Tricky situation with brother and girlfriend

[PikaWho]

Not too sure if I'm posting this in the right place.

My twin brother and I have always been really close and we've always been able to tell each other anything and everything but this is a whole new situation and I don't know how to approach it.

My brother met his girlfriend three years ago, she seemed nice at first but I didn't get a chance to spend much time with her. She would come out or round to our house and would feel ill or need to leave for something early. The times I did spend with her I noticed the way she spoke to my brother was at times quite rude, mean or sometimes aggressive. She used to take any opportunity to embarrass or humiliate him. I never mentioned anything because it wasn't my place to say.

They moved to another part of the country last year. My brother had a really good job here with a few good friends and he's now self employed and doesn't have any friends where he lives. He's told me that he sometimes feels really lonely but there's no one there for him to meet up with. He seems to have really changed and is now quite withdrawn and doesn't have much confidence any more. His girlfriend has a job and from what I see in Facebook quite a few friends in the area who she sees regularly and goes out without my brother quite a bit.

A few things have happened recently that are making me want to say something to him about the situation. Something more than "how are things?"

I had a baby four months ago. My brother came to visit and was really happy to see us. He spent a few days here without girlfriend who then came to visit. She refused to hold the baby (which is fine, I know not everyone likes babies!) but then said "Ugh, I really can't stand kids. Babies are even worse, they just scream and scream. Your one mightn't cry, but it still isn't cute enough to want to hold. Why not just get a dog instead?" I was a bit hurt by this so I did bring it up with my brother and he just brushed it off with you know what she's like. I asked if they ever talked about kids and he laughed it off saying she's not interested in anything like that. Fair enough, she doesn't want kids or like them but doesn't mean she has to insult my baby!

I asked him last month when he would next be visiting and he said he wasn't sure so I asked if we could come up for a few days to see him. He got really excited about this and began to plan a whole week of things to do. The next day I got a text saying it would be best to leave coming up for a while with the baby being so young as they have just got a dog. I said I was planning on staying in a hotel so wouldn't need to be around the dog and he then said that the girlfriend will have to check work if she can get time off and he'll let me know.

Another thing that happened was my brother's old boss contacted the girlfriend on Facebook (my brother deactivated his own but I have no idea why) and asked if she would ask him to give him a call about some work he had for him. From what he said, it looked like a good opportunity and meant that he'd be back here for a few days. I asked him a few days later about it, just in passing saying that I'd seen it on Facebook and it looked good. He had no idea what I was talking about and when I went on to her page I saw that the post had been deleted.

The final thing that has really got to me is that one of our best friends from school is moving away to Australia next month. We've planned to have a surprise party for him next weekend. It will be my first night out since having the baby so really looking forward to seeing all my friends. My brother suggested we hire out a room in a pub we used to all drink in and was really looking forward to coming. He called me this morning to let me know he can't make it. His girlfriend has booked a last minute holiday with girls from work, it was a really cheap deal that she couldn't say no to, now he needs to stay at home with the dog. He said he wanted to put them in a kennel for the weekend but the girlfriend hated that idea and it caused a big fight so to make life easier he's just going to stay at home.

I couldn't even talk to him about it, so I just said that it was a shame he'd be missing out on it but we can arrange something else whenever he's next free.


I know he needs to grow a pair and stand up to her, but I'm suspecting that she's been emotionally abusing him. He is a complete shadow of his old self and seems really unhappy. He's admitted once to me that he is not happy with the relationship but can't find a way to leave her. He said she makes him feel happy and then hate himself in the space of an hour sometimes but he knows she doesn't want him to be unhappy and that she's sorry when she makes him feel this way. He also told me that she hit him once after an argument and has thrown a plate at him but he knows she was sorry and he'd done something wrong so deserved it. I think he's scared to do anything or talk to her about how unhappy he is.

We're moving to a new house that has a converted garage and he could come and stay here if he needed to get away for a while. He'd find work in no time back here and I know his old boss would love to have him back.

How can I tell him that he needs to get out of this relationship? I know if it was the other way round and someone was treating me like that, someone would have already picked up on the signs that I was in an abusive relationship. He would have came and dragged me away if he had to and I want to do the same for him.

[QforCucumber]

peonies looks like there's a lot of them out there,

what you have described is exactly how my dp's ex used to treat him, also threaten to kill herself if he left her, or say that her dad would hunt him down and make sure he never had another woman if he ever broke up with her.

It has taken a long time and a lot of work for us to be where we are now, I still get shocked after 5 years together when he mentions some of the things she would do.

waiting outside of nightclubs if he was there to make sure he didn't walk out the door with a woman, turning up at his house after he had been on a nightshift to make sure his car was there and he came home from work alone.
Baffling.

[PeoniesForAll]

Truly shocking!

[PikaWho]

Sorry for the late reply, I've not been able to log in for some reason.

So my brother spoke to her Sunday night and told her he needed to take some time away. She got really upset and told him that she would get help and try and get better, begged him to come back and said she would change for him. He said he thought she should get help anyway but at the minute he won't consider going back. She kept on calling him crying down the phone but then accepted what he'd said and left him alone.

I showed him some of the posts on here (screen shotted some good ones and told him it was someone in a similar situation) and he took photos of his eye and said he would think about going to the police.

Later on I got a lovely message off the girlfriend telling me how stupid I was for getting involved, that she would get me back and that DH can't protect me and the baby all the time.

Showed this to DB and he was mortified. He text her saying that if she contacted either of us again he would go straight to the police showing the injuries and the threat shed sent me.

Heard nothing back yet. She's still going away this weekend so we're going up to get his stuff. He told her in a mes that he would be coming to get some things in the next few days and that if anything was damaged he would go to the police with that as well as the assault and threats.

Thank you everyone for the great advice. I'm glad to see that those who have been in similar situations and loved ones in similar situations too have been able to get out and get on with their lives.

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

Good news (kind of) Pika

Perversely looking back I would not change a thing with regards to my experiences, horrid though they were. I ended up setting a much higher bar for myself in terms of my expectations in a relationship. In a nutshell I took no shit and my radar became highly effective when detecting manipulative or controlling behavior, unchecked jealousy or any other toxic behavioral traits and allowed me to run for the hills rather then put up with it.

[FaffingtonBear]

Excellent news Pika

[juneau]

That's really great news Pika. You and your DH have done a wonderful thing. Your DB is so lucky to have the two of you in his life.

I'm very glad for him too that he's got away from this dangerous woman. I hope he manages to get his belongings back safely. Are a group of you going to go with him to help him pack up and get out of there? I'm slightly concerned that she might be lying in wait for you. Are you sure she's not going to be there?

[BaguetteMaid]

Pika, well done to you and your DH for being such great support to your DB.

My DB in law had very similar issues with his wife- she mentally and physically abused him. He lost so much weight and hair and was a husk of his former self. She would threaten to hurt herself (and would do) if he ever left, but would also try to smother him in his sleep- it was truly shocking. We knew she wasn't a "nice" person but didn't know the full extent of the problem until she physically assaulted him at a family BBQ and then tried to cut herself in front of us all. I felt I was watching a horror film. It transpired she had a history of mental illness and was eventually sectioned but they're now divorced and she's doing a lot better (and so is he!)

At the time I felt so dreadful for my DB in law and the entire family, MIL was distraught.

I wish your brother lots of happiness, he sounds like a lovely guy and I'm sure he'll move on quickly. I do feel for the poor dog left with her, especially if she's feeling unstable after the breakup. X

[Hissy]

I'm so pleased to see your update! I've been wondering about you all ever since. Huge love to you all.

[19lottie82]

Pika - Well done, your DB is so lucky to have you. i'm sure everything will work out for him now he is away from that psycho and he has your support.

I'd be tempted to go to the police anyway and show them the text, chances are they will just give her a talking to and tell her to stay away, but it will show her you're not going to take any of her crap.

[lunar1]

As horrible as the message was, the more crap like that she does the less likely he is to ever go back I imagine.

[pocketsaviour]

Glad your DB is doing well OP.

Regarding her text, she really shot herself in the foot there, didn't she? Talk about showing your true colours. Did she think you wouldn't show it to him?

You might want to just call 101 and let them log it, even if no further action. Just in case she carries on with threats. Bearing in mind she has already proved to be violent.

[MythicalKings]

Thanks for the update, OP. I hope DB can sort himself out and get on with his life.

[Jaxinthebox]

So glad that your brother has you! What a piece of work this woman is. I do think that it is worth a visit to the police station and get this threat put on file. Im sure this isnt the first time that she has done this, but lets hope that it is the last.

[restie]

So pleased that your DB has found the strength etc to stand his ground. Must be fecking awful for you all. Registering text threat at the very least does sound like a good idea...love the 'kidnapping' moves of your DH and as others have said your DB is really lucky to have you both!