Husband doesn't find me attractive

[sminkypinky]

I've been feeling pretty rubbish about myself after having a baby. I was hugely overweight before falling pregnant but lost a lot of weight to get into the "normal" range and have kept it off. Recently I remembered a conversation which my husband and I had a while ago after a few drinks (so, before I fell pregnant) where I asked him if he found me attractive, his answer was "why, do you find me attractive?" which he said in a mocking tone (my answer is yes btw). I've taken this to mean that he doesn't, fair enough, I can't force him to find me attractive. I've tried everything, lost weight, toned up, even resorted to sexy underwear (which he said did nothing for him).

We've never had a very active sex life, which is something I've tried to discuss time and time again, but he just gets defensive, or says that he wants to have sex more often but nothing ever happens. I asked recently about this and he is adamant that he does find me attractive and can't remember the conversation. I don't really believe that he does to be honest, he never does/says anything that would make me think he did. I've asked him if it is anything specific that I could change, apparently there is nothing. I also asked if me wearing different clothes/make up (I don't usually wear it), or underwear would make a difference and he said no and that it doesn't matter what I'm wearing. We haven't had sex since my baby was born 6 months ago and to be honest, although I usually have a pretty high sex drive, I don't feel like I want to, while I'm feeling that he's not attracted to me.

Does anyone have any ideas how I can get past this? My husband is adamant that he loves me and doesn't want to split up. I'm not sure how to move on, knowing that nobody will want me in that way ever again (not that he ever did). I don't want to split up either, I just need help to get past this. Has anyone been through similar?

Thanks for the comments.

It's difficult for me to hear about relationships breaking up over this, I'm sorry to hear that has happened for some of you. I can completely understand why it could end up that way though. I've tried to discuss again and have got no further on, so I can't see a point in bringing it up with him again. He knows how I feel and I have explained that he can't just reel off the same answers he has been for years as they don't mean anything, but he has done just that. It's like banging my head against a brick wall. Now I feel like I'm pressuring him into something he doesn't want to, so won't be mentioning it to him again.

Lavenderhoney, I am bf so can't really get out and about to classes, I really wish I could (expressing isn't going too well). The issue has been going on since way before the baby came along. If I said no sex until October, I think he'd be very happy with that, but I don't think anything would happen in October. I think part of the issue is that the longer it is being left for, the worse I feel about it, so the less I want it iyswim. I'm thinking maybe I could give myself October as a deadline to see what happens and if I want to continue as it is or not.

Or is it a deal breaker that your husband knows that something is making you very unhappy but refuses to talk properly about it, let alone deal with it?

I'd stop talking about it and get on with your own life, build up friendships and regain self confidence, which does suffer after a baby.
Have fun, enjoy life and your baby and your relationship with dh but relax about sex for a bit.
Confidence and personality are attractive, insecurity and angst can be off putting or make a person back off some more.

We've been together 20 years

nail it!

Dont you know that lust for each other will fade gradually after two get married?

It is said that sexual appeal will only last 2 years for most of couples, this is like nature law, we cant change it.

Sure, to say only last 2 years is a genelization, everyone is different, so maybe some last several months, some more than 10 years, if you consider all the combinations.

This topic is still a taboo, because marriage is not just about sex, marriage is far beyond sex, far more complex. So not so much sex in a marriage is considered normal. if someone say this is not normal, and people begin to agree with it, then families will debacle, he whole society will be in chaos. Hence this topic is a taboo.

The marriage which solely based on sex will end miserably. For example, two love birds fall in love at the first sight, they cant wait to see each other in no time, they hold hands daily, make love like rabbits.....but after several years when the passion is faded, they begin to feel void for each other, they get nothing to stick to together, they have to find another love at first sight.

Lust is wanting to sleep with someone, what is wanting? wanting means you and him are still separated, that is, not yet secured each other, not completely owned each other.

But after two secure each other, own each other, familiar with each other, the lust will fade, becuse the wanting is over, the lust turns to sheer love,just like brothers and sisters.

In one post in this forum, one woman whines she dont fancy her husband any more due to long time marriage, I think she is selfish, she only thinks of sex, this is very narrow-minded. I can tell you, if marriage is solely based on sex, all the families in this world will end in several months to a couple of years.

At last, some advise for couples who want the lust to last longer based on the abovementioned lust-turns-to-love-law:

1. try best to make her/him feel it is hard to get you, be a little bit mysterous. Remember the lust wil over when she/he completely have you and know you inside out.

1. dont be too nice, too submisive, occasionally use refusal, just to make the other feel it is not so easy to get you. The LESS easy she/he can get you, the MORE your sexual appeal is!

1. dont hold hands too often, dont show too much affection, even you cant help it, but hold back. Keep some distance, you should let the candle burn slowly, not finish it in a splendid but short burn, if you get my picture.

1. it is the best if you two are in saparate circles, and only see each other at nights.

Speak for yourself Dave

David sorry but most of that is tosh.

Yes sexual relations between long term partners does wane - it's normal and natural.
One partners refusal to listen to and acknowledge the others dissatisfaction, hurt and pain is not.
It's not about 'just sex' or 'shagging like rabbits' In a relationship, in particular a long term one IMO - sex connects two people physically, emotionally and even chemically. It's what sets you apart from being just friends. This is natures law - it continually binds two people together in their relationship.
For me personally it's not really the physical act that I wanted. As mentioned above, my ex failed to try and cooperate to fix the issues we had but more importantly he refused to see any other way but his, regardless of my feelings. He felt it was fine FOR HIM and that was that.
No amount of playing hard to get would have worked. Christ! right before the end of our relationship I couldn't have been any more sodding mysterious, not nice and domineering - clearly it didn't do anything for him :)