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Original poster

My best friend's sort of stalker ....what would you do ?

39 replies

scatterbrain · 20/11/2006 22:37

Hi everyone,

Am posting for my best friend - she and her husband split up in the first part of this year - and she rather ill advisedly started seeing this chap who she had gone to school with 20 yrs ago. Apparently he had always carried a torch for her and was really kind and supportive through the early days of the split. He is a perfectly nice chap - but not at all her "type" and after about 6 months she realised that, although they had talked about getting married and having more children, it wasn't at all what she wanted, and in fact she didn't want to be with him at all. So she finished with him.

Ever since he has been sort of stalking her - but not in a particulatly nasty way. He has basically been going round talking to anyone knows her, her family ahve all had a visit and at least several phone calls - and now he started on her school-mum friends. He knows several of the school dads - so is getting to them through their dhs.

Anyway - he is basically telling everyone that she has mental issues and needs help. He is making out that he is the sane one and that she is the one who needs looking after etc.

Some of her friends have been calling her and begging her to talk to him as he can "help" her.

She is getting to the end of her tether - and I don't know what to do to help her !

She is vulnerable - but she doesn't want him ! She has a full time resposnsible job - she isn't needy ! And to be honest she just got rid of one arse - the last thing she needs is another !

I don't have this chap's address or number or anything - and she doesn't want me to get dragged in as she said he wouldn't leave me alone if he got my contact details ! There must be something I can do ?

Anyone got any ideas - sorry for the novel !!

OP posts:
wartywarthog · 20/11/2006 23:03

he sounds like a nightmare. so he's not actually calling your friend, just her friends? i think the best thing to do is for her to tell her friends that they split up, he's the nutter and he's stalking her and ask them not to have anything to do with him anymore.

i'd recommend she start taking notes of exactly what he's been doing and if it's clear that in the next couple of weeks he's clearly carrying on, i'd go to the police.

under no circumstances should she contact him or have anything further to do with him. he's not balanced.

controlfreaky2 · 20/11/2006 23:07

people who behave like this can be dangerous. she should take this v seriously. i would consider going to the police and reporting his actions and consider getting legal advice with a view to a solicitor writing a letter warning him that she will seek an injunction against him if he dosent stop immediately

kittylette · 20/11/2006 23:16

ooh he sounds nutty

id stay well clear & advise your mates to do the same,

and seek legal advice on keeping him at bay

gmummy · 20/11/2006 23:28

I would take a step back if I were you. By all means be there to support her but she is an adult and needs to deal with this man herself - it will only muddy the waters further and perhaps get you in trouble if you contact him.

I did find the following website\link{http://www.bbc.co.uk/crime/support/stalking}
This man does sound sinister to me and I would definitely urge her to contact the police as they can apparently visit a stalker and have a "talk" with him.

mymama · 20/11/2006 23:31

Could she get some type of order where he can't contact her or anyone who is in contact with her? Not sure what system is in UK but Australia have an order that you request from police where the person can't go within 100m of victim can cannot have any contact with their family/friends/work colleagues etc. Is there anything like that in the UK?

Carmenere · 20/11/2006 23:34

I know this is a bit neanderthal but if I was in her position I would get a male friend or relation to ring him and tell him to stay away or that legal action will be taken. If she appears a bit less vulnerable he may be discouraged.

madamez · 21/11/2006 10:11

Yes, this stalker is potentially dangerous. Trying to isolate someone from their friends and family, which is what he's doing, is classic abuser behaviour. Your friend should contact the police and/or a solicitor. For one thing, telling everyone she knows that she's a loony is actually defamation/slander and illegal in itself.

ratclare · 21/11/2006 11:12

she needs to tell all her family and friends that she is not mental but has ended her relationship with this man and that if he trys to talk to them about her they need to say the same . I had a not so scary incident happen to me when i ended a very short relationship ,where the man went to my best friends house and tryed to talk to her about me nad she was quite firm with him and basically said that i had dended the relaionship because i didnt want to be with him , he took the hint and left me alone . i would agree with keeping a diary though as evidence for the police ,incase she needs to get an injunction

Original poster
scatterbrain · 21/11/2006 13:11

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all your advice - I hadn't realised that an injunction could stop him bothering her family and freinds too - will look into that for her.

I don't really think he is malicious - just terribly self centred and he thinks because he loves her and has some money behind him that she should be grateful to him for offering to look after her !

He clearly has no pride or self esteem as he has said that he doesn't care if she doesn't love him, he loves her and wants to look after her.

She had thought about asking her h to have a word with him - which is a bit weird - but he is out of the country at the moment. My dh is far too nice to be convincing !

Another thing that is bugging her is that he is putting it about that she has financial problems and he could sort them all out for her ! But actually she doesn't (well not anymore than the rest of us!) - and anyway in the whole time they were going ouit he bought he one bunch of garage flowers and paid for one meal ! It's a small town - and she doesn't want it getting around that she is in debt !

She just wants him to leave her alone, and to stop trying to get to her through other people.

I've suggested that she has a word with the friends - and just say to them that it's really none of their business and she doesn't want to discuss it with them.

She thinks if she just leaves it it will go away - but it is almost 3 months now since she ended it - and she hasn't contacted him once - she has seen him because he has "turned up" at school etc several times by "coincidence" - but she has cut him short each time !

OP posts:
Original poster
scatterbrain · 21/11/2006 13:17

Meant to say - I think most people do realise she isn't mental - but she is definitely very low and quite tearful at times. Although it was her decision to end the marriage - she is suffering that "lost dream" thing - and is very emotional.

He has too much time on his hands - no family of his own, he doesn't work (doesn't need to apparently !) and she seems to have become the whole focus of his existence !

OP posts:
Original poster
scatterbrain · 21/11/2006 16:51

Have just spoken to her - she has come home from work to find a box of expensive gifts on her door step ! She is in process of taking in round to leave back on his doorsetp !!

Has the man got no pride that he will try to bribe her to come back to him ?

OP posts:
arsenelupin · 21/11/2006 19:40

Leaving presents on the doorstep is a step further from what you described in your OP - it's creepy - if she contacts him over it he may take it as a sign he can turn up in person. As he's clearly irrational, she needs to get the message through to him, preferably via someone else, that this behaviour is not acceptable to her. An injuction may help but she needs to make sure she is safe first (ditto the kids - I'd get him banned from going near their school first, as he has no relationship with them and no reason to start hanging round the school gates).

Original poster
scatterbrain · 21/11/2006 20:25

I find all this stuff very creepy tbh !

Don't know if he could be banned from school as it is in a public road and he has just happened to be passing at pick-up time - said he was on his way back from somewhere - but it was blatantly a cover !

She could so do without this stress - and I am so that he is being so selfish and putting her through this.

I'm going to have to do something I think !

OP posts:
controlfreaky2 · 21/11/2006 21:05

i did say it before.... but here it comes again. this man could be dangerous. she needs to take some sensible steps to put a stop to this.

Original poster
scatterbrain · 21/11/2006 21:20

Sorry - I did read that before !

What to do though ? She has told him by text not to bother her anymore or she will call the police - this caused another flurry of phone calls to her parents and sister - along thre lines of "she's really losing it - she threatened ME with the police last night" ! Trouble is everyone thinks he is a really nice bloke - I have no opinion haveing only met him once - and they listen to him !

She will not speak to him - she thinks if she ignores him for long enough he will eventually give up !

OP posts:
mymama · 21/11/2006 22:10

scatterbrain I had a friend in similar situation. She changed her mobile number and home number and then it quickly progressed to sending letters to her and her family/friends. It ended with him entering her garden and pulling out all of her plants and destroying garden furniture while she was at work. My friend also thought it quite harmless to begin with but ended up with the injunction as he just would not leave her alone.

I think your friend should be v careful and consider her options.

Original poster
scatterbrain · 21/11/2006 22:14

God I;m really worried now - I can't do a lot as I am 150 miles away. A few weeks ago he was at her door and didn't stop ringing for 45 mins - she and her dcs were petrified and she got herself worked up into a right frenzy - that's when she texted him about the police. She was on the phone to me the whole time crying - with the kids crying in the background too !

At the time I thought he was just being insenstive and thick - but maybe it is more sinister. Trouble is I don't want to get her more worried than she already is ! She is so emotional at the moment.

Will have to give this some more thought ! Thanks for all your comments.

OP posts:
controlfreaky2 · 21/11/2006 22:32

here's the thing scatterbrain.... she should imo: (a) involve the police and ensure his behaviour is logged on their records and (b) seek legal advice with a view to ibtaining an injunction if necessary.you cant do these things for her. you CAN advise and support her. each time you post the details you give make the situation sound more alarming. if her dc's were as upset as you say by his actions then clearly there is a serious problem here. whatg's to debate. sorry. bossy rant over.

mymama · 22/11/2006 04:32

scatterbrain he may not be intentionally sinister but it seems his judgement is clouded at the moment and that can be a little scary. You can only advise her what to do and she needs to make the decision herself.

WinkyWinkola · 22/11/2006 19:35

He is not a sort of stalker as you put it. He is a total stalker.

She must absolutely and 1000% go the police. Without a doubt. It's been three months since she ended it and his behaviour isn't lessening - it seems to be escalating.

And could you not 'call her friends and family to set them right about this bloke? He sounds like a creep.

Let us know how you get on. God, you can't even dump a date without them getting all weird on you.

Original poster
scatterbrain · 22/11/2006 20:24

Hi again,

Well - have just spoken to her again - and here's an odd thing - her dad is an ex policeman (was really very senior until last year when he retired) and he said the police will not be interested as no crime has been committed ! I wanted her to phone the police when this chap was ringing her doorbell for 45 mins - but when she told her Dad afterwards he laughed at her and said they wouldn't have come out !

Now I don't know what to think ! She still thinks he is just sad and annoying and she doesn't think he is a stalker as such. She believes he will get bored and stop it eventually.

Her family are of course on her side - but this chap has a good repuation and is well liked in the town. His parents are also wel known and liked - so unfortuntaely people are believing him and thinking it is her who is unhinged !

An even stranger thing happened today - one of the school mums who has been "got at " by him and had a word with my friend at school - she said "he is such a nice chap and has loads of money, why don't you just get back with him becuase he will look after you ?"

I am speechless - she does not LOVE HIM !!! How could a friend suggest this ??? God !!!

OP posts:
gmummy · 22/11/2006 20:51

This is all starting to sound a bit odd to me. What kind of Father laughs at his (obviously distressed) daughter when she comes to him with a problem? You say her family are on her side but her Father is family and doesn't sound as if he is on her side at all!
Also, were you there when this man rang her doorbell for 45mins? I assume your friend did not answer the door because she was afraid to which makes me wonder why she refused to call the police. If she was not afraid, why didn't she just go to the door and tell him to go away in very plain terms?
Do you know who this man is (you say he is well known in the Town)? If so, surely you can find out how to get in contact with him if you are really anxious to get involved.
I am totally surprised that he hasn't been at you yet - this suggests that he doesnt know who you are or anything about you which I find really strange. Why has your friend given him info about (seemingly) every other person in her life and yet failed to mention you at all?
I may be completely wrong here and don't want to trivialise your or your friend's distress just because I am not in possesion of all the facts but I am wondering if your friend is not being completely honest with you.
If I'm wrong please forgive me but this is all a bit out of balance from what I've read so far.

WildatHeart · 22/11/2006 21:07

i have been a key witness in a trial which resulted in a man being sent to prison for stalking crimes. this was just before the 'stalking' laws came in, so we had to wait till he had actually assaulted my dear friend on a number of occasions, threatened me and others physically and basically made a niusance of himself for several months. so i speak as someone with experience of this sort of thing.

look if what you say is true, this man is escalating, deluded (crazy?) and dangerous.

your friend needs to call the police, go to the police and make them talk to her seriously.

she needs to start keeping a journal/diary of every detail of every thing that happens. Vital.

she needs legal advice re: injunctions (try the CAB if she cant pay for it)

and she may even need to remove herself and her children from his reach until he is dealt with (im talking refuge here)

the police will, no doubt, not take her v seriously at first. i know in our case there were two battles going on; one with the man and one with the police to take any action.
but there are stalking laws now. and for the sake of her and her children she needs to MAKE them take her seriously. the journal is VITAL. persistance is VITAL.

christ. dont let her end up as a statistic. please.

Original poster
scatterbrain · 22/11/2006 21:10

You are wrong ! Sorry !

I don't live there anymore - it's my home town though. Her Dad is on her side but he still has that "don't be silly darling" mentality.

No I wasn't there when he was ringing her doorbell - as I said she was on the phone to me - but I could hear the dc's crying and shouting "Mummy he's still there" and I could hear the bell going constantly.

I now have his phone number but she really doesn't want me to call him - she thinks it feeds his obsession !

I have met him just once - I don't know if he has my surname - but he wouldn't be able to contact me as I don't live there and he doesn't know where I live. Even if he did know we are ex-directory.

Not sure what you are doubting - this is all true.

OP posts:
Original poster
scatterbrain · 22/11/2006 21:15

Oh and - she hasn't given him info about people. She went out with him for 5 or maybe 6 mths and he was taken into the bosom of her family - her parents adored him, and so he went to their house and to her brothers. He also had all their phone numbers - I don't know why really. He knows which school her dcs go to - he would wouldn't he after 6 months together ?

I didn't see her a lot during this time as she pushed me away - I posted a lot about this as I was very hurt by it - we have been best friends for 22 years - and it was very hard. I now understand it - she wanted to be surrounded by people who told her she was right to dump her h - I totally support her decision - but don't stand by the "he's a bastard" line - he isn't - but if she doesn't want to be married to him anymore that's her choice !

God - I am justifying myself now - Grrrr !¬

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