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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

bf and hygeine

68 replies

charliethebear · 21/07/2015 12:53

My bf has really poor personal hygiene and I need to talk about it with him but I don't know how.
We've been together 5 years, at first it was fine but gradually its got worse and worse. In this time hes moved out of home and when he first moved out it was also fine but its been getting worse and worse to the stage where I really struggle to be close to him. I should have spoken to him sooner because now I'm scared to upset him.
He only showers every 3 days or so, his hair is often greasy and he never cuts it. Its a relief when I see him and hes clean. He doesn't always use proper antiperspirant, he wears clothes 4 or 5 days running so they look grimy and smell. When he does wash them he doesn't dry them properly. He doesn't often change his bed sheets (once a month maybe), he doesn't clean hos kitchen or bathroom and its honestly gross, i would rather go to the loo in the garden than his toilet, he houseshares so its 3 persons grime too. He hasn't vacuumed his room in months. He also only cleans his teeth once a fay maybe less (which ive tried to address in a jokey manner as I'm a dental student so have been telling him what should be done but he thinks he knows best and they only need brushing once a day). The last straw was when I visited him and there was a pile of dirty tissues by his bed right next to the bin.
Hes like a 12 year old teenage boy but hes 23. Hes got a job and I worry a colleague is going to have to speak to him Surely he should know to keep basic personal hygiene by now!

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 21/07/2015 13:50

He's not messy or untidy , he's unhygienic - huge difference.

Janette123 · 21/07/2015 13:50

charliethebear, all I can say is that you must be an absolute saint to put up with this !
It seems to me that there is some part of this guy that just hasn't grown up and he's still acting like a truculent teenager with a stinky bed-room or he's adopting student mentality.
I think he's really got issues - you need to have a serious talk with him about this and his feelings be blowed - he's being unreasonable, and you need to tell him so.

tiktok · 21/07/2015 14:00

You've been together 5 years, but you are worrying about how to broach something like this....that is a bit worrying, don't you think? Good, close, intimate, mutually respectful and loving relationships should allow you to talk about anything without worrying about it....given you won't be deliberately nasty or hurtful of course.

If he laughs at your concerns, then he is not being loving or respectful to you. And you can judge then whether this is a relationship worth continuing.

Original poster

charliethebear · 21/07/2015 14:03

The reason ive put up with it is because its so gradual, it was fine for the first 3/4 years and then slowly it changed, ge would only shower once every 2 days, then other things started to slip to the stage he is now. Even 6 months ago if youd asked me I would have said its mostly fine. It wasn't great but he didn't smell. Now its so terrible though :(
His good points are hes funny, he shares many interests with me. Hes quite sporty and caring and hard working in his job. Honestly everything else is perfect. It doesn't make much sense

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 21/07/2015 14:05

You need to have a chat, lay it on the line. It has to stop even if he is depressed.

Original poster

charliethebear · 21/07/2015 14:29

When he laughs at me its not malicious, its more that he genuinely believes you dont have to shower at least every other day. It goes back to his mum having odd views, she's convinced that she's different to the world and sees everything better? I dont know its really difficult to explain and I think hes inherited that. Hes got poor self esteem, he always thinks he's much worse than he actually is. Im going to have a really frank chat with him tomorrow, saying if he doesn't improve I'm going to have to leave. And then if it does improve and is still good in a month I'll stay if it slips at.any point in the next month I'll have to leave

OP posts:

pinkfrocks · 21/07/2015 14:53

I don't know why you are treading on eggshells.

My DH showers twice a day but if he's been doing lots of sport or physical work at a weekend, he might be a bit whiffy before his shower before bed; I just tell him bluntly 'poo- you stink- have that shower now, please.'

I can see in your case it's slightly different in that you don't live with him but you need to start this chat along the lines of 'there is something we need to talk about- can we sit down as I need to explain ...'

He needs to know that a) this is not socially acceptable - someone who won't be as tactful as you will tell him bluntly one day, most likely at work, or he may lose jobs and not be offered jobs because of his personal hygiene and b) it shows he possibly has some kind of mental health issue or condition (autistic spectrum?) in so much as he is not socially aware of how his behaviour impacts on others, or he doesn't care.

WickedWax · 21/07/2015 15:03

I don't think it's going to be a case of "if he's still good in a month I'll stay", I think this will be an ongoing "thing" throughout your relationship with him slipping back into old habits every time you stop "reminding" him.

Personally this would be the death of my sexual attraction to any man.

pinkfrocks · 21/07/2015 15:16

Regardless of the BO, he doesn't sound much of a catch anyway.
He is 23-ish but still behaving in ways that you say were influenced by his mum, he has low self esteem and appears not to be connected to the real world. How will this affect other behaviour in time?

If you are training to be a dentist you are clearly a very bright young woman with the world at your feet. Do you really want to be stuck with someone you met at 15 who appears to have 'issues' and who needs mothering by you? There must be masses of great guys at uni with you who are just not such hard work. And who are fragrant.

Move on. You deserve so much more.

learntoloveagain · 21/07/2015 15:17

If he is sharing a house and they are slobs, he could have let his standards slip even lower.

I had a housemate once who smelt of sweat and she only showered once a week. Her ear wax was black. Hygiene just wasn't important to her. Funnily enough, she ended up in a relationship with a guy who also smelt.

If he is still living a studenty lifestyle there is a chance he could smarten up his act. But how do you sleep with him?

Original poster

charliethebear · 21/07/2015 15:36

His whole house are slobs, its not just him and tbh a lot of men his age are. my male housemates last year were worse, one only did one load of washing in a term, but I assumed when everyone got jobs and they were no longer 'poor students' it would be better. Him and his housemates paid for a cleaner who cleaned the house last week as one of the boys covered the bathroom in shit and didn't clean it but I doubt it will stay clean. I think with the house it had got so bad that it was difficult to know where to start. The housemate who shat everywhere is moving out end of this month and being replaced with someone much nicer so maybe things will improve. This housemate also wets the bed and leaves his dirty bedsheets in the bath for days so that wont help.
He graduated uni this year so hasn't had that long to stop being a student but i thought he would want to be smart, clean and 'together' iyswim for starting his career, plus he wasn't exactly a fresher straight out of living at home.
I am thinking of leaving him, I promise Im not one of those people who ignores all advice given but he is my bestfriend, everything was so perfect last year and its really hard to think about not even having him as a friend. I want to give him a chance to improve but I won't stay with him if he doesnt. Tbh even if I do leave him I want him to sort himself out for any future gfs.

OP posts:

Original poster

charliethebear · 21/07/2015 15:38

At end of my tenancy last year I found another male housemates room was covered in mould and dirt which hed just been living with for months and wasn't bothered so at least my BF isn't mouldy. Its not really something to aim for though, a non mouldy bf :(

OP posts:

TheCraicDealer · 21/07/2015 15:39

Give it time mate; you said he doesn't dry his clothes properly #musty

newstart15 · 21/07/2015 16:12

If he felt his mum was controlling he may be going through a 'rebellion' now that he is not being watched. Add to that sloppy housemates and he has no incentive to change (especially if you show tolerance)

However I would hope that he has sufficient self esteem to look after himself properly.That's the worrying factor, that he doesnt see an issue.

The reason you are getting the 'leave now' advice is that in our experience he won't really change.He may feel housework is not for him or for men in general and if he has that attitude then when you live together and have children it's a major deal and too late to fiX except by divorce!

We have all that bf who was lovely BUT had an issue which we initially ignored because of their good points until it became a massive problem.

A good relationship is where you can express your dissatisfaction and your partner acts on it.If you are not taken seriously it's NOT a good relationship.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 21/07/2015 16:26

I admire your perseverance up till this point.

Call me old fashioned but if a grown adult sees basic hygiene and not living like animal as a chore or something that their partner has to cajole them into doing then quite frankly you better off on your own. Being a student is no excuse for not washing your teeth, showering or living in squalor.

pinkfrocks · 21/07/2015 16:33

My DCs are older than you and your BF and have shared houses now for over 10 years. I agree that some students don't know what housework is, and that boys (sorry) can be worse than girls. But not always. However, in a house share situation there is usually 1 person who calls a house meeting and says enough is enough- let's get a rota system going and clean the place a bit- especially if girlfriends are staying over.

I pity the poor landlord if they are making the house such a mess and can't even aim in the toilet when they poo- what was all that about????

But this is more than that- it's his personal hygiene and his lack of assertiveness to make his home clean.

He sounds very immature.

As a by the way, the people my DCs shared with who were 'troublesome' around housework, both at uni and once they started working, did have various issues around their mental health- depression and Aspergers being some of it.

MissBattleaxe · 21/07/2015 16:34

Exactly what pangalactic said

Jan45 · 21/07/2015 17:06

Yeah students are all slobs.

This guy is 23, in a committed relationship and out of pure laziness and dirty habits won't keep himself clean for his partner, stop worrying about telling him, if you don't, it will become so unbearable, you will end up leaving anyway, you'd be doing the poor bastard a favour actually.

Original poster

charliethebear · 21/07/2015 17:28

The poo all over the bathroom thing was just his housemate being unpleasant I think, but by August i'll never have to see him again.
I am definitely going to tell him tomorrow, ive written down what I want to say so I dont forget anything. Its definitely something I have to do face to face. I was hoping I would be able to be gentle but I know that I can't be really.
I know he probably wont change (I hope he does for his sake) but I think I need to give him a chance so that I'm not always wondering "what if he could have changed" if I give him a bit more time then I will be able to leave him without the what if :) which I will probably end up doing, this is all after I have told him. Hes my first really serious relationship (bar a few teenage flings) so its difficult for me to do and we've been together nearly a quarter of my life.
He does all his washing up straight away, puts the bins out, keeps his clothes neatly away (albeit not dry) and he did used to be a very tidy person so its quite odd that he doesn't seem to care about personal hygiene or cleanliness anymore, for the first 2 years of living out of home his room was clean and tidy as was he, I guess I'm still clinging to the fact thats its just a blip and he'll go back to how he was but I don't think he will :(

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/07/2015 17:29

You really thought he was going to start taking care of himself when he stopped being a student? Why would he? This is what he's about.

8angle · 21/07/2015 17:30

You should not have to tell a grown man to take a shower, clean his clothes and wash his hair!

Imagine if you met him for the first time and he was like this - would you have sex with him after a date?? would you introduce him to your family or friends? No you would run a mile, and you would be saying "Dear God, I went on a date with a guy and he hadn't had a shower for 4 days - what was he thinking!!" not "This is the guy i want to move in with..."

Original poster

charliethebear · 21/07/2015 17:36

I thought because a lot of male students I knew were gross basically and most men aren't so at some point they have to change and start taking proper care of themselves so it makes sense he would and i thought maybe the stress of final year was too much for him and once it was over he would get better? He can take care of himself, so I was hoping it was stress :(

OP posts:

Iggi999 · 21/07/2015 18:00

That poor cleaner
Well at least he didn't ask you to do it yet

thisisnow · 21/07/2015 18:03

My OH is like this and I find it very off putting. I have told him before his breath smells and he took offence. I'd like to think if he told me that I'd be able to take it on the chin. Get out now while you still can! Mine is 34 and he isn't any better in fact he has got worse!

pinkfrocks · 21/07/2015 18:07

The poo all over the bathroom thing was just his housemate being unpleasant I think,

WTF.

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