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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband doesn't find me attractive

59 replies

sminkypinky · 23/07/2015 12:51

I've been feeling pretty rubbish about myself after having a baby. I was hugely overweight before falling pregnant but lost a lot of weight to get into the "normal" range and have kept it off. Recently I remembered a conversation which my husband and I had a while ago after a few drinks (so, before I fell pregnant) where I asked him if he found me attractive, his answer was "why, do you find me attractive?" which he said in a mocking tone (my answer is yes btw). I've taken this to mean that he doesn't, fair enough, I can't force him to find me attractive. I've tried everything, lost weight, toned up, even resorted to sexy underwear (which he said did nothing for him).

We've never had a very active sex life, which is something I've tried to discuss time and time again, but he just gets defensive, or says that he wants to have sex more often but nothing ever happens. I asked recently about this and he is adamant that he does find me attractive and can't remember the conversation. I don't really believe that he does to be honest, he never does/says anything that would make me think he did. I've asked him if it is anything specific that I could change, apparently there is nothing. I also asked if me wearing different clothes/make up (I don't usually wear it), or underwear would make a difference and he said no and that it doesn't matter what I'm wearing. We haven't had sex since my baby was born 6 months ago and to be honest, although I usually have a pretty high sex drive, I don't feel like I want to, while I'm feeling that he's not attracted to me.

Does anyone have any ideas how I can get past this? My husband is adamant that he loves me and doesn't want to split up. I'm not sure how to move on, knowing that nobody will want me in that way ever again (not that he ever did). I don't want to split up either, I just need help to get past this. Has anyone been through similar?

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 23/07/2015 14:25

I asked him if he found me attractive, his answer was "why, do you find me attractive?" which he said in a mocking tone (my answer is yes btw). I've taken this to mean that he doesn't

OK, so your H hasn't actually said that he doesn't find you attractive - you were drinking and he gave a silly answer when he should have said "Of course I do, don't be daft."

But you've believed that he doesn't because you're also going on his behaviour, in that he doesn't have sex with you very often.

I think your H has a low sex drive and just doesn't want sex very often. Yeah he says "Oh I do want it more" because he's got caught up in the stereotype that all men should be randy devils. It has nothing to do with your attractiveness, your weight, or what underwear you're wearing - he just doesn't want sex very often.

Whether you can accept this or not - is up to you, but it's unlikely to change; it's more likely that it will decrease even further as he gets older :(

depositdonut · 23/07/2015 14:28

Stop presuming he doesn't find you attractive when he's told you he does and has never told you he doesn't! Chronic insecurity is not attractive or helpful, but I do sympathise with you

I've heard good things about the Relate sex therapy course. Would you both do something like that?

depositdonut · 23/07/2015 14:31

HOWEVER having said that my DP reassured me on a similar thing for a few years. He then did a complete about turn and said he'd been lying to himself and me and in fact wanted to leave me.

If you think something is off, then explore the whole of your relationship, maybe couples counselling, and stop focusing on what you look like

Original poster

sminkypinky · 23/07/2015 15:02

Thanks for the comments. Some food for thought here, I think the best thing to do will be to get a sitter for a few hours so we can sit and discuss this and how to move forward.

OP posts:

Spell99 · 23/07/2015 15:42

If you solicit constant reassurance then its only a matter of time before you get a silly answer. I wouldn't read into it. Do you initiate sex, or are your efforts restricted to dressing up? If I knew the answer id be tempted to advise you to just jump his bones from time to time.

Original poster

sminkypinky · 23/07/2015 15:52

I wasn't soliciting constant reassurance, I asked once, obviously didn't bother again with the response I got. It's only recently this has been brought up again. Whenever I attempt to initiate it falls on deaf ears, so I tend to do it much less now.

OP posts:

Spell99 · 23/07/2015 16:07

FWIW I think he does love you, you wouldn't be the first couple with different sex drives. When you say deaf ears, were these subtle hints or sticking your hand down his trousers?

Original poster

sminkypinky · 23/07/2015 16:19

somewhere in the middle, generally involving some level of nudity from me. Not sure how receptive he'd be to my hand down his trousers...

OP posts:

Spell99 · 23/07/2015 16:27

Well there's only one way to find out...

You can immediately tell if its working or not too.

Original poster

sminkypinky · 23/07/2015 16:27

OP posts:

Milllii · 23/07/2015 18:57

It seems like you have lost the passion you once had. You said your like friends which isn't the best place to be so getting a sitter and making time to talk would be a step in the right direction. As it is now it sounds like he loves you but you want him to be in love with you too .

Twinklestein · 23/07/2015 22:25

It sounds like he's got a low libido, which you interpret as him not fancying you as you have low self esteem.

He's said nothing about not finding you attractive at all.

SelfLoathing · 23/07/2015 22:58

We haven't had sex since my baby was born 6 months ago

Not to get overly psychoanalytical about it - but this is your child with the man you are referring to in you OP right?

Interesting language then that you'd refer to "my baby" rather than "our baby/child".

Is there some underlying issue here? And is this maybe being conveyed to him and turning him off?

Sorry if barking up wrong tree - but just offering it for consideration.

Original poster

sminkypinky · 23/07/2015 23:06

Yes the baby is his. Not sure why I put that, probably sleep deprivation to be honest.

OP posts:

pallasathena · 24/07/2015 09:50

Men find confident women sexy I've been told.

As you're coming over a bit 'needy' suggest you focus on building up some self esteem for yourself and not looking to your hubby to provide it for you.

You can sort this out by becoming more cheerful, optimistic and happy in your own skin. Try counting your blessings. He does sound like a lovely bloke from what you've said.

StaceyAndTracey · 24/07/2015 10:00

Really ? I don't think she comes over as " needy "

Isnit normal to want a sexual relationship with your partner ?

I agree with the poster who said it not you, it's him . Has he been to the do it to have a check up ? Some medical conditions can cause low libido

Does he use a lot of porn ?

Original poster

sminkypinky · 24/07/2015 11:44

We had a chat about it last night and his answers were still the same, that he does want to have more sex. I don't think that he'd go to the Dr as he doesn't think he has a problem.

Re the porn use, it is something I've often wondered about, but I don't think he does, although I know a lot of men do and hide it so I can't be 100%

OP posts:

beaglesaresweet · 25/07/2015 00:08

OP, but did you not ask him WHY isn't he initiating any sex at all if he says he wants more of it? I just don't like his 'gaslightling', he knows full well his actions contradict his words. I think you've been amazingly patient!

Original poster

sminkypinky · 25/07/2015 00:39

I did ask that he just said that he has done in the past (which is true but not very often). The conversations just go round in circles. I think it's something I'm just going to have to live with.

OP posts:

CarbeDiem · 25/07/2015 01:25

I really feel for you OP.

I tried living with pretty much the same situation (and the same excuses and lip service when I brought it up for the seventy millionth time and the gaslighting AND the refusal to get help)
Yes, I do have some minor issues of my own (body) he swore blind and still does that it wasn't/isn't to do with my levels of attractiveness.
The longer it went on the more confidence I lost, then self respect until it ended up really badly affecting me. To be honest, I have to say that his with holding sex/intimacy felt like a punishment at times.
It became soul destroying and I began to detach from him. Like you, I stopped wanting sexual contact and the odd time we did afterwards it felt uncomfortable and not enjoyable. What we'd had before just wasn't there any more and it's difficult, if not impossible to get it back when you're working on it alone.
I ended it and left him because I wasn't prepared to feel and live like that any more. Luckily no children between us.

He NOW realises and is sorry for what he done - sadly too late.
Like I told him - unless there is a medical issue or indeed any other genuine reason where BOTH partners agree and are happy to have relationship with very little or no sex then it's not right or fair that one partner gets to decide and enforce their choices on the other. Of course that doesn't mean one partner should feel forced to perform, by no means.

Isetan · 25/07/2015 07:18

No I don't think you should just live with it, you have been living with it and look where that's brought you.

I have no idea why he doesn't want more sex and he might not know either but placating you with empty promises isn't honest or respectful. There's obviously something and in the absence of any willingness to discuss the possibilities your mind has filled in the blanks. It's difficult for you to access the truthfulness of his 'Yes, I am attracted to you' statements because of his history placating and avoiding discussion.

I think this has nothing to do with your attractiveness but totally understand why you have come to that conclusion. If lack of attraction was the 'problem' then you could be (and have been) proactive about changing things, which is infinitely more productictive than his passive reaction.

His empty promises and the lack of productive discussion is damaging your relationship and now is the time to be proactive, before you reach the point where it no longer would make a difference. Your OH is content with the status quo and your unhappiness is not an obvious enough of a motivation for him to change.

If you want different then you need to do different; stop accepting his bullshit and start making it explicitly clear that you won't tolerate the status quo. He can either join you in moving forward in finding mutually acceptable solutions, or he can be left behind - self interest is a great motivator.

whatisforteamum · 25/07/2015 19:11

my Dh took antidepressants and they robbed him of his sex drive and caused ED (all reversable0 in a few weeks.Also you have a small baby which can take alot of time and energy maybe he is exhausted.Has the fun gone out of sex for him as you said it was performed to concieve a baby just a thought.I hope you can work this out.

alongcamespiders · 25/07/2015 22:41

My husband was the same. It was soul destroying . In my case it turned out he was massively into porn. He's now my ex husband.

lavenderhoney · 25/07/2015 23:00

I think you're being incredibly hard on yourself tbh. A CS, debriefing, Pnd rearing its head, new baby- which he sounds, as you haven't moaned:) been great throughout.

I think it's very soon, to bounce into an active sex life, especially if he and you weren't that active before and were very happy with peaks and troughs and already together so long.

Perhaps you could relax a bit, and I mean this is nicest way- just enjoy being new parents, are you bf? Of not can you get to the gym or classes? To have some time, feel better, and not worry? Do you have any new mum friends?

You could book a night out, say October, or find a special occasion and together discuss it all and say no pressure, we can't have sex before this date, and enjoy the build up?

LittleChinaPig · 26/07/2015 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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