Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Is it reasonable for my ex to demand to meet my new boyfriend?

38 replies

snowflake02 · 19/07/2015 11:51

I am in the process of divorcing my husband and have met someone new. My ex is insisting that he meet my boyfriend before the children meet him and if I don't agree to this he says he will insist on being there when they do meet. Is this a reasonable request?!

OP posts:

CarmelasFridge · 19/07/2015 11:52

No.

lalalonglegs · 19/07/2015 11:52

No. Are you, by any chance, divorcing him because he is controlling?

ohlamour · 19/07/2015 11:53

No. None of his business!

MuttonCadet · 19/07/2015 11:53

No, no more than if you were to "vet" any new girlfriend he might have.

He should trust you to make sensible choices.

Smooshface · 19/07/2015 11:53

I would probably want to meet anyone that would be introduced to my kids in a 'new parent' type capacity... wouldn't you? I understand it sounds a bit weird though! I think it's ok for them to be concerned about someone that will (eventually) be spending lots of time with the kids.

lalalonglegs · 19/07/2015 11:54

However, I do think it is reasonable to discuss at what point new partners should be introduced to your children etc. I don't know how he can insist on being there when introductions are made - are you still sharing a house?

differentnameforthis · 19/07/2015 11:55

As long as you don't expect to meet any potential new girlfriends of his.

broadbeanstew · 19/07/2015 11:56

No! I have never met my exH's girlfriend, even though they have sometimes stayed overnight with her there. Since splitting I've had two relationships and exH has never asked about or wanted to meet them.

antimatter · 19/07/2015 11:57

Give us a bit info about your timeline and ages of your children.

Rivercam · 19/07/2015 11:59

I agree with Smoosh that if there kids involved, I would want to meet them. How soon are you planning to introduce new bf to your kids? Will he be fairly involved straight away?

Either ex is looking out for his kids, or is controlling.

AbbeyBartlet · 19/07/2015 12:01

I know there are often threads by women saying that they want to meet their ex's new partner and that seems to be seen as reasonable by many posters.

I am assuming that could be because, in most cases, the new partner is likely to be involved when the children are supposed to be spending time with their NRP.

Original poster

snowflake02 · 19/07/2015 12:01

I would want to meet a new girlfriend of his if she was going to be living with him and taking on a parenting type role. But more because I would like us to have a 'working relationship' rather than because I want to vet her. I would also assume that I would meet her naturally at some point too, rather than having to arrange a specific meeting, which I think will be horribly awkward.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 19/07/2015 12:02

I know there are often threads by women saying that they want to meet their ex's new partner and that seems to be seen as reasonable by many posters.

It's also seen as unreasonable by others.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 19/07/2015 12:02

No.
you're well rid of him BTW. he sounds VERY controlling.

tabulahrasa · 19/07/2015 12:05

If he's asking from the viewpoint that he'd like to know a bit the person who is going to be around the children then I don't think it's unreasonable, but it's up to you whether you want him to or not still.

If it's because he's controlling and he wants to vet him, then it's unreasonable and tell him to do one.

Original poster

snowflake02 · 19/07/2015 12:08

He admitted that it was because he wants to vet him, which feels to me like he is saying that my judgement is not good enough.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 19/07/2015 12:13

Treat others how you wish to be treated yourself. As others have said, is like to know who's in my DDs life so I'd think that was only fair.

Horsemad · 19/07/2015 12:17

Realistically though, what would happen if he didn't deem him suitable? I personally wouldn't stop seeing someone just because an exH said they weren't suitable!

Original poster

snowflake02 · 19/07/2015 12:22

I'm sure he would try to make it hard for me somehow if he didn't deem him suitable.

OP posts:

AlanPacino · 19/07/2015 12:26

How is meeting someone for 10 minutes going to help? Unless it will involve ascertaining a current enhanced criminal background check and thorough psychological testing administered by a trained professional then meeting him proves nothing other than your ex's ability to control you.

Bonsoir · 19/07/2015 12:30

Your STBXH does not have a right of veto over your choice of future partner. He does not get to choose your future life, even when it has an impact on your joint DCs.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/07/2015 12:34

Unreasonable to demand, yes. He may wish to meet him, but I don't think that's necessary before the DCs do, just a nicety at some point.

FWIW, my DCs met my DP quite soon as my babysitter had let me down and DP suggested we just take my DCs along with us on our date to the cinema and watch something they would like! XH was aware that I was seeing someone, but hadn't demanded a meeting.

I met his new lady after they'd already moved in together and the DCs had stayed there a few times. I learned absolutely nothing about her during that brief 5 minute meeting, so can't see why demanding one would benefit anyone.

You could tell him to wind his neck in, but be prepared that he will do the same if ever you are unhappy with the arrangements at his house.

I would say that he has no right to demand anything, but in the interests of keeping things amicable you will arrange for him to meet your BF at a pick up/drop off some point in the future, but if your DCs happen to meet him first, so be it.

Ladyconstance · 19/07/2015 12:41

Put yourself in his shoes: would you want to meet a new girlfriend before they meet your children with XH? Perhaps now is the time for you both to agree some ground rules about new partners and your kids. It's hard to say what's reasonable unless there's a basic understanding of what you each expect from each other. I'd be cautious about going straight to 'no way' without talking it through with XH. It ups the ante and risks winding each other up right from the beginning. Ideally you don't want to add more aggro to a new and uncertain way of life. Do you feel able to have these arguments every birthday, Mother's Day, school play till your kids are 18? I doubt your kids want tension around mum and dad whenever they're concerned. By trying to be reasonable in the beginning of these negotiations, you can always get tougher if necessary. If you start off angry and defensive it'll set the tone for every future discussion.

CheersMedea · 19/07/2015 13:42

I would want to meet a new girlfriend of his if she was going to be living with him and taking on a parenting type role.

There have been a few threads about this recently. It's not unreasonable to wish to meet a new partner if they are going to be in contact with your children but that's all you can say about it. It's your wish and it's not unreasonable.

BUT it's not your RIGHT. The same is true for him. So to answer your question:

Is it reasonable for my ex to demand to meet my new boyfriend?

NO. A big fact NO. There are no demands here.

If you are split up, that's it. He has no right to demand anything at all. If he wanted input into your life and who your partner is, he needs to be in a relationship with you.

Don't forget that in situations like this there is a third person involved - the new partner. It is perfectly reasonable for them to take a stance of "No I'm not meeting your ex. They are nothing to do with me and I'm not interested in your drama or being vetted".

Think about it - it's utter crap. What if he doesn't like your new partner? So what? He can't stop you seeing him. He can't stop the children spending time with him. To do that he'd need to get a court order - which he won't get.

Tell him to f*ck right off. Having said all that, if you are likely to want to meet a new gf of his for the same reason, a bit of diplomacy here may not go amiss.

newstart15 · 19/07/2015 13:47

How does he know about the boyfriend? What timeframe are you planning to introduce your boyfriend to the children? I think he should respect your judgement (as you would his) however I woukd suggest to him that its likely they will meet naturally over a period of time.

When women post this question they are told that they can request a meeting but but they can't demand it, I doubt women would be told they are controlling.My pre teen DSD was very uncomfortable when her mum very quickly moved a new man into their house.We didn't know how to support her and spoke to parent line and other agencies for advice.We were told to take any of her concerns seriously as non related males are deemed at a higher risk.Thankfully it was all OK, but DSD learned to out boundaries in place.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread