Tricky situation with brother and girlfriend

[PikaWho]

Not too sure if I'm posting this in the right place.

My twin brother and I have always been really close and we've always been able to tell each other anything and everything but this is a whole new situation and I don't know how to approach it.

My brother met his girlfriend three years ago, she seemed nice at first but I didn't get a chance to spend much time with her. She would come out or round to our house and would feel ill or need to leave for something early. The times I did spend with her I noticed the way she spoke to my brother was at times quite rude, mean or sometimes aggressive. She used to take any opportunity to embarrass or humiliate him. I never mentioned anything because it wasn't my place to say.

They moved to another part of the country last year. My brother had a really good job here with a few good friends and he's now self employed and doesn't have any friends where he lives. He's told me that he sometimes feels really lonely but there's no one there for him to meet up with. He seems to have really changed and is now quite withdrawn and doesn't have much confidence any more. His girlfriend has a job and from what I see in Facebook quite a few friends in the area who she sees regularly and goes out without my brother quite a bit.

A few things have happened recently that are making me want to say something to him about the situation. Something more than "how are things?"

I had a baby four months ago. My brother came to visit and was really happy to see us. He spent a few days here without girlfriend who then came to visit. She refused to hold the baby (which is fine, I know not everyone likes babies!) but then said "Ugh, I really can't stand kids. Babies are even worse, they just scream and scream. Your one mightn't cry, but it still isn't cute enough to want to hold. Why not just get a dog instead?" I was a bit hurt by this so I did bring it up with my brother and he just brushed it off with you know what she's like. I asked if they ever talked about kids and he laughed it off saying she's not interested in anything like that. Fair enough, she doesn't want kids or like them but doesn't mean she has to insult my baby!

I asked him last month when he would next be visiting and he said he wasn't sure so I asked if we could come up for a few days to see him. He got really excited about this and began to plan a whole week of things to do. The next day I got a text saying it would be best to leave coming up for a while with the baby being so young as they have just got a dog. I said I was planning on staying in a hotel so wouldn't need to be around the dog and he then said that the girlfriend will have to check work if she can get time off and he'll let me know.

Another thing that happened was my brother's old boss contacted the girlfriend on Facebook (my brother deactivated his own but I have no idea why) and asked if she would ask him to give him a call about some work he had for him. From what he said, it looked like a good opportunity and meant that he'd be back here for a few days. I asked him a few days later about it, just in passing saying that I'd seen it on Facebook and it looked good. He had no idea what I was talking about and when I went on to her page I saw that the post had been deleted.

The final thing that has really got to me is that one of our best friends from school is moving away to Australia next month. We've planned to have a surprise party for him next weekend. It will be my first night out since having the baby so really looking forward to seeing all my friends. My brother suggested we hire out a room in a pub we used to all drink in and was really looking forward to coming. He called me this morning to let me know he can't make it. His girlfriend has booked a last minute holiday with girls from work, it was a really cheap deal that she couldn't say no to, now he needs to stay at home with the dog. He said he wanted to put them in a kennel for the weekend but the girlfriend hated that idea and it caused a big fight so to make life easier he's just going to stay at home.

I couldn't even talk to him about it, so I just said that it was a shame he'd be missing out on it but we can arrange something else whenever he's next free.


I know he needs to grow a pair and stand up to her, but I'm suspecting that she's been emotionally abusing him. He is a complete shadow of his old self and seems really unhappy. He's admitted once to me that he is not happy with the relationship but can't find a way to leave her. He said she makes him feel happy and then hate himself in the space of an hour sometimes but he knows she doesn't want him to be unhappy and that she's sorry when she makes him feel this way. He also told me that she hit him once after an argument and has thrown a plate at him but he knows she was sorry and he'd done something wrong so deserved it. I think he's scared to do anything or talk to her about how unhappy he is.

We're moving to a new house that has a converted garage and he could come and stay here if he needed to get away for a while. He'd find work in no time back here and I know his old boss would love to have him back.

How can I tell him that he needs to get out of this relationship? I know if it was the other way round and someone was treating me like that, someone would have already picked up on the signs that I was in an abusive relationship. He would have came and dragged me away if he had to and I want to do the same for him.

[cheekyfunkymonkey]

Watching with interest, I know someone in this situation who has slowly withdrawn and cut contact with family and then friends.

[summerlovingliz]

Hope you manage to get him away, she sounds poisonous and he is v lucky to have a sister like you

[Edenrose206]

Go, Hissy!! Exactly. OP's DB is being abused; she may not have heard the worst of it, either!! The GF has isolated him from his family and been physically violent; I have the feeling that if we were responding to a woman in this situation no one would be posting that SHE ought to grow a pair and (wo)man up! He has disclosed some of what is going on, which means he is scared and trying to get some validation for his feelings. OP, be that safe pair of ears for your DT! He really needs you. Hopefully your DH can reach put to him and go visit...

[PikaWho]

I think plan B has sort of happened.

DH went to see him yesterday and my brother had a black eye and despite DH driving four hours to see him, my brother was reluctant to invite him in because she was home.

DH suggested they went for a drive instead and after a while he agreed. They got in the car and he just carried on driving. I got a phone call about eight o'clock from DH at services to tell me to make up the spare room.

When they got here my brother was understandably annoyed that his friend had essentially kidnapped him. He was worried what she would say when she found out where he was. We sat down with him and told him we were there to support him but we're really worried. He admitted that she gave him the black eye. They were arguing about him having to stay with the dog and she went to hit him so he pushed her back and then with her other hand she picked something up and hit him across the face with it. He said that was the first time he's been 'aggressive' with her but we told him self defence isn't aggressive.

After we had something to eat and a couple of beers he relaxed and found the whole kidnapping quite funny. He knows that DH only did it because he was worried and didn't know what to do. I asked how he reacted when he realised that DH wasn't going to stop the car and DH said he was surprisingly calm. I think he was relieved to be taken away.

We've told him to stay here as long as he wants and I've offered to go and get some things for him. As far as I know he's not spoken To girlfriend yet but I imagine that's going to be really hard. He said he knows that it's not a good relationship but he doesn't want to hurt her by breaking up over the phone. Not sure how he's going to handle it but he knows that we're here and are willing to do anything to help.

I can't believe that my husband kidnapped my brother. The two of them are currently playing mario kart in the other room and I'm almost crying hearing them both laugh.

[SnakeyMcBadass]

I'm so glad your brother has some breathing space.

[Horsemad]

Your DB is so lucky to have you and your DH

[maria543]

One of you needs to be there when he tells his girlfriend it's over. Or at least sitting in the car outside. She will do anything to make him stay you see. Actually, it might be better if he arranges to meet her somewhere neutral, like a cafe or something, with one of you sitting outside or even inside behind a newspaper, otherwise he might waver.... Your poor brother. I'm sure part of the gf is a nice person, which is what makes it so hard for your db to leave. So he will be a bit heartbroken, no matter what.

[MokunMokun]

He owes her nothing and doesn't have to see her ever again if he doesn't want to. Your husband can go up and collect his things but he really doesn't have to break things off with her face to face. Good luck! I hope he can be happy.

[Edenrose206]

Pika, wow, well done!! My hat is off to your DH for "kidnapping" your DB/T!!! I bet he was relieved to be taken away. Make sure he doesn't try to minimise her awfulness... And no way should he be left alone with her to deliver the break-up news. He does NOT have to do it in person. (What about a phone call with her? Then send DH to get his stuff?) if he insists, though, he needs a wingman to make sure she doesn't attack him again since she has now proven her ability to inflict bodily harm. Not sure what part of her is "a nice person" Maria?? Abusers are NOT "nice" people! They're dangerous!!! OP, don't let your DB go back to her; she will retaliate for sure given his recent escape... Keep him close.

[lavenderhoney]

Blimey. He certainly doesn't have to " break up" with her in the conventional sense.

Can he go with someone and collect his things when she is at work? He shouldn't be alone with her. He can repeat " I need space" til he gets out with his things. Don't leave them alone together even if he gives in and says so.

Then when he has his stuff, if he needs it, he just needs his paperwork etc really but it's all replaceable in the end. If she has an ounce of sense she will also realise being in a relationship where you think it's ok to black someone's eye is wrong for you both. There isn't a way forward for them, except apart. And he needs someone to tell him he's worth more, and it's not his fault, over and over. And she is better off without him. As he is her.

Then he should report her to the police for assault, and text her keeping the text that they are over and she mustn't contact him again, and block her. If she sparks up about the dog, ignore. Maybe he could give you his phone. And a new job- get onto this boss who said he would hire him.

[Hissy]

I

[Hissy]

Abusers ARE very good at turning on the nice. Hey are fantastic at it.

But being nice isn't natural to them, they hate themselves for it and see it as a weakness, so they can't keep it up for long, and when challenged don't ever want to have to be nice.

This is one of the reasons why they fight so hard to keep their victims done and under their control. Because of all the effort it's taken to trap them. If their victim is gone, they have to start being nice all over agin to someone else

[juneau]

LOL - I'm so pleased your DH went up and persuaded him to get in the car - even if it was to kidnap him!

I agree with what everyone says above. DON'T let him head back up there on his own to deliver the news face-to-face. If she can smash him in the face with a blunt object when they're having an argument about the dog, who the hell knows what she could do if he tries to leave her. It doesn't bear thinking about. He should stall, get his stuff out of there, meet her in a cafe and deliver the news (if he REALLY feels he has to do it in person). You and your DH should be there (or other friends/relatives, both in the cafe and in a car outside to whisk him away afterwards). Don't let him face her on his own at home. She's dangerous.

[holeinmyheart]

Wow I am impressed and pleased for both you and your brother.
I hope to goodness that he isn't persuaded to go back, as abused women often do.
It is inexplicable to anyone who has never been in the clutches of a controlling abuser, as to why anyone would tolerate this situation.
I once had a lucky escape and it was scary.
Keep us posted as to what happens.

[NotYouNaanBread]

Your DH is an amazing friend! If everyone had a friend like that the world would be a better place.

[Mini05]

He doesn't gave to feel bad!! And I bet you it's not the first time she's lashed out. He does seem rather scared of what he does around her.

I'd say talk him into staying where his true friends and family are
Place of his own he he wants it(no flat hunting) and you say easy get a job

I'd tell him to tell her by text, if he does manage to tell her face to face he may crumble!! You go collect his things for him.

[NameChange30]

So glad that your brother has you and your DH. to you all.

[MokunMokun]

How are things with your brother? Hope he is doing ok.

[lunar1]

Wow well done to your husband! I hope he doesn't decide to see her to break up, I don't think it's needed after a black eye. Hope your brother is doing ok.

[alwaysabattle]

How's your brother op? Has he ended the relationship?

[Jaxinthebox]

can you imagine if the rolls were reversed? There is no way any of us would want them to meet face to face again. Please make sure your brother doesnt go to see her - or at least not alone. I think you and your DH should go with him, get his stuff and sever all ties with this woman.

I hope your brother starts his new life with you and your family and all his friends. Sounds like he wont be long without a job and his friends are all around to support him.

[LadyPlumpington]

Your DH is amazing - I've just read this to DH and instructed him to do the same should the situation ever arise

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

Fair play to your DH

I wish I had someone like your DH on hand to sort me out when I was in an abusive relationship. I wince when I look back at how bit by bit she isolated me from friends and family. The control was never in the form of ultimatums or demands, but loaded suggestions of the 'I really don't think they are good for you' or 'they don't have your best interests at heart' variety. She was insanely jealous and any mention of me being in the company of other women (even family members) would cause huge rows and it got to the point where it was easier to turn down invites to birthdays or BBQs as it was less hassle in the long run. What I saw as being normal was anything but, I blamed myself for 'making her angry' or ended up aplogising for my failings even when it was evident she was the one in the wrong. Post relationship it took me several months to regain my confidence and see the relationship for what it was.....abusive.

I think stage 2 is to head back up there with a van and collect all his personal belongings while she is at work. Log the assault with the police then arrange a meet at neutral venue to break the 'good' news.

Do not let him be talked into giving it another go.

Also, try to refrain from calling her names or slating her in front of your DB, yes she is f*cker but even now he will still have feelings for her, distorted as they may be and will still feel duty bound to defend her despite the physical assault.

[PeoniesForAll]

You have done the right thing. She is an abuser. For your DB

[PeoniesForAll]

Also wanted to say that this happened to my DP with his ex.
She stopped him seeing his family and friends and belittled them constantly to him.
She was physically violent
She intentionally denied him sex or any sort of affection as punishment
Stopped him having any sort of social life
Told him he was going to be a shit "insert vocation here"
Told him all his troubles were his fault

And just like your DB, my DP used to defend his ex's actions when people called her out on it. But eventually he saw the light when basically he has enough.

I echo what others have said, do not criticise her but just highlight what your concerns are. He may take awhile to come around.