My son 'came out' last night. Just need some pointers :)

[quickncforthisone]

I've nc for this so that his life isn't tangled up with mine on here.

I do have people I could speak with irl, but it doesn't feel right to discuss him without his knowledge with people who know him.

A few months ago, he said that he liked girls, but thought he might like boys too. I responded as I always knew I would. It's not an issue for me on any level.

We had a brief chat about it and nothing more was said. At that stage he wasn't interested in anything more than just 'putting it out there'.

Anyway, last night he mentioned it again. He does like girls, but likes boys too. He's done the whole "could it just be a phase?" questioning.

I've given him my opinion on it (but explained that that is all it is) and he's shared his. Which seems to be fairly similar.

He doesn't seem to want to talk about it any more at the moment, but the fact he's brought it up twice a few months apart...

So basically, I don't want to end up not supporting him properly because, for me, it's not an issue.

Any pointers? TIA

His sexuality is just that, all those of us who are heterosexual never have any questioning or doubt or need to 'come out'.

He is 'normal' he is a person, he happens to have a specific sexual orientation as do we all.

I'd advise suppporting him in normalising himself as far as possible, don't tolerate discrimination and don't hide.

My daughter is transgender and identifies as lesbian btw. Just labels.

You sound like you are doing it exactly right. I'd recommend suggesting he makes an appointment at his local GUM clinic, they often have services specifically for young gay men and will be able to give him advice that you might not have thought of or that he hasn't already picked up.

He is who is is. He loves who he loves. Just be his mum and love him.

Thanks all for the comments. I'm reassred that I haven't missed anything I'm 'supposed' to do and so will carry on much a as we are. It seems to be working!

I'm bi, married to a man and usually read as straight, but I'm also much more attracted to 'generic woman' than 'generic man' IYSWIM. (Obviously wouldn't have married DH if I didn't fancy the pants off him, but I digress...)

Whilst trying to figure it all out, I came out to my mum as lesbian. I'd been dropping 'I like girls' comments into conversation for years, and she never had an issue cos I think she still assumed I'd necessarily settle down with a nice man and produce grandchildren. I was very blunt about it when I thought I was 100% gay and her response was along the lines of "you don't have to decide to be one thing rather than the other" - which given I had decided at the time was unhelpful and meant I didn't feel free to talk openly with her. She never really acknowledged my live-in girlfriend...

A very close guy friend came out to his folks at 18 and they lost their shit - forbade him to see his FWB even platonically, religioned out on him and he basically internalised the message and rescinded his sexuality. Took him another 12 years to come out, only with massive support from friends and still isn't out to family.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you are doing everything right and by not arguing with questioning his perceptions you are emphatically not being that parent that sets him up for years of self-doubt. From this queer girl - thank you for doing it right

Wow, scovilles. See I can't imagine anyone reacting like your friend's parents (I know they do, though).

He's always knows about same sex relationships because of family friends. We've always talked in terms of "when you're older and meet someone" rather than talk about GFs because you never know and we didn't want to 'other' him in his own family/home. I've never really got the 'fear' around it, tbh. The most important thing for me is that he values and respects himself, (whoever that person may be) and others.

He doesn't have any angst about it. I think he was just seeking reassurance about the 'bi' element of it more than anything. That it was ok and valid. And the fact he still likes girls doesn't mean he's mistaken about liking boys.

Yeah, they suck, huh? Totally fucked up to shame and other your own child. (Or, y'know, anyone...)

I love that you've been switched on enough to this to avoid the heteronormative language in your day to day raising of your child(ren) - I hope to emulate that one day when we have our own.

As an aside, I'm not sure which is a more pernicious assumption/stereotype: girl likes guys & girls => straight but a great kinky potential on the gf front, or guy likes guys & girls => great big gay.

Provided you're showing appropriate love / disapprobation to whomever he brings home (based on 'is this person lovely to, or a shit to, my son') and not making a point about gender, you're smashing it

My uncle was bisexual and didn't dare tell anyone in the family other than me (only younger gen-er). I'd like to think he would have been supported, but he damn well didn't trust in it enough to share.

Sorry for babbling. It's deeply personal to me and I think it's always worth telling people what they're getting oh, so right, rather than just getting pissed at the God Hates Fags brigade x

~~tumbleweed~~

Sorry for the rant, OP - hope you and your son are doing well

Haha, wasn't a rant. I read and took it all on board. Just couldn't think of an appropriate response!

Oh and yes, I know what you mean about the stereotypes.

But thanks for your support and kind words. It's good to know x

Glad I didn't have you going 'who the fuck is this crazy woman?' It's just a personal one for me so I can get a little strident at times... Hope you're both doing well - keep knocking it out of the park on the mum front; you're doing great