bf and hygeine

[charliethebear]

My bf has really poor personal hygiene and I need to talk about it with him but I don't know how.
We've been together 5 years, at first it was fine but gradually its got worse and worse. In this time hes moved out of home and when he first moved out it was also fine but its been getting worse and worse to the stage where I really struggle to be close to him. I should have spoken to him sooner because now I'm scared to upset him.
He only showers every 3 days or so, his hair is often greasy and he never cuts it. Its a relief when I see him and hes clean. He doesn't always use proper antiperspirant, he wears clothes 4 or 5 days running so they look grimy and smell. When he does wash them he doesn't dry them properly. He doesn't often change his bed sheets (once a month maybe), he doesn't clean hos kitchen or bathroom and its honestly gross, i would rather go to the loo in the garden than his toilet, he houseshares so its 3 persons grime too. He hasn't vacuumed his room in months. He also only cleans his teeth once a fay maybe less (which ive tried to address in a jokey manner as I'm a dental student so have been telling him what should be done but he thinks he knows best and they only need brushing once a day). The last straw was when I visited him and there was a pile of dirty tissues by his bed right next to the bin.
Hes like a 12 year old teenage boy but hes 23. Hes got a job and I worry a colleague is going to have to speak to him Surely he should know to keep basic personal hygiene by now!

His housemate is a total knobhead, I cant even describe how much of a twat he is. He would have thought it was a hilarious joke or something

This housemate also wets the bed and leaves his dirty bedsheets in the bath for days so that wont help....

And that doesn't make your bf move out/have a severe word/utterly grossed out? Leaving shit everywhere and soiled sheets in the bath? Wtf?

You need to stop pussyfooting around and lay it right on the line. He adheres to basic standards of hygiene and grooming or he's history, and he can kiss goodbye to his nice gf and spend the next five years living in a house with shit all over it.

Seriously, this is beyond the point of tact, diplomacy or being nice. He needs to get his fucking act together. Whatever you do don't move in with him.

His housemate is moving out, bf has had that argument with him many times, unfortunately the housemate is not easily shamed and doesn't care so has been kicked out basically.
I am going to talk to him when I see him, tomorrow face to face and be firm

How can you bear to have a sexual relationship with him?

I can bear to have sex with him because 1/3 days hes clean, but its not that often that we do. I get that a grownup shouldn't be told to wash but he needs to. Its not that hes young I dont know how many times I have to say up until 6 months ago everything was fine. I wouldn't have started dating someone gross. Which makes me think he can change because he used to do it no problem, he would just be reverting back to how he was. He did his year in industry fine, no problems, shower every morning and clean shirt/suit so he has been a functioning adult in the last 2 years

charliethebear can I say you are not his mother so tell him once to clean his act up, then if nothing changes then you give him the gift of saying goodbye and meaning it.
Unless you want to carry incense or spray every where he is.
If he wants to live in a pig sty then so be it.
Who knows what you could catch sleeping in his bed.
Do you ever itch when you are around him..

After a bit of experimenting I've decided the 3 things that are essential to long-term relationships are a similar approach to money, a similar approach to family, and being on the same page with tidiness. One person being a bit tidier than the other is fine, but Tidy Person can't live with Slob without damaging their mental health.

Run now, for your own good, and leave him to fester.

There are 2 questions here but only 1 concerns you.

The first question is why has he changed- is he reverting to the default position in his house- ie everyone is scruffy? If he is, does that mean he is weak, easily led, wants to conform? And if so, is he potentially going to be easily-led in other ways? Or, is he depressed and something has happened which has made him neglect basic hygiene? Ie is he suddenly into drugs (maybe you don't know) or other habits that mean he is neglecting basic standards of self-care. Does he hate work, want to be sacked and this is a passive aggressive way of trying to be sacked?

The second question is which is the one that affects you is- how can he have any respect for you? You have told him how much this affects you. He's done nothing about it. Either you have not made it clear to him, really clear, or you have and he doesn't respect how you feel. If he can't see how his behaviour and lifestyle choices impact on you then how is he likely to be a good partner? It doesn't matter how much 'fun' he is, or how far you go back, because his present behaviour is not acceptable in a loving relationship. I also suggest you think about whether someone you met at 15 is really the right person to end up with. The odds are you will - or have-changed hugely over the next 10 years and you may be hanging on to him for the wrong reasons.

I lived in shared houses into my 30s and people do live like this. Not just students but professional people too. It's a lack of pride in their environment because it's not their own place and being unmotivated to clean up when everyone else is so skanky. It can extend to personal hygiene, just general lowering of standards.

I am not excusing him btw. I think it's gross and could never sleep with him. He sounds very immature compared to you.

I met him when I was 18. I haven't made it clear to him how much it affects me, thats what I'm doing today. I have been skirting around the issue by saying things like "bob doesn't shower everyday, thats gross" or "jim only does his washing once a term, why cant he do it once a week like the rest of us" etc. Rather than "you need to sort out your personal hygiene as its really affecting me". Its easy to not sleep with him and not stay at his when you have exams to study for and work to do.

I have been making excuses for him, hes had exams, hes been stressed, everyone turns into a slob during finals etc. And I see a lot of poor personal hygiene with my course so its easy to think, well at least he cleans his teeth once a day. At least hes not the housemate who wets the bed or the one who kept his clothes in mouldy drawers etc. And he was much more mature than other people when he started to uni, he was much better with money and much better with work and managing his time than so many others, and he still is better than others of his age (which is sad really that some people are still like this at 23) but the hygeine thing doesn't actually make him more mature it makes him like a child.
But he is a grown, working adult and he cant be like this, I cant deal with this.
I am also worried about what has caused this, and I know if I leave its not my problem but I care about him.

Charlie,

Is the bar you set so low that you see it as a positive that he does not piss himself, shit on the floor, wears moldy clothes or see it as a bonus that he cleans his teeth once a day?

You are making an excuses for him,feeble ones at that, doing finals exams is not a valid reason to turn into Stig of the Dump. I studied engineering at uni and had seven pretty tough finals exams in the space of ten days that took months of preperation work, strangely none my of peer group on my course turned into disgusting feral slobs.

Honestly starting to think you may be trolling.

When you have the talk with him, I would be as honest and blunt as possible. If you are at the stage where you are considering whether you can continue with the relationship, then you have to explain to him how serious this is. Tell him he has to clean up and return to how clean he was in the younger stages or the relationship is finished. Tell him he is not physically attractive if he is dirty and it is a turn-off for you.
This situation can be reversed as he has shown himself to be capable of being clean in the past. It could well be that he is struggling mentally so ask him if there is something else going on.
Your boyfriend needs a serious reminder of what is acceptable to you.

Sorry to say this but you need to move on.

You would expect someone to make the effort to be clean and fresh smelling if they were meeting their partner.

This relationship has probably run it's course.

I know I have been making excuses, thats what I said! I didn't say they were valid, ir that I was going to continue to make them.
I was explaining why it has taken me so long to address the problem

I don't think the OP is a troll..met quite a few people like her fella.#

Only yesterday my neighbour whom I have chatted with regularly for over 10 years moved house.

To my astonishment there wrecarpets and furniture piled on the front garden...a god awful stench emanating.

The landlord had discovered to his horror that her 2 dogs and several cats were pissing and shitting everywhere. I'd heard her house was a bit smelly but she was always clean and well dressed.

Did you manage to talk to him OP?