again !!!!

[shaniatwain]

I've been seeing a man for ten weeks now. He was the one who chased me think presents , meals etc load of compliments .. All goi g well he met my daughter who is five.. All good no problems but he has a daughter and a son that he didn't introduce me too.. I didn't push it as he only see s then every second weekend ...this in itself not an issue but he didn't want to see me this evening said he was too tired .. Fine then I said what about the weekend? Fri and guess what he had plans maybe .. Just feel that he is pulling away . I am right aren't i ...

After 10 weeks you sound far too needy. Maybe you aren't ready for dating yet.

Gosh, way too many games. You're in your 40s - so do just enjoy it for what it is.

Meeting his kids is entirely up to him. You don't know what's happened before and you need to trust his judgement on what's right for his family.

You are dating a man with children: you will never be on the top of his priority list, and neither should you be.

I'm not game playing !!!!
The facts are he was all lovely, v keen, presents , cuddles etc.
I felt the same !
I introduced him to daughter. Let him in to our lives as I have daughter most of the time.
No one is game playing...
Lately I feel he is too sex based all messages are involving sex.
No plans to even meet his children for an hour.. Despite me mentioning it. Didn't want to push it. But feel it is time..
Then him blowing me out on fri eve for mates. This is early days ! So I reckon I should pull back. This is not me playing games this is me protecting myself
I do hope you are never in such a position carin ha.. As its not nice at all...

I know I won't be too of his priorities. He won't be mine either !
Yes I should probably say I feel he doesn't quite feel the same as me... And maybe he is not quite what I am looking for ...
But believe me I'm not game playing. This is my life and I would really like to have a nice loving relationship ...

Of course I've been in a position of having had the initial rush, then realise a man has gone quiet on me.
I'm a similar age to you.
Yeah, it hurts.
Last happened to me in 2013 - actually, it was almost exactly 2 years ago.
Went from daily texts to 3 days of nothing, even after I asked a direct question about meeting that weekend. He did have a LOT on that week, but still: daily to nothing, and it takes seconds to text.

Did I play games? Going quiet on him in return?

No. I texted "hey, you've gone from texting every day to disappearing on me - that's never a good sign - I guess you don't want to take this any further?"

Reply "I'm sorry, I don't have time right now and it's not fair on either of us, you're right, I can't commit to a relationship and give you what you deserve. You're great, it's not the right time for me"

All flannel if course he just wasn't that into me.

But better to just get it out there than faff about being quiet on him back and getting upset.

Frankly, "no way us he dumping me" is for a 14yo not a 40yo.

If you're not happy with how you're feeling, TALK to him.

Anything other than just talking about it is playing games.

so him being so incredibly full on and keen at the beginning with lots of presents didn't ring any alarm bells for you?

Did he blow you out for his mates?
Your previous posts didn't make that clear - I thought you asked him out but he already had plans with his mates?
Of course he should see his mates too.

Presents are meaningless show. I hate that there is this stupid perception that if a man gives you a bloody Tatty Teddy or whatever, that they are serious about you. Why do we buy (literally) this materialistic lazy crap?
Keep your perfume, your flowers, your money on meals. I'm not for sale.

Send me a link to an article you read that you knew would interest me / make me laugh - you're in!

After 10 weeks, maybe 8 to 12 dates, if somebody started to having deep talks about the future I would be running for the hills. I would think it that amount of time he would not know the full me and was on interested in his version of me.

OP you are behaving needy. You are setting yourself up to jump on any crumbs he gives you now because you'll preceive them as a great show of affection. The guy is or was (rightly) enjoying the newness of this relationship - the sex and the chemistry. The present buying and compliments are part of the chase experience for him, nothing wrong with that. That doesn't mean he wants to raise your daughter or make a life with you yet, how can he possibly know?? You have to chill out and let things unfold and evolve naturally! Being hurt before is not an excuse to force your next relationship believe me - you will only sabotage it as you seemingly have. So go quiet now because that's the only option you have, but ffs if you continue together next time he is tired or wants some space,that's ok, this is exactly the part you become a prospect of a partner - your emotional maturity levels dictate everything here. You are in your 40's not teens so yes you should be looking to settle down if that's what you want - so SETTLE DOWN , relax and stop with the overreactions. Seriously. I'm talking from experience here. I'm happily with someone for almost a year now (I'm early 40's he's late 30's) - I made myself chill the f* out with this one and always believe his intentions were good and they were and were mine and we are very happy and settled. Its your mind set that needs to be reset.

Also you say you didn't want to push meeting his children 'but feel it it time' ....That's his call not yours. To be in a nice lovely relationship you have to relinquish control and let the other person be who they are and do things at the pace they are comfortable with. In fact. The odd whirlwind romance aside...the slower but steadier a man takes it would indicate to me the more serious he is as he's incrementally investing more of himself bit my bit. You say he's not quite what you want...so why are you trying to pin him down then? Let him go and go and meet the one and when you do, same rules apply.. RELAX!

Okay some good points here..
Yes I think I may be a bit insecure re this but I have held back but it just seems that when you are spending time and sleeping with someone you like then naturally feelings do develop.. In a way I wish they didn't for me as hate not being sure re the other person..
I will just continue living my life, making plans that don't include him. I am happy to see him of course but only after me saying look this feels sex based and what is it you actually want ?
It may well be he just isn't that into me ???? of course and I have to accept that but at the same time I need to get a grip and fill my life with other things I think..

And I am letting him go I am not even texting back at the moment ... If he wants to go he can go !!

Honestly Shania I totally get it...I've been through all the same emotions as you when we were a couple of months in. I had to tell myself to get a grip and just remember this individual has a life of his own too that he's deciding whetherhes going to merge it with mine further....That's a big decision that shouldn't be rushed - for him or me. Just take a deep breath everytime that insecurity raises its head...and remember everything you have to offer. You don't have to spell it out, force it down his throat, or withdraw it even to make him notice what a catch you are...Just believe it yourself and the way you project that will put him and you at so much ease. If he's not the one that's ok, he isn't at fault and nor are you. Just enjoy the sex and companionship for what it is. Trust and intimacy take time to build. He knows your a sex goddess ha! Now quietly show him the emotionally beautiful and level headed person you are too - we all want a relationship with someone with their shit together don't we? Be that woman

Yes I will settle down ????..

Of course you're going to develop feelings, that's the point.
It's not a bad thing.

But it still comes across like playing games "I'm not texting back" / "if he wants to go he can".

I think it can be perfectly natural to be very sex based in the beginning, and I also think it's normal for an intense start to slow down (frankly if I spent as much time now texting my bf from work as I did the first week, I'd be sacked!).

Just arrange your next date, and tell him during that, that you want to know what he's looking for. Not - is he committed to you for life, right now. Just - what does he want right now. I do NOT assume that a trinket or meeting his kids is a real show of commitment.

Three fishy wise words indeed ! But I am glad you get what I am trying to say and feeling.. We are humans with flaws ????

It's a good place to vent here ????????

And thank you to all who have taken the time to reply to me ????

I think cancelling because he is tired says it all. At this stage, he should be desperate to see you any time he can.

I agree re not meeting the children too soon but I have done it myself when someone seems right and it is easier logistically.

Ime, this is so common. The guy is all over you at first, you are cautious, then just when you start to relax, reality strikes and they pull back.

I get it too. Totally. Been there. Looking back i can see that it was all to do with my neediness with entirely unsuitable types. The last time was very much like you describe, he was very full on, did all the chasing, i held back until i felt sure. As soon as i began reciprocating, behaving as he was, showing i was as keen as he was, he backed right off and it totally floored me. I couldn't be myself then, i felt like each text was part of a game that i wasn't very sure of the rules of and it did my head in.

Eventually i contacted him saying i could see he was cooling off and i'd rather he was straight with me, he ended it then.
I wish i'd taken charge myself and ended it rather than asking him to. Basically his behaviour was shitty and showed that my feeling were not worthy of his care. I wish i'd told him what was happening rather than asking him to decide.

Pay close attention to how people treat you, neediness aside, lack of consideration is a very unattractive trait.

I don't think his wanting to do other things or interest in sex are bad things on their own, but if he can't be considerate, it may be time to walk away.

All or nothing girl here !

No deep talks about his feelings and the future. I know its early days but we are both in our forties ! So really we should know what we want.

I just wanted to be introduced even for a few hours as it shows he is/was equally serious about me....

Wow, I think you should cool it before you put him off completely!

As for introducing him to your 5 year old daughter, this was way too early IMO.

Slow down a bit or you'll come across as desperate!

I think those of you who say don't introduce him to your kids are being a bit unrealistic. If someone has no family support and their ex doesn't have the children often, then it's inevitable that the children will meet men earlier.

OP, I think the fact that the texts are just about sex should tell you a lot about him.

You can't be blamed for introducing your daughter IMHO. You thought he was fond of you and you had good reason to think this. Not sure if he's backing off. I'd just be patient and wait and see what happens. Though that's easier said than done and I'm about the most impatient person on this earth. Hope things work out.

I think cancelling because he is tired says it all. At this stage, he should be desperate to see you any time he can.

I completely disagree with this.

I've cancelled dates because I was too tired. I don't want someone to waste a free evening by spending it with me if I'm not really 'there' because I'm shattered. I don't want too struggle if I'm tired and half asleep and I'd rather get a good night's sleep and know that they'd had a good night out with their friends instead.

Perhaps that's where I'm going wrong...