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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want DC#2 but it will tear his family apart...

58 replies

WhyStannisWhy · 19/07/2015 16:41

Basic facts (I've posted about this before). SIL and BIL are currently having IVF, TTC#1. I unexpectedly fell pregnant quite young a couple of years ago, OH is the younger of the two so wasn't supposed to be the first to have a child etc etc especially with SIL's fertility difficulties which were already ongoing at that point. Tried to be as sensitive as possible but was made to feel like a dirty secret at times, however that's fine, I just wanted to avoid any rift.

It sitll caused a bit of a rift, things are sort-of okay but not entirely (SIL and BIL totally blanked DD's first birthday, things have been awkward for a while). It's caused issues with MIL in particular too. Understandable I guess as she feels torn. SIL in particular reacted badly to the pregnancy and to DD, undermines me as her mum etc.

We're now at the point where we're ready for another baby and are actually going to TTC this time, but SIL and BIL's second round of IVF has failed. We're gutted for them, they get one more round before having to pay privately but they aren't sure what to do. We don't want to delay TTC, but all I can think is what happens if I get pregnant quickly (as happened last time) and in 12/13 weeks time we're announcing a pregnancy to them, and everything goes to shit?

OH is very much of the opinion that we have to live our lives and can't wait around for them, can't be expected to put our lives on hold when we want DC2 now and it could take us a while to conceive this one, nothing's guaranteed with possible MCs and everything, but I just feel torn. Really want DC2, but I don't want to be the cause of what could potentially be a massive rift.

Plus, selfishly, it was me that got it in the neck last time despite OH's efforts to make them see that it takes two to tango. It made my pregnancy a bit rubbish and I don't want that stress this time. OH would be devestated if things got to the point where either side wanted to go no-contact.

Feeling torn - would we be totally insensitive to go ahead and TTC #2?

OP posts:
Skiptonlass · 19/07/2015 19:48

You cannot delay or change your ttc plans for this.

It is absolutely heartbreaking for your sil and Bil. Infertility is such a difficult thing to cope with - You can be deeply sympathetic and you should certainly be as low key and diplomatic about things like announcing pregnancy etc. as you can.

You not having another child doesn't make their situation any better though does it? You delaying does nothing to increase their chances or reduce their pain.

They have every right to feel very upset, to perhaps distance themselves from you and not speak for a while. They have no right to guilt trip you or behave badly.

GatoradeMeBitch · 19/07/2015 20:00

Would it help if you (or your DH) told them that you were planning to TTC, give them time to get used to the idea?

I agree with whoever said that your DH just has to lay it on the line with his family, they are either happy for you, or they sod off.

CocktailQueen · 19/07/2015 20:07

Regardless of her fertility issues, she sounds really rude and horrible. Agree with the others that you can't let anyone else's problems rule your life. Sounds like your dh's family is a little ... dysfunctional.

Floggingmolly · 19/07/2015 20:08

You seem to have accepted without question that when your SIL eventually has a child it will be the "golden one", just because of the family dynamics.
If that's the case; why are you still pussyfooting around these people?
It's to your credit that you're so sensitive about her situation, but you really cannot allow it to impact on your own family, it's your DH's time to step into the sun.

Original poster
WhyStannisWhy · 19/07/2015 20:20

He's told his mum that we're planning on it. She was very dismissive, 'oh, ok, if it makes you happy'. If we told SIL I can see it going one of two ways; either with her being quite snotty and having a go at him for telling her, or going ballistic.

I know now that we can't delay our family because as everyone has said, a) we'd miss out on the age gap we'd like for DD and a sibling and b) it could take us weeks, months, years and we'd kick ourselves for wasting time.

It is a seriously dysfunctional family set up. When we go back and visit, OH is expected to do chores and be at his parents' beck and call. He is also expected to drop everything and travel back there to help them if they need it. When SIL visits, she is very much a guest, and despite only being ten minutes away, is never asked to do anything.

Thankfully we live two hours away so visits are relatively infrequent, and we're planning on moving further in the not-too-distant future. OH has been amazing at standing up to them since they asked him to go back and live at their house for a week and watch their dogs when I was 37 weeks pregnant, and he refused - good job as that was the week I ended up having DD!

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 19/07/2015 22:54

Go for it.
My older sister and I have one child each from IVF. Our youngest sister (5 and 10 years younger) had racked up FIVE kids before our firsts.
We used to smile and comment with gallows humour about it.
But never with true meaning.

It's shit for them, but you can't live your life round their difficulties.

Original poster
WhyStannisWhy · 19/07/2015 23:00

Thanks for the advice everyone. It's cleared my head and made me see that you are all right, as is OH :)

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/07/2015 23:12

God his family sound dreadful. Best of luck to you, OP.

ScoutRifle · 20/07/2015 06:52

Jealousy makes people into horrible human beings.
Your dh is spot on.

thejoysofboys · 20/07/2015 07:23

I went through IVF to conceive my DS. But while it's really hard when close friends and family get pregnant all around you, life has to go on!

You can't put your life on hold because of someone else's negative circumstances. If it's not you getting pregnant , it'll be her best friend, work colleague, neighbour, etc. it's really tough for your SIL and I''m sure you'll announce any news sensitively but she really does have to learn to live with it.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 20/07/2015 09:55

I've been where you are: my brother and sister-in-law were going through IVF when I fell pregnant with my first. She was very distraught, understandably, and chose to have little to do with my baby. I went on to have two more children. Meanwhile, IVF didn't work for them and they split up with the stress and upset of it all.

My brother is close to his nephews because he accepts what has happened as just how things go. I know he has received grief from his wife though.

I did feel guilty because it doesn't seem fair but you just have to accept that you've got to live your life. Fortunately my family haven't made me feel guilty. Oh, except my grandmother who, on hearing I was pregnant with my first said, 'oh your poor brother!' She died before my son was born so took those feelings with her.

Stitchintime1 · 20/07/2015 09:58

Go ahead and have your baby. Be as sensitive as you can AND protect yourself from their bitterness.

Finola1step · 20/07/2015 09:59

His family sound pretty awful.

Focus in building your own family with your dh.

Raasay · 20/07/2015 10:07

It makes me unreasonably cross when people say it is 'understandable' for couples with fertility issues to behave abominably just because someone else has had a baby.

We tried to conceive for more than 6 years. In that time every single one of my friends and siblings had at least one, and mostly two babies.

We smiled, sent gifts, visited newborns, stood as Godparents and attended first birthday parties with smiles plastered firmly in our faces.

Yes we might have privately shed a tear when we got back home but I'd never have stolen a moment's joy from anyone else.

Infertility is very hard. Gnashing your teeth and making everyone else suffer is as a result not understandable it's selfish.

TTC if you are ready. It's none if their business.

chairmeoh · 20/07/2015 10:26

I imagine there will never be a 'right' time for you to have a second child from SIL's POV. Carry on with your own lives and family planning.

Mermaid36 · 20/07/2015 10:36

My sister is infertile (younger sister) due to medical issues. She went through the menopause at 26 years old as well as going through cancer treatment at the same time.

When we decided to ttc earlier this year, I sat her down and had a chat with her about it. I know it kills her everytime her friends have babies, and now I'm planning one (her only sister), I wanted to be completely upfront with her about it. She had a bit of a cry, but I explained that I wanted her involved and didn't want her to stay away. I'm perfectly OK with her crying and getting angry about it - I'm pretty sure I'd be the same way if my chance at children had been taken away from me so young.

Original poster
WhyStannisWhy · 20/07/2015 17:44

Thanks for the advice everyone. We're going to go for it, and as for SIL's reaction, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 20/07/2015 17:52

Just don't announce it. If you get pregnant wait until the very last moment ie. You can't hide the bump anymore and then very quietly start telling people. If MIL wants to tell FIL then so be it. Just don't go sticking scan photos on Facebook and then no one can accuse you of flaunting your pregnancy or being insensitive.

sebsmummy1 · 20/07/2015 17:52

*MIL wants to tell SIL

Original poster
WhyStannisWhy · 20/07/2015 18:07

My friends don't do 'very quiet'. The second one of them finds out, it will be all over Facebook, last time was the same which was why SIL blocked me and I'm fine with that.

Last time I was forced to treat my pregnancy like a dirty secret around the ILs, I don't want to have to do the same on a much larger scale when this pregnancy will actually be planned. Maybe that's selfish but she can hide me, block me, anything, I'm fine with that, but not wanting to feel like my pregnancy is shameful is part of the reason I wasn't going to go for it.

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 20/07/2015 18:23

Then unfollow your SIL and other family members so they won't have to see the scan photos unless they ask. It is Facebook that usually causes the most problems as people get baby bombed which is incredibly different to preparing yourself for an event that you've heard through talking to the person/or family.

Original poster
WhyStannisWhy · 20/07/2015 18:42

SIL is the sort to take offence if I remove her. I know you're not but it feels a little like you're trying to make out I'm going to be rubbing her face in it constantly.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 20/07/2015 18:57

Until we got to the Facebook references I was very much of the opinion that your SIL was as mad as a bag of snakes notwithstanding her obvious sadness re IVF. But the fb thing does sound very upsetting even if you aren't the instigator.

I think in your shoes I would encourage your DH to speak to or message his sister wishing them luck and mention that you are hoping to be pregnant again soon,too. Just that. If she says something awful then be as calm and dignified as possible but at least she knows and there aren't any dirty secrets.

Good luck and let's hope you both have pregnancies very soon.

Original poster
WhyStannisWhy · 20/07/2015 19:12

But she removed me off Facebook and I was fine with that. Until the point where she removed me, all I'd posted was the post to say I was pregnant. I don't get what I've done wrong now.

Fuck this is confusing. Maybe we're not ready.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/07/2015 19:21

I think your DP is right BUT when you do find out you are pregnant and ready to go public I think it's the kindest thing to for him to tell SIL first so she hears it in private, in person not 2nd hand via Facebook.

She is being very unkind in how she is treating you and your DD but it does come across insensitive that she wasn't "important" enough to be told in person before friends and it be common knowledge.

I hope that makes a bit more sense?