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Relationships

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Original poster

Was anyone else taken in by their DH/DP's promises?

42 replies

maryhada · 21/11/2006 11:38

DH and I have been married for 6 years. Before we were married he seemed really amitious career-wise and said that he would do well with his business and we would have a lovely house, children at independent school and that I would be able to stay at home when we had a family.
Since we got married things have really changed. None of what he promised has come about, in fact we can't afford to pay the mortgage on the house we have got. When I mention this, he just says how glad that he has a business that allows him to spend so much time at home with me and dd. When he's not at work he spends most of his time sitting in front of the television. He doesn't like his work but when I ask why he doesn't explore one or other of the business ideas he used to talk about all the time he just says that it won't work because of x, y or z and that's the end of it. I now feel that I have to take responsibility for earning the money for the family because he no longer seems to care.
I know that you don't marry someone just for the lifestyle you believe they will provide, but I do feel disappointed and a bit tricked because he promised so much, delivered so little and seems so unconcerned about this. Did anyone elese's DH /DP fail to deliver what they'd promised, or is it just me being unfair?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/11/2006 11:44

Well, you asked.

It's you being unfair.

You want all that stuff? Get up and go and get it!

What's stopping you? B/c it's hard work and you'd rather someone else do it?

Life's tough!

I was always brought up to rely on myself for my own happiness, and it's done me the world of good.

If I want a house and all that stuff, I go get them.

I'm on the way.

It's a slow boat to China, but so? How old will I be if I don't do it?

Why should I be exempted from hard graft?

C'est la vie!

bluejelly · 21/11/2006 11:48

Do you think he has deliberately let you down or that his priorities have simply changed after having kids?

Original poster

maryhada · 21/11/2006 11:49

But I do do it. I don't expect him to do it all -I work considerably longer hours, work in a more stressful environment and earn more than he does. Perhaps that's why I feel resentful when he spends so much time in front of the tv. I don't expect him to do it all.

OP posts:

Avalon · 21/11/2006 11:49

Could he be depressed? Or feel overwhelmed by responsibility?

HappyDaddy · 21/11/2006 11:49

Fail to deliver on their promises?

Jesus woman, I hope you promised to be miserable, lazy and expect everything to be handed to you. Otherwise you've broken your promise too.

You married a lifestyle instead of a person?

Jesus.

bluejelly · 21/11/2006 11:50

Maybe you should talk to him about watching less tele and start going out together a bit more

Original poster

maryhada · 21/11/2006 11:51

Why does everyone think that I don't pull my weight?

OP posts:

oliveoil · 21/11/2006 11:51

Do you think he could be depressed? He sounds very unmotivated (watching tv etc).

I think it great that he can see so much of his family but I think you need to sit down and talk this through properly, tell each other how you feel.

But a big house and independent school would be at the bottom of my list I have to say.

HuwEdwards · 21/11/2006 11:52

expat has it on the nail.

You are an adult. It's your life, your happiness and your responsibility. You can't expect any other human being to be responsible for all that.

I don't even instill those expectations into my kids, never mind another adult.

fannyannie · 21/11/2006 11:52

perhaps because you seem to be moaning about what he hoped to be able to give his family, but life hasn't let him.....

oliveoil · 21/11/2006 11:53

can everyone stop attacking please fgs?

she hasn't said she is lazy, just disappointed!

No wonder I stick to Chat and Style and guff if this is what happens on the meaty threads!

Harrumph.

expatinscotland · 21/11/2006 11:55

No one's attacking.

She asked, 'Am I being unfair?'

Well, IMO, yes.

If you don't want peoples' opinions, don't ask for them!

Original poster

maryhada · 21/11/2006 11:55

Thanks, olive oil, I had been hoping for some measured responses that might help me come to terms with this rather than the personal attacks that people seem to be making on the basis of the small amount of info that I've given them.

OP posts:

oliveoil · 21/11/2006 11:56

well I think you jumped down her throat tbh

there are ways of getting your opinion across rather than being so abrupt

I am off to M&S to look at clothes

fannyannie · 21/11/2006 11:57

yes - and we're questioning why she's disappointed because her DH/DP has 'failed to deliver' on those ambitious dreams that many people have.

I was supposed to be a full time mum too, living without debt blah blah blah - but I'm not - I work part time (night shifts) and we struggle to pay the bills. DH hoped for many of those things listed above too - and nearly had us declared bankrupt in the process of trying to acheive them - but I don't see any reason to complain.

expatinscotland · 21/11/2006 11:57

Define 'measured response'? Agreement that he didn't 'deliver'?

Honestly, you asked 'am I being unfair' in the OP, no mention of the hours you worked, etc.

So people took you at your word.

dinosaur · 21/11/2006 11:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HappyDaddy · 21/11/2006 11:57

Maryhada, we can ONLY give opinion using the info you give. We can't read your mind, I'm afraid.

Sorry if i was a little OTT, you did sound as though you had married purely for the lifestyle.

Plenty of people hate their jobs but are used to the security. Better the devil you know, and all that.

expatinscotland · 21/11/2006 11:58

Jumping down someone's throat for stating that if you want those things, go and get them and why not you?

K. Whatever.

My husband promised to love, honour and cherish me and stay w/me for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health.

And he did.

All the material stuff is just an aside.

Original poster

maryhada · 21/11/2006 11:59

Bluejelly, I think you may have made a good point. He seems content with a different life now. I'm glad to know that what I am and the effort I make for our family makes him happy despite what some of the other mnetters think of me.

OP posts:

fannyannie · 21/11/2006 11:59

oh yes expat the number of times in the last 7yrs DH and I have reminded ourselves of those part of the wedding vows.

expatinscotland · 21/11/2006 12:00

Too right, HD!

KezzaG · 21/11/2006 12:01

To give the benefit of the doubt, maybe the way you have worded your OP has made you sound like you are moaning too much.

If you work hard but are struggling to pay the mortgage I think you have a right to be annoyed if you feel dh is not pulling his weight. this has nothing to do with anything he promised before you were married, just a fact of life, you should be able to work together to keep your house.

I would also be annoyed if my dh and I had agreed that I could be a SAHM and then he changed his mind because he could not be bothered to make his business work. big difference between not being bothered or things genuinely not working out as he had planned them.

Is he happy? It does sound like he could be depressed. Maybe he is as unhappy as you are with the way things have worked out?

If you make him feel like he has let you down he may be quite unlikely to talk to you about it.

lockets · 21/11/2006 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

maryhada · 21/11/2006 12:04

Expat, it simply wouldn't have occurred to me to ask the question if I didn't feel that I was at, the very least, pulling my weight. It's also a periferal issue in the marriage. I don't norally post because on the whole I don't have anything major to complain about.

I was interested in other people's opinions and by 'measured response', I meant something rather more thought through that examined the issues from different angles that might actually be helpful rather than judgemental or inflammatory.

OP posts:

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