My best friend's sort of stalker ....what would you do ?

[scatterbrain]

Hi everyone,

Am posting for my best friend - she and her husband split up in the first part of this year - and she rather ill advisedly started seeing this chap who she had gone to school with 20 yrs ago. Apparently he had always carried a torch for her and was really kind and supportive through the early days of the split. He is a perfectly nice chap - but not at all her "type" and after about 6 months she realised that, although they had talked about getting married and having more children, it wasn't at all what she wanted, and in fact she didn't want to be with him at all. So she finished with him.

Ever since he has been sort of stalking her - but not in a particulatly nasty way. He has basically been going round talking to anyone knows her, her family ahve all had a visit and at least several phone calls - and now he started on her school-mum friends. He knows several of the school dads - so is getting to them through their dhs.

Anyway - he is basically telling everyone that she has mental issues and needs help. He is making out that he is the sane one and that she is the one who needs looking after etc.

Some of her friends have been calling her and begging her to talk to him as he can "help" her.

She is getting to the end of her tether - and I don't know what to do to help her !

She is vulnerable - but she doesn't want him ! She has a full time resposnsible job - she isn't needy ! And to be honest she just got rid of one arse - the last thing she needs is another !

I don't have this chap's address or number or anything - and she doesn't want me to get dragged in as she said he wouldn't leave me alone if he got my contact details ! There must be something I can do ?

Anyone got any ideas - sorry for the novel !!

scatterbrain - shes right about one thing; you calling him is not helpful. you both need to accept the scary truth that its Call the police and Make It Official time.

her dad prob has no idea of the seriousness of it. police have a history of not taking it seriously till it all ends in tears and headlines.

hey, my dad thinks Hackney is safe as houses coz its not as dangerous as Belfast in the 70's - dur.

I'm sorry but calling up all her friends and explaining to them why he's such a good catch, claiming that your friend has mental issues and being persistant in the way he is is NOT normal behaviour. Far from it. I can't believe your friend's father was so dimissive.

It sounds like a bad dream where everyone is trying to convince you to do something you don't want to do i.e. go out with this guy.

He's hoodwinked all her friends and I would be petrified if I were your friend. Go the police and get this on record. The guy is a creep and it will only get worse.

sorry scatterbrain - I did pause before posting but felt I had to because of 2 separate expriences of people being drawn into things and getting burned for their trouble.
I know you probably didn't want to sit and write out every detail and I have not been on MN long so hadn't seen previous postings. I get it now and really don't want you to feel as if you are defending yourself. You are a good friend - all the better for hanging in there even when your friend pushed you away. We should all be so lucky to have friends as good!
I still stand by origional posting and that of most others though - your friend really really needs to get legal on his *ss!
Still, all you can do is keep telling her this in the hopes that she'll take some notice.

I know - it is so weird.

She wishes she had never gone out with him now - I can't believe she did - it was so out of character. I think he was KIND to her when she was in a delicate state and he gave her something to focus on I guess.

The problem is that he has never left our home town and knows everyone - he is apparently a really nice bloke - so he is highly credible. Whereas my friend has been away for a long time and is newly back in town. People don't know her like they know him - so I guess they are siding with him. On the face of it she looks bad - she went out with him immediately after splitting with her h - then she treated this man badly by finishing with him after leading him to believe they had a future together. He is obviously devastated - he has said she was the one love of his life !

I think even I feel a bit sorry for him !

But it's her choice and he should accept it !

I will speak to her tomorrow when she comes off her shift ! Get her to start a journal at least.

oh good - the journal that is. it may seem daft, but the authorities take will be able/willing to take it all much more seriously and much more quickly when she does decide to get legal about it if she has this.

he wants her to feel silly and powerless and less credible than her, and is doing a good job of it by the sounds of things.

tell her to trust her instincts and get help soon.

This person is not "sort of nice". This person is a VERY DANGEROUS psychopath. This is the sort of person who kills his ex partner and children and the friends and neighbours are left bleating about how "nice" he seemed. Your friend needs to tell the police, a solicitor and everyone she knows that this person is STALKING her, that she does not want anything to do with him and she and her children are AFRAID of him.

Sorry to sound so brutal but this person is very, very dangerous. I've heard this story so many times.

Your friend is being stalked and the sooner she takes legal action by getting the police involved the better. She also needs to start writing all stalking details down. Stalking is a crime and is taken far more seriously by the authorities these days.

Your friend was in a vulnerable state at the time they met and he's taken advantage of that.

Not really surprised to read that this man seems well liked in the community and is plausible - how many times have you read that these men are "well liked". He's been left but wil not take no for an answer. Such behaviour does escalate and your friend may find herself in grave danger. I'm not being overtly dramatic here; he will find ways to get back at her for her "crime" of leaving him. Many such angry and dangerous men are quite plausible to others the outside world but certainly not their victim. Your friend is indeed the victim of a stalker.

www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/onelife/personal/safety/stalking.shtml

I would also suggest you read the above as well.

Stalkers can be people that you've dated, been in a relationship with, or someone you've never even met. If you know the person harassing you that still doesn't give them right to make your life difficult. And if you were in a relationship that you ended, it doesn't mean you have to put up with unacceptable behaviour from your ex because they're unhappy about the split.

What causes stalking?
There are many causes which might trigger stalking behaviour, they include:

• Many stalkers have other psychological problems and may not be able to form relationships in the normal way
• They may convince themselves that they are having a relationship with their victim, or suffer from other delusions about their victim
• They may be an ex who can't accept that a relationship is over
• Some stalkers may be motivated by revenge
• A lot of stalkers believe that that their feelings for their victims are reciprocated

Is the law on my side?
Yes:

• The 1997 Protection From Harassment Act makes it a criminal offence for anyone to harass another person.
• The 1984 Telecommunications Act makes it an offence to send a message that's offensive or indecent, obscene or menacing by a type of public telecommunications system.

So, what can I do if it happens to me?
Firstly, don't respond to any messages that you receive, because this may only encourage them to send more. Depending on the type of harassment you're receiving you can also do a number of other things:

Report it to the police
Don't worry if you know the person that's harassing you, or if they're the same sex. Whatever the situation, they'll listen and advise. In extreme cases they can also issue:

• Warnings
• Injunctions (a court order prohibiting someone from taking certain actions, like approaching you, calling you, writing to you etc.)

Tell your phone company
Most phone networks, whether you have a mobile or a landline have a malicious calls policy, and can give advice to people about what to do if they're receiving unwanted calls.

Tell your friends and family
Tell people who know you what is happening, so that they'll be aware of it. If you're travelling make some contingency plans to be picked up or meet someone, so that you're not on your own.

Remember that harassment, in any form, is not acceptable and whatever the person subjecting you to it says - it's not your fault and you don't have to put up with it.

Thank you so much for those links - I've just printed a load off for her as she's not on the internet.

So much of it rings true - I am now very worried about her safety. Will speak to her when she gets up !

Thanks

I'd print off this thread and send it to her too. There's some really great advice from MNers on it.

I bet he spotted a mile off she was in a delicate state and that's just the way he likes them and that's why he went for it. Wonder why he's still single? Because he's probably freaked out everyone he's ever dated.

He's such a great guy? Most people take being dumped on the chin, get upset but move on. He sounds obsessive. They weren't dating long enough for him to decide she was the love of his life. That's a load of manipulative tosh. It's not necessarily such a wicked thing to do to dump someone. It happens all the time.

I'd be really worried for your friend. Sorry to go on but I'm worried for her!

I've been stalked and the advice I was given was to keep a log of all contact made to and from whom.
She must report it to the police, as if it gets any further along then they have it on record and are now able to action these kinds of cases more quickly than they did in my day.
Is worth asking a solicitor to draw up a letter but this chap is being very canny as most non contact orders are between petitoner and petitioned alone.
Often a visit from the cops to chat things over and draw a boundary is enough for those that are genuinely upset and just not coping well.
But for people who want to affect their victims, the cops is often an incentive.
either way nip it in the bud asap
My stalked anon reported me to social services, caused chaos at work by spreading lies.
some men just relish wreaking havoc.

Failing that does she know any ex RAF/ SAS types...

Quick update - she has been noting some of the things in her diary anyway - so has the basis of a journal ! AND she met a WPC the other night socially who has offered to pay him an official visit !

Hopefully this will put him off !

Any more update, SB? Have been thinking of your friend.