Gaslighting

[Inexperiencedchick]

The gas-lighting expressions and situations?

any experience?

FarFrom,

I don't see anything wrong in analyzing my past and life experiences...

It helps me to be aware why something in my life didn't work and how can I avoid it in future...

It sounds as though he is telling you who he is at this point in his life.. If you are hoping for more (were) then walk away.

I don't think he is 'gaslighting' you, but I do feel that he is testing the ground- does that make sense.

You sound more emotionally involved than he is?

Brokenhearted

Sorry you had that in your life.

Country

This "bloody" guy openly told me he will never commit.
And I'm not interested to sleep around with men if there is no future.
But after commitment he blamed me for stepping back and not sleeping with him.
And I end up over-analyzing and doubting myself why it happened that way...
No I know he never wasn't serious about me. As PP said he was only after sex. Bastard!

Lacoba

I was, very much...

It's passed and opened my eyes for many things.

Posters here are Stars :)

I agree with above, not gaslighting. I think he did not see a future for the two of you but hopped for sex until something better came along. He may or may not have been looking for love, it is well known to take people by surprise!

I wouldn't over analyse it it simply wasn't meant to be but from what you have written he never led you on.

Sorry I cross posted with you.

thanks Lucked, it's all right...

Jesus, he just wasn't as Into you as you were into him.

So, he wasn't after anything serious, and claims he's not into committing seriously with anyone, but how do you know he didn't fall head over heels with this new girl, and that's why it appears he's committed to her?

Or perhaps he found you very intense (or unable to make sense of you) and scarpered?

I'm sorry, but it jut didn't work out and it's nothing like gas lighting. I would stop trying to put a label on this experience and move on.

Yep, move on.
Unfair to call him a bastard.

Gas lighting might be telling you that he only wanted serious, sleeping with you, then denying he ever said it.

He was clear what he wanted.

I've certainly been in the position where I didn't want anything droid snd BAM! meet someone and suddenly I do, with them.

Failing to see the bastard here.

Inexperiencedchick, you are so more intuitive & intiutioned than you really think!!

x

No, not gas lighting at all.

It was more that you weren't what he was looking for, but OK for 'dating'. You didn't want that and told him that you were not interested in 'dating', you wanted a 'relationship'. You stepped away. He then found the person he was looking for and started a 'relationship' with them. The key is that you just weren't what he was looking for. That's not gas lighting, he didn't lie to you, he didn't 'trick' you. I wouldn't even say it was a 'red flag'. It sounds to me like he was perfectly honest about things.

No, in fact I'd say it was honourable of him. He was telling you his parameters for the relationship clearly. You chose not to proceed. Perhaps the other woman (not an OW) chose to see what happened.

I don't think it was gaslighting to say that you should have dated him. He was just saying that had you done so perhaps it would have lead somewhere.

Yes, if I would step in it would probably be different...

I was afraid.

brokenhearted

I'm so sorry...

In the play, Gaslight (which gave rise to the expression), the man turned down the gas-fired lights a little bit every day. He then convinced his wife that she was going blind/mad and of course eventually she did. Or something like that. Can't remember who wrote it. Gaslighting is lying with the aim of convincing another person that they are mistaken or in the wrong. Hence mind games.

ArgyMargy

Thank you, it's very helpful.

You're welcome, chick. Gaslighting is actually frighteningly easy to do, particularly to vulnerable people and especially the elderly who may already be worried about their memory etc.

ArgyMargy

The thing is he even told me let's date and in the mean time you can look for someone serious as well (dating with him and still looking for someone else). I clearly stated I'm not into that and would be happy to be exclusive. That's why I backed off. I stopped trusting him.

And after him settling he replied to my question that I didn't want anything myself. A man who is serious about someone is not going to play with her head and make her question every situation in her life. I seriously thought I am going mad...

Some PP praised him for being honest, my intuition told me exactly the opposite.

I'm on my own now and don't have any kind of headache. I don't question myself for being unreasonable... And it's definitely not about labeling the situation. It's more to do with analysis so I can be switched on for any kind of abuse coming my way in future...

Thanks for the insights

So is this right?

You said "I'm only interested in a serious relationship."
He said "No, let's both play the field."
You said "Not what I want, I'm out."

Then he got himself a serious relationship.
You asked "I thought you wanted to play the field? How come you're now serious?"
He replied "I wanted serious. You're the one who wanted to play around."

If that's what happened - then, yes, his final 'explanation' was gaslighting.
He lied to you about your own thoughts.
Never let anyone tell you who you are or what you want.
Always trust your own perceptions.
Ditch people who try to re-define you!

When he wants to make his new girlfriend change the way she is, the chances are very high that he will do this to her.

Broken, since XH2 I've made it a rule to double-check the evidence of my own five senses as belligerently as I need to! He pulled some right old stunts on me, so breathtaking that I didn't believe he really could be doing that. I underestimated his arrogance, and also my lack of confidence. Since learning about how abuse works, I've picked those incidents apart using pure logic instead of feelings/assumptions. And will certainly never be as willing to accept "I must have got it wrong" ... my assumption now is that I'm right until proved otherwise!

Yes Garlic, it's exactly what it is.

Thanks for the advice. I will keep your advice close to my heart.

Somehow I feel myself lucky to escape.

Yes, I think you were :)