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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What on earth is the matter with me?

29 replies

iwalkalonelyroad · 19/07/2015 10:59

Just broken up after 2 years. I know he didn't treat me well. No romantic gestures at all, no loving words, violent sex, texts to OW, just generally very selfish. I know he has MH issues - on medication and awaiting counselling - and had a very bad childhood.

But I honestly loved him with all my heart.

I can't imagine going NC and would do anything to have him back in my life because there were good times and he was my world.

I don't think it will happen, he's made it clear he doesn't want me and we had the whole 'it's not you, it'me' speech.

I just want to text him and ask that we try again. And if I do I know I'll be posting here again in another month.

What I can't understand is why I want him? And what is wrong with me? If I was on the outside I would think I was an absolute idiot.

I'm scared that I've got a really skewed version of what's right in a relationship.

Can anyone help?

Thank you.

OP posts:
CtrlAltDelicious · 19/07/2015 11:05

If you want to be in a relationship with this disgusting sounding man, then quite frankly you shouldn't be looking for any relationship with anyone at all. Why is your tolerance bar set so low? Sad

Original poster
iwalkalonelyroad · 19/07/2015 11:11

I honestly don't know. I have successfully raised two DD and have a nice home and a good job. My relationship with my parents is fine, we're not big on sharing things but we are fairly close.
I can't think of anything in my past that's made me this way
I keep thinking it's not him, it's his MH issues and making excuses.

OP posts:
Skiptonlass · 19/07/2015 11:17

He's still responsible for his behaviour, regardless of mental health issues.

Our upbringings and childhoods affect us, yes. They help to shape who we are. BUT they do not absolve us of responsibility for our actions.

CtrlAltDelicious · 19/07/2015 11:19

I don't accept his MH issues are responsible for him texting other women or being sexually violent (very worrying by the way). And he believes they are, the onus is on HIM to seek help so he stops behaving so appallingly.
There are SO many decent men out there, please don't waste any more time longing for this person.

DontKillMyVibe · 19/07/2015 11:20

It's better to be with nobody than to be with a man like that who doesn't want to be with you tbh. Delete all his details so you can't contact him and read some books about developing self-esteem. It's hard but this feeling will pass

DontKillMyVibe · 19/07/2015 11:22

Also what CltAlt said - mental health issues are not an excuse for cheating or treating people like shit. I'm not saying that to gloss over MH issues as I have first hand experience of them.

pictish · 19/07/2015 11:24

Plus none of us are obliged to tolerate poor treatment just because someone has mental health issues. He doesn't text OW because he's got a mental illness. He doesn't withhold affection and effort yet indulge himself in violent sex with you because he has a mental illness. He does those things because he's selfish, uncaring and not a nice person.

Do not hope to saddle yourself with such a bum deal.

butterflygirl15 · 19/07/2015 11:46

please do the Freedom Programme. I find it heartbreaking that you think this is all you deserve. You really need to do some work on yourself as to why you would tolerate all this shite. He isn't ill, he is an abuser. Please don't dress it up as something else. And if you continue with a relationship with this man you are giving your children a blueprint for their own future relationships. Do you want them to tolerate from their partners what you have put up with from this animal?

ohlamour · 19/07/2015 11:52

Hi iwalk - i broke up with a selfish, abusive man nearly 6 weeks ago. Did NC & although it's been really really hard (tempted to call text EVERY DAY) i have thought about my kids & how i don't want them to witness such behaviour & watch me lose myself along the way... It IS hard, you WILL be tempted to contact but PLEASE think about the welfare of your children. You CAN do this!

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2015 12:00

I think there can be a kind of madness in some relationships, where you have these intense feelings about someone who is really awful. The only thing, in my experience, that works is to go cold turkey.

Give it a year of absolutely no contact - that means deleting all texts, phone numbers, references to him, photos - everything. Think of it as though he's heroin - you wouldn't keep the needles to remember it by, would you?

The other thing that works is every time you think of him, say to yourself "Fuck off, Name, fuck off out of my head." Do this every single time you think of him. Before too long when you think of him, that thought will pop up automatically. Just don't say out loud unless you're on your own!

Finola1step · 19/07/2015 12:03

You can not rescue this man.

The term violent sex is enough to keep you away.

Look up the Freedom Program.

LovelyFriend · 19/07/2015 12:06

You deserve so much better than this OP. Please focus on valuing yourself.

butterflygirl15 · 19/07/2015 12:18

also do some reading up on the cycle of abuse - the nice/nasty man. He is nice enough to keep you hooked and keep you going back after the nasty times. But the only acceptable level of abuse is none. Anything more than that you are selling yourself short.

And the violent sex - if this was against your will then I would be speaking to the police too quite frankly.

You need to protect yourself and your dc.

ALaughAMinute · 19/07/2015 12:41

I'm scared that I've got a really skewed version of what's right in a relationship.

And so you should be! Sorry OP, but if you want this man back you seriously need help! Go and talk to your GP and see if you can get some counselling - in the meantime, try to keep calm and don't do anything you may later regret.

Original poster
iwalkalonelyroad · 19/07/2015 13:20

Thank you, all of you

I am so close to texting him, just to say hello. But then I know I'll be anxious and stressed waiting for his response, if it ever comes

I do know what I need to do, I'm just not strong enough to do it by myself and I'm far too ashamed of my weakness to talk to RL friends

I need your handholding and support to help me through this, I miss him so much.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/07/2015 13:23

What exactly do you miss?

I'm serious. To us, he sounds horrible. Did he make you feel wanted? How do you reconcile that with him being unfaithful? Did he make you feel loved? How do you reconcile that with the violent sex?

You say he said nothing loving or romantic, so you must have been interpreting something in that way - what was it?

newstart15 · 19/07/2015 13:33

If you "made him your world" then you will need to rebuild your world without him.Its a painful transition, like going into detox but you have to recognise this was not a healthy relationship.He may have been charismatic but you need to see below the facade.Maybe you are adopting the rescuer role, trying to fix his childhood however that's not possible for you to do.

Try mindfulness and mantras that focus on bringing good people into your life.He has truly done you a favour.

butterflygirl15 · 19/07/2015 13:53

delete his number, block him on facebook and anywhere else. It is the only way.

Original poster
iwalkalonelyroad · 19/07/2015 13:57

I miss his company. I miss walking with him and his dog. I miss texting him, not that he ever replied very often.
I miss cuddling up to him on the sofa watching rubbish television and eating Maltesers
I miss him making me laugh, and although we hadn't kissed for ages, I miss that physical contact.
I miss the pet names we had for each other, and I miss thinking that we had a future together.
It might not add up to much in ' normal' relationship terms, but it meant a lot to me.

OP posts:
Purpleball · 19/07/2015 13:59

Do you think you were trying to fix him? I've tried to do that in the past. It's hard to let go because there's a tiny part of him that's good. Naively I though I was the person that could make him like that all the time. Instead I got hurt, lied to, messed around, disappointed, no sex and my self esteem took a long time to recover.

What would you say to your best friend if it were her? Or your daughter? Keep that thought in mind. Delete contact details, block his numbers.

MH issues or not, he doesn't get the right to treat you like this. Most people who have MH issues manage to be respectful to their partners as do people without issues. MH is a red herring in this case.

Stay strong and keep telling yourself you can do better, because you really can Smile

InTheBox · 19/07/2015 13:59

I wonder if you are actually pining after the sort of man he could be were it not for all his faults and abuse? It's almost like a false idol.

On the flip side are you perhaps more in love with the idea of being in love? As you say, you have raised two daughters successfully, have a good home and job so is a romantic relationship the 'missing' piece?

I could be wildly extrapolating but it sounds as though you do have a degree of insight, especially so when you say "If I was on the outside I would think I was an absolute idiot." This sort of thing is entirely irrational which makes it rational iyswim. How long has it been?

I suggest you keep busy and give it time. And don't keep picking away at the scar, let it heal with time. If you engage in some sort of on-off dance with him, then yes you will be back here totally shot of your confidence and self-esteem. Lucky escape and all that. I'd even urge you to consider whether this is the type of man you'd want your DDs to be in a relationship with.

LovelyFriend · 19/07/2015 14:04

It sounds like you are lonely and you would miss doing those things with anyone. That is understandable and human.

But do realise that it is about your loneliness and desire for more human contact, love and affection that it is about this particular person who you describe as selfish, violent, unfaithful and unloving towards you and who ignores you. You miss all these things and he uses your misplaced feelings to keep you at his beck and call for when he wants to use you.

It's not about HIM. These feeling are about you. Find someone who deserves to genuinely share some lovely times with you. But first spend some time building your self esteem up so you are better equipped to sift the arseholes from the genuine people.

springydaffs · 19/07/2015 14:21

Addicted to him. Look up codependency, go to CoDA.

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2015 14:47

It sounds awfully like an addiction. For every positive, there's at least one negative, isn't there?

Have you seen your relationship in that way before?

ShebaShimmyShake · 19/07/2015 15:41

If you were a businesswoman, you'd be throwing good money after bad. You were very emotionally invested and the reason you want him back is to try to avoid losing your investment. In this case, the investment is sunk, but you're out of a terrible situation - think of it as shithead removal tax. Don't chase after the customer you've lost and who makes you miserable anyway. Rebrand and find another one worth investing in. You deserve to be happy.

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