationships with people who care about and don't hurt them. dd currently is most interested in homosexual boys - not sure what that means to be honest!

thelonggame · 25/07/2015 08:10

sounds like you are doing brilliant, the best thing we can do for our young people is to keep talking and just be there for them.

Original poster

quickncforthisone · 25/07/2015 08:20

Haha, Isetan. He has his moments, but on the whole...

He also has all the right attitudes towards sex and consent too.

OP posts:

Original poster

quickncforthisone · 25/07/2015 08:23

Absolutely, nooka

OP posts:

fuddle · 25/07/2015 09:09

I think the fact he's come out to you is the main thing. My son told me when he was 13 and then didn't want to bring it up again ! Unless I ask anything. I phoned a gay help line and got some good advice. Such as being gay will jus mean similar issues for him as a straight person and he isn't going to want to tell me everything he is getting up to, although no relationships yet

GERTI · 25/07/2015 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happywannabe · 25/07/2015 09:33

You sound great. I would only say to keep an eye on school. When ds came out there was some reaction at school and I was proactive with his form tutor just to say that we were very supportive at home and would be really fine with them discussing any problems he might have in a very open way - really just as a way of making sure all communication was as free as possible. I also think that the wider political discussions are great ways of keeping communication going - after all it is about sexual orientation in young people who may not actually want to be talking about sex to their parents - though as time has gone on we have had some of those discussions too (ds 15 but has been out for some years now).

I think things are generally much better than they were, but I have found for ds it's still been a bit of a lonely road - he was out before anyone else in his age group, for a long time the only one, and though he was very out and proud I know he found it a bit isolated/isolating. It might be different where you are (as my friends said looking round the last Pride march, "Brighton it ain't") but I have felt it was important to give him lots of versions of gayness, as a way of orienting himself but also so that he didn't feel he had to align himself with someone he didn't really like just because they were gay for example.

ScorpioMermaid · 25/07/2015 10:01

You sound like you're doing everything right already.

DHs nephew was becoming very withdrawn about 3 years ago. (15 at the time) headphones in, hood up, blocking out the world 24/7. everyone said "Oh it's just a phase, hes a teenager". I have a fair few family members that are gay and have been since before I was born so to me from being a kid it's always been a non issue. DHs family however are the opposite. I follow 'nephew' on twitter and at the time he was tweeting some dark stuff and it worried me. I always suspected he was gay from his twitter but just too afraid to come out. one night I messaged him and said "do you know what, one day you will meet the perfect guy and everything will change but in the meantime if you need anything or anyone to talk to, then I'm here for you." (or something along those lines) I kept it between myself and him with no pressure to tell anyone else until he was ready. he became so much more positive and his whole outlook changed overnight. He was worried about disappointing people bless him. I was just there as and when he needed me and I didn't let on to his parents when he did come out that I'd known for a long time. PIL were/are devastated and cried for days. made it all about them having a gay grandson and not about him being happy. hes 18 now and has been in a relationship for over a year now and hes so happy, so different to 3 years ago. you've just got to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend.. whatever you want them to be.

ScorpioMermaid · 25/07/2015 10:04

I mean whatever they want you to be. (I was doing so well until that last sentence haha!)

happywannabe · 25/07/2015 10:10

scorpio great post. I think it's important for young people to have adults they can talk to who are not their parents. Great that you were that person.

Vernazza · 25/07/2015 11:06

OP it sounds like you have handled everything thus far beautifully. The only thing I would say is don't discuss it with your friends - when he figures everything out for himself, with your loving support, coming out to whom, when and where should always be solely his decision. Let him control the feed of information - as after all, it's his life. When my DD came out, that's what I did - talked to her whenever and about whatever she wanted and let her tell who she wanted when she wanted, when she was ready.

Vernazza · 25/07/2015 11:13

I'll just clarify my previous comment - I would say don't ever discuss it with anyone unless he gives you the okay - he may, for example, want you to tell grandparents, etc.

Original poster

quickncforthisone · 25/07/2015 16:55

Hi. Thanks for the replies. scorpio, what you did for your nephew was brilliant.

wannabe yes, thanks for that. I'll keep an eye on things re school.

vernazza no, I'd never discuss it witb friends. Like I said, I have friends I could talk to who have been in his position, but I wouldn't. It's his stuff to tell, not mine.

OP posts:

HermioneWeasley · 25/07/2015 17:02

Your son sounds brilliant.

He sounds very switched on, so I assume he's aware of the rules of safe sex, but I would be asking if he knows about gay safe sex. The scene is very sex and alcohol orientated and I've seen young men really preyed on. I'd encourage him to join a LGBT youth group so he's not only socialising in bars and can go out in a bigger group.

Deeperdown · 25/07/2015 17:34

just be there for him when he needs you and when he wants to talk.

No pressing or prying well no more than you would if he had a girlfriend.

nooka · 25/07/2015 18:15

Oh I just thought of one other thing we did and that was buy lots of fiction with gay characters. Thinking about it not very many of the books we've bought were too specific for dd (few were about bisexuals) but lots of explorations about being gay or just examples of gay relationships. dd and I have always shared books becasue I really enjoy teen fiction, and again it gave us a bit of an excuse to talk about stuff. Although dd is always ready to talk about stuff really!

The last book we really liked was Openly straight

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