DH feels like I am too critical of him

[SleepShake]

DH feels like I criticise him too much. I do criticise him when I feel he is in the wrong, but the truth is he very very rarely criticises me (a) I just don't think it's in his nature to do so and b) I very rarely upset him).

He on the other hand ends up doing things to annoy me and I think I lost a lot of confidence and respect of him when he wasn't there for me when I was going through a very turbulent time.

Sometimes it's small things like taking 1.5 hours in the shower when he knows we are running late.

We are currently going through couples counselling but I'm just wondering how can I stop being so critical of him? Especially when I am upset. I don't think it's helping our relationship.

Thanks!

Agree with OTheHugeManatee.

OTheHugeManatee You posted asking how you can be less critical and instead have been whipped up into a heightened state of resentment and are now composing detailed emails with further criticisms about his behaviour. If your DH is already defensive and resentful of your criticism I somehow don't think adding to it in email form is going to make him more receptive to your viewpoint.

That was basically what the marriage guidance councillor said to me. However after 3 sessions, I reached a point where I was hacked off with the pair of them because I thought I was reacting perfectly rationally to DH's behaviour. This was actually backed up by friends, including joint friends. It caused a lot of resentment in me.

DH had a whale of a time at the counselling, as all his weaknesses and failings were indulged and I was supposed just to accept having my life disrupted by his poor time keeping and lack of organisation, and inability to consider anyone else or the consequences of his actions. His behaviour worsened, he became sort of childish and a bit excitable, and he became utterly intolerable because he would say the counsellor had said that no matter what he did, he mustn't be criticised.

I remember actually saying to the counsellor in the third session, "you do know that DH is not the only one who can walk out on this marriage, don't you? I'm beginning to question what I'm getting out of it". And the response was more placatory stuff about enjoying the small things and spending time together without pressure to be places, because DH was feeling really negative about it, and I should do this and that, and basically change my whole personality and never admit to being annoyed or unhappy. I actually turned around to her and said "I'm a good looking woman, with a good job, and I don't have to do this stuff just to have a relationship" and she said "It doesn't matter".

The resentment festered and after a few months, I left DH. Only then did he improve his behaviour and while he is prone to lapses, he is now like a totally different person. I think that particular marriage guidance counsellor belonged in the 1940s or 50s, and I'm not sure I agree that saving marriages at all costs is particularly good for anyone's sanity or personal happiness.

Breaking the pattern is what I would hope a good counsellor can help with OTheHugeManatee. The reproachful ticking off backfires, I am sure OP realises she gets nowhere with DH by rising to the bait. My reason for asking if he's always been casual about the time keeping was to see if it's an ingrained habit. Maybe early on for some reason it was an annoyance OP was prepared to overlook.

Good luck SleepShake.

SleepShake does say the epic shower is a "small" thing though. I'm not in favour of criticising people but I did wonder if she is not really criticising but more speaking up when he lets her down.

[shocked] at the poster whose partner thought she had "looked at him funny". how weird is that!

I do honestly think there such a thing as being too tolerant of someone's crazy behaviour. In my world, that wouldn't include criticism because if I felt the need to criticise, i'd be off anyway!

I know I am not criticizing unreasonably. I am speaking up for his selfish behavior which is impacting negatively.

Just because I don't give him a reason to criticize me doesn't mean I have no right to speak up for myself.

There are different manifestations of criticism in a relationship.

Criticism can be used as a tool to control, belittle, undermine etc. Many emotionally abusive men are hypercritical as facet of control and domination.

In other scenarios a person can behave unacceptably and their partner has to pick them up on it or 'nag' relentlessly.

Imo this thread falls into the latter category. The root problem here is the selfish and entitled behaviour of the OP's partner. The criticism is a reaction to his irresponsible or intentionally antisocial behaviour, it's a secondary response not the primary issue. It is only being made into an issue by a man who wants to avoid addressing his won behaviour.

So Grays, I'm sorry to hear of your experience, but I think you're talking about a completely different scenario.

Chandler your counsellor was an imbecile. She sounds like a surrendered wife holding up a patriarchal marriage structure.

I don't know how you sat through 3 sessions of it.

I don't think Manatee's post is more balanced actually, I think it's simply more imbalanced in favour of DH, and doesn't really grasp the destructive impact of his behaviour. It takes at face value the assertion by the OP that she's being 'critical', without evaluating adequately the context in which this accusation has been made by her husband.

I've no doubt the OP has her faults, I've no doubt she may find better ways to manage her reaction to DH's behaviour. But DH is behaving in a way that makes family life difficult if not impossible to manage and would do for anyone:

This is exactly how I have been dealing with it until now. Just getting on with life/trips without him. But its a rollercoaster because sometimes he wants to be involved and is involved and other times he promises to be involved and then doesn't turn up or comes up with work/some excuse. Its frustrating to never know whether he will fulfill a promise or not (or even live up to his responsibility). Its frustrating to not be able to rely on him because there's a 50% chance he might let you down. It is a bit like being on the edge, because he is there, he says he wants you to rely on him, but you can't

This is not 'normal' behaviour, anyone would struggle with to make a relationship work with partner who behaved like this. He's very selfish and he's not working in a team. More than that he's constantly wrong-footing the OP, so she feels there is no solid foundation beneath her feet.

This is a method of control.

If he behaved like that at work he'd be fired, because you cannot work with someone who can't rely on.

At home, he can get away with it. Thus far he has been successful in deflcting any attempts by the OP to address his behaviour by counter-criticising her. She goes away and examines her own approach, thus the spotlight shifts off him, he gets to carry on his patterns regardless of the impact on her and the family.

Could just be that you are completely mismatched, you moan, nag because he wont or cant do the things you expect, he doesn't moan or nag you because he doesn't really care about the things you care about.

It wont get better, or it might if you stick to your guns and he eventually gets a light bulb moment, otherwise it will just continue, it will drain all the life out of you in the end I'm afraid.

even if it isn't a method of control, it's not behaviour that anyone should have to live with. I do think that lack of consideration can be literally just that - not someone plotting to be annoying but they can't factor in other people. I have to be honest and say I don't care what the reasons are - if you can't factor in other people, you can't be in my life.

I wouldn't be surprised if OP reaches the same conclusion.

I feel sorry for you OP and i know how it feels to live with someone who has bad time keeping or consideration for others.I usually dont do many things with him however our DD will remark how she missed a bus or was late for a gig due to him and it drives her crazy now.
This eve i told him if he had a bath i would do his tea as he smelt of oil and i thought while im off work it would be nice.He appears in the lounge with just a dressing gown when i asked if he had boxers or pj bottoms on he said no.We ve had this row loads as we live in an open plan house with a path outside and have 2 teenagers.
He thinks im snobby im not but i would put something under a dressing gown the dcs think its awful i mean he is in his 50s and should know better.
Some people cant see things through others eyes...mostly ive given up trying to change him and i think you will realise this too.I agree ive gone out without mine if he takes ages to get ready or has a lie in life is too short!! For the most part i have lost respect for him though.

Let me get this straight. Your partner is selfish, self-absorbed, unreliable, and passive aggressive. If you tell him something has upset you, he accuses you of being "too critical". What's more, you've said yourself that he won't change:
"deep down I know he doesn't want to change and he won't change."

SO WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS AWFUL MAN?!

Even if he was a billionaire with amazing looks and sparkling wit (which I doubt he is) you should still LTB.

AnotherEmma,

Because I have a child with him and want to give him one final chance to fix things, and prove me wrong.

One final chance? Does that mean he's had chances before?

Hope I'm not being harsh. But I think sometimes these things need to be said. I don't think he is going to fix things (you said yourself you know he won't change) but I also understand that you want to wait and see. Please don't leave it too long though.

AnotherEmma, yes he has had but for a slightly different issue. Wish me luck please.

What was the other issue?

I do wish you well - whether it's with or without him.

Do you have the option for one-to-one sessions with your couple's counsellor? If not could you get some separate counselling just for yourself? I'm thinking that might help you find some clarity and support.

Thanks another, I shall consider that.