I need help my wife has cheated on me

[Davemills1972]

Help please ladies I need a woman's opinion,

My wife went on holiday for her 40th and called me one night to say she fancied a threesome, in a moment of madness I said go for it just use condoms and keep it to yourself. I never thought she would do it!

When she came home the first night we have fantastic sex however the following day she confessed she had done it however with no protection!! She said she had booked an std clinic visit for 10 days time and only had sex with me so I didn't think anything was wrong. Since then we have talked and she told me she would never lie to me again. Last night she told me she had moved her appointment and then today confessed she hadn't.

I don't mind the fact she had another man/men but to do it unprotected and then sleep with me so she didn't have to confess and then 3 days later lie again, what do I do.

Help I feel awful I love her but I don't know how to go on with my life...

Sorry, phone playing up!

I never thought she would do it and then to take her own feelings above my health is that not wrong??
I'm not bothered about anything other than the fact she has lied to me once when she had sex with me and then twice after we spent days discussing how important it was to be honest from this point forward, how do I ever trust her again?

Your wife hasn't cheated at all, you gave her permission.
She was wrong from keeping it from you and for having sex with you after she had unprotected sex.
Get tested yourself and don't have sex with her again until you have.

ffs could she be pregnant?

She hasn't cheated I agree so if you have nothing to lie about why do it? Why not be honest and say oops sorry don't touch me until I get the all clear I just think if she's done this how self orientated is she, do I not figure at all in her thought processes?
Ps I'm a virologist/microbiologist in a busy hospital, hence the use condoms!

She hasn't cheated, she has lied though and about something very important. You have to decide if you can forgive or if it's a deal breaker...

I'm not that daft, I wish I was 43!!!!

You need to be partially sane and not too stupid to know to use protection.

Like you said it was a moment of madness, you gave her permission and although she wasn't safe and then put you at risk I doubt this is a marriage ending issue.
Firstly get tested and don't sleep with her until you have, secondly figure out if it actually was ok with you that she slept with other people. If it isn't ok, that's your problem to figure out yourself.

Now look at what she's actually done wrong, having sex with someone else isn't something you can blame her for even if you didn't think she would do it you said it was ok.

What I think she has done wrong is put herself and you in danger, so talk to her about it and if you can't get over the fact she didn't use a condom and then slept with you get a divorce.

So you're a lot older than your wife? Is that part of why you gave her permission?

Really? You have her permission? I can't imagine asking my husband for permission to have sex another or would I agree to him having sex with another... Each to their own.

I would just not have sex with your wife until she has the all clear...

You gave her permission as long as she used protection
She didn't keep her side of the bargain and that was deceitful
She then didn't tell you that she did this without protection- because she realised that she had broken the deal
Having lied once, it becomes easier to lie, or at least necessitates further lies.

To be honest if I were her, I would be leaving you. What sort of man claims to love someone, encourages them to have a drunk threesome and then after the fact is only concerned for his own health. Are you not concerned for hers too?

You might work in microbiology or whatever but I don't think I have ever read such a stupid post on MN

Dave.. Did you join mumsnet today?

Jesus Christ mini if you were his wife I'd buy him a drink and congratulate him on the divorce.

That's harsh mini of course I am! I have offered to go with her to help her through it!!
I didn't encourage her I gave her the option, she took it!

What Lastnight said

Yes go with her and don't sleep with her until you know she's clean its a bit like saying I won't drink from that mug unless its been through the dishwasher. When you combine your lack of concern for her safety at the time of this event, her health after with your emphasis upon your own health, I'm afraid I'm failing to see a man who loves his wife. And that's from someone who thinks monogamy is a nonsense.

I live a very sheltered life!