DH feels like I am too critical of him

[SleepShake]

DH feels like I criticise him too much. I do criticise him when I feel he is in the wrong, but the truth is he very very rarely criticises me (a) I just don't think it's in his nature to do so and b) I very rarely upset him).

He on the other hand ends up doing things to annoy me and I think I lost a lot of confidence and respect of him when he wasn't there for me when I was going through a very turbulent time.

Sometimes it's small things like taking 1.5 hours in the shower when he knows we are running late.

We are currently going through couples counselling but I'm just wondering how can I stop being so critical of him? Especially when I am upset. I don't think it's helping our relationship.

Thanks!

I don't shout by the way, I get heated up, which to him is shouting (he is always calm and non emotional). Thanks for listening donkey.

I expect his response at being shown an article detailing passive aggression would be flat out denial or a counter claim, "You're the one being passive aggressive!"

It is interesting he should tell you to stop shouting even if you are not raising your voice.

True, I suspect he will turn it on me. What's the best way to deal with this in your opinion?

I want him to know and make it clear that I recognize his bullshit treatment of me through his passive aggressive behavior, I have a name for it, and I am not going to stand for it anymore.

This really reminds me of my first marriage. :(

Can you leave? You've lost all respect and love for him, and are having to go through counselling, emailing him, etc... I think it's over.

Have you ever read an interview with a sleb who is described as Incredibly lovely' 'a real girl's girl' etc while also mentioning that she has a terrible manager, or a real bitch of a publicist, who constantly shouts and makes rules and demands?

In your relationship, he is being soooooo lovely and you are being landed with the shitwork and always being 'angry'. I know it's taboo on mumsnet because it can be used to victim-blame, but there is no doubt at all that people can choose to behave in ways that are effectively angry, provoking their partner to react, while preserving their view of themselves as blameless, laid back etc.

It is telling that all these passive actions are about withdrawing from you and from family life. I would say I'm afraid that he is currently permanently furious with you, or with life. I am not sure what the answer is. You could stay calm and refuse to get involved with 'telling him off' (fairly pointless with children, never mind adults) but just do things without him, except he may regard that as an excuse to bugger off and inform all and sundry that he could no longer live with your anger and coldness. You could ask him why he isn't being honest about not wanting to be at home. You could describe his actions to him. You could stick to the classic counselling thing of describing your feelings only ' when you spend 90 minutes I the shower and refuse to acknowledge that it is abnormal I feel scared, humiliated and as if I'mthe crazy one'. I don't really know if he is able to be honest with you.

You have every right to talk about things that upset you if you do so in a calm respectful manner. He probably won't like it but that's because people don't like to have their bad behaviour highlighted. So never apologize for that. It's your right.

But if you've never been respectful in the past you can't expect changes from him right away. Keep working on yourself, it really is a nice feeling being an adult who approaches problems calmly and respectfully (says a former drama queen).

Have you considered that maybe your criticism of him is actually justified? You've mentioned his flaws but you sound almost apologetic for his unkindness. Don't apologise for him, he's a grown up and is responsible for his actions. You sound focussed a lot on DP, but you cannot change him. You can only change yourself - your wishes, hopes, mindset and behaviour.
Consider yourself for a moment and ask yourself honestly, how would you really like to be treated e.g. with kindness, sensitivity, a sense of humour, with respect, being accepted just as you are (both positive & negative qualities)? Counselling is a great chance for you to be direct and tell him/the counsellor what you want and expect and ask whether he's prepared/willing to change his behaviour to you. Don't put up with other people laying their crap on you - you deserve to be respected! Be prepared to face comments about yourself, but so what? If you really don't like something about yourself, that can be a good motivator to change if you want to. Honest discussions won't kill you and you both have everything to gain. Get your counsellor involved, that's what they do, and bring it all out into the open while you have the chance. Be brave!

annadale:

but just do things without him.

This is exactly how I have been dealing with it until now. Just getting on with life/trips without him. But its a rollercoaster because sometimes he wants to be involved and is involved and other times he promises to be involved and then doesn't turn up or comes up with work/some excuse. Its frustrating to never know whether he will fulfill a promise or not (or even live up to his responsibility). Its frustrating to not be able to rely on him because there's a 50% chance he might let you down. It is a bit like being on the edge, because he is there, he says he wants you to rely on him, but you can't. Other than that though, he is great. He doesn't expect much from me, lets me get on with my life and is generous with his money.

We are going through counselling and I am hoping that it will help a little, but deep down I know he doesn't want to change and he won't change. I am either going to have to stop relying on him (which I am already doing) or break up with him.

When you first got together did he have trouble sticking to arrangements, keep you waiting at a rendezvous or when picking you up, cancelling at the last minute?

I would address the passive aggression in counselling. If you do it whilst you're alone he will simply make out you're the PA one or tell you to stop shouting when you're not, or any of the hundred other PA techniques he has to control your behaviour. I would say you feel he is behaving in a passive aggressive way (and take a definition with you to read out). Ask the counsellor to lead the subsequent discussion so that he doesn't feel it is you out to criticise him.

Ultimately if you can't rely on him you don't have a partnership. I think it's fine to say for social things 'you say you want to be involved but I can't rely on you, so make your own way there' or whatever, so you can get on on with doing your own thing, but really, ultimately what's the point? I think even having a friend who you couldn't rely on to show up would start to get very old very quickly but a life partner?

My OH does a lot of not turning up, saying he will be home at a certain time and then not coming home until hours later, no apologies either and gets pissed at me if I complain about his behaviour. He will alter his routine without notice and I am just expected to put up with never knowing when he will be home, what time he will leave at in the morning. He makes plans and "forgets" to tell me until the last minute or will tell the kids to tell me.

A few weeks ago I had a very long telephone conversation with an advisor from my local women's aid group. She said this behaviour is typical of abusers, and is used to keep you not only on edge (so you can be accused of being the unreasonable one when you pull them up on their behaviour) but a form of control because you can't make plans of your own if you can't rely on or trust them to turn up and look after children etc. and can be a very effective way of isolating you.

I am not saying that your DH is abusive and that it is not something you won't be able to work out in counselling but just maybe something for you to think about since you have already looked into PA behaviour.

sorry to say it OP, but I think people who can't do timekeeping and generally sticking with their word are usually complete flakes and I avoid them. I have never got past about 2 dates with a guy like that.

if you can't stick to the basics of "we will leave at 3.30pm" then it says a lot of other things. I'm not saying 10 mins late is a crime but 1.5 hours in the shower! And it sounds like he wants to wind you up which is a really unhealthy dynamic. Could you ask "why do you want to upset me?" I suppose that comes after "why are you passive aggressive" though.

May i ask what view the counsellor takes of this?

I was going to advise save it for the next counselling session too but if DH here essentially pulls the same victim trick, "I'm not the shouty one, I'm not the one losing control" I'm concerned the counsellor might fall for it.

You say either you have to not rely on him or break up. Those sound like 2 extremes. In reality there's lots of options somewhere in the middle. Eg you might rely on him for some things (eg some financial support) but not others (eg getting somewhere on time). I can see why you think he won't change and that might turn out to be the case. However, you can also change the way you think about him, with the counsellor's help. It's possible you could see things slightly differently in a way that you can live with. Or at least you'd be clearer in your mind why you can't live with him.
On his lateness, I used to always be late everywhere. Turns out I had deep seated anger and control issues which I eventually got help with due to other reasons. The lateness has now gone away. Just an idea might be to ask DH why he enjoys being late.

to go to the first example, unless he is model/film star etc taking 1.5 to complete the entire getting up phase, let alone just the shower is a very good example to take to the counsellor as it isn't something he can just write off with "you being silly" it is an actual real example

Thanks everyone. I wrote out an email with the description of PA behaviour but have decided to wait on it, and leave it till the next counselling session.

He is a great flatterer and I wouldn't be surprised if the counsellor sided with him. But at least now, I know exactly what I am dealing with and can name the behaviour!

Ladyconstance

You are right, I think there is somewhere in between, but I need to figure out where that in between is, to keep my sanity.

Donkey

When you first got together did he have trouble sticking to arrangements, keep you waiting at a rendezvous or when picking you up, cancelling at the last minute?

Yes, he has always had this problem. He is just so self-absorbed and selfish. You couldn't tell if you met him, he comes across at the most caring and understanding person, but he is the most selfish person I know. He has little understanding or regard for feeling's of those close to him.

SleepShake, you mention the 1.5hr shower as a small thing...which makes me worry what the big things are?

it is a bit of an ego boost for some people, to think they are so important others will wait for them. they need to learn that's not the case.

OP, I'm honestly a bit concerned by some of the advice you are getting here. You posted asking how you can be less critical and instead have been whipped up into a heightened state of resentment and are now composing detailed emails with further criticisms about his behaviour. If your DH is already defensive and resentful of your criticism I somehow don't think adding to it in email form is going to make him more receptive to your viewpoint.

It sounds like the two of you are stuck in a pattern. You are both a bit fed up with each other. So when he does something that is typical of the things you're fed up about, you criticise; and you say yourself you 'get personal' when you're annoyed. I imagine translates as 'You're always x', or 'Why can't you be more y?', or 'If you wouldn't be such a baby...' kind of remarks? Then when you say hurtful things, he gets more resentful, and retaliates by doing passive-aggressive things that annoy you. Which starts the whole cycle off again.

If the two of you - and it has to be both of you, it certainly isn't just up to you to try and fix this - don't find a way to break the pattern your marriage is in serious trouble. You'll get more resentful and critical, he'll get more passive-aggressive and resistant to hearing your perspective, and eventually you will either separate or enter a kind of permanent Cold War which will be profoundly harmful for your children as well as for you both.

It seems from reading your posts that perhaps you are feeling unsupported by your DH, and he is maybe feeling belittled / infantilised. Without assigning blame for how you got to that point, are there things you could both do to make it easier to see the other's point of view and try and do things differently?

Could you both perhaps (with the help of your relationship counsellor) try and understand the pattern you're in a bit better, so you can identify flashpoints and agree to try and do something different at those points? For example 'When you do x, I tend to react like y because I'm feeling p, q, r. How about we keep an eye out for that situation and try to say 'we're doing that thing again'. Then I'll try and do z instead of what I normally do that upsets you, and maybe you can try and m, n, o as well, so I feel more supported.'

I'm not saying this would necessarily work, but I honestly feel there are two sides to this one and the only way to solve it is going to be an honest mutual effort on both sides to understand the others' feelings about your common flashpoints and try and find new ways of doing things that work for you both.

Thank you OTheHuge, you are expressing a more balanced view. I will bring it up at the counselling session and see how we get on.

Hi OP, I'm afraid that with my ex it only stopped once we broke up...the atmosphere lifted immediately and after months of me trying to get him to talk he finally admitted he had been angry with me for ages but didn't tell me, and was punishing me. BTW, he was angry because "I looked at him funny one night"...

Due to circumstances, we have had to continue living together for a bit, and all the mind games and power struggles stopped almost overnight, and he started keeping to promises (about the house, sorting himself out, being on time, even letting me know before wanting to take a 45 minute shower in case I need the loo!) for the first time in years. I'm 100% sure neither of us wants to get back with the other, it's just that once the relationship was over the issues, in his mind, and need for mind games were over too.
I think your best bet is maybe bring it up in counselling, maybe start off with a how do we communicate/ express anger discussion rather than saying straight away about passive aggressiveness.

If there is no improvement through counselling, as someone said up-thread carry on without him in things - for a PA person they need the other person getting riled to get their satisfaction. If that doesn't help after a while, maybe consider whether to carry on without him for good maybe.

I am on the receiving end of criticism and it is a hard place to be. My DH will at times criticise the way I load the dishwasher, 'my shit all over the place', my driving, my organisational skills and has only said one positive thing about my attributes or parenting in the last five years. Yet I am a well-qualified person with a responsible job whom he is happy to leave in charge for days on end when he goes on work trips etc.

It won't surprise you to hear that I am considering separation.

I've been with an overly critical partner who broke me mentally with forever critiquing everything I do. You sound the same way.

You aren't his parent, you aren't there to keep having a go at him. If you don't like the way he is, and it's coming to the point where you criticise on a daily basis perhaps you just aren't compatible?

people have accused him of doing things passive aggressively to annoy you. I don't think they're right at all. So far all I've read is him being late home from work (oh god forbid, this is the way of work sometimes he's not a child who needs to be home on the dot of the hour) and having a too long shower.