I think husband has a secret phone

[Louisa111]

I've just found a blackberry phone charger upstairs near dh computer, we both gave iPhones. It's obviously been used recently as never come across it before.
Now what would you do?? Confront or stay quiet??

I suspected last year he was having an affair with a work colleague , too many things didn't add up, I know they used to speak on the he phone ALOT and wasn't happy about it. At the time I used to just question, question, question which I know was wrong cause if he was he just got better at hiding it.

And now I've found this?? He got given a blackberry last year as a work phone, didn't want to use it and it just got put away in a drawer and tbh I forgot about it until now when I've found this charger!!

Now what would you do?? Confront, hide the charger or just say nothing in the hope I someday find this phone?? He's at work I found it when I was hoovering

Flip side

1. You have no evidence that he has cheated before.

1. You just found the charger for his work phone.

We have several chargers that came from different products but all have the same adaptor so I use H's Samsung charger for my Sony phone if needs be and when my charger cable stopped working, I started using the kindle one instead, so that could explain it.

HOWEVER.......I am a big believer in instinct. No matter how clever someone is being, they always give something away and often its not in ways we can define. Last year you had a "feeling" and that led you to question and question, that didnt happen for no reason. something wasnt right and you felt it. I had a similar experience, I just knew something wasnt right, but I oculdnt explain it. I asked and asked and got told I was paranoid, mad, depressed etc and he was happy to see me consider taking anti depressants I didnt needs whilst pregnant rather than admit that yes, he was cheating. Of course I did eventually find out and the relief it gave me was incredible. The anger it gave me was something to behold too because the cheating was bad enough but to leave me questioning my own mind and potentially taking uneeded drugs when pg just to cover his own arse was far far worse.

If you feel that there is something wrong then there is. His "thing" from last year may well be over now, but it is unresolved. If it wasnt then your first thought would not have been that he is cheating but "oh, he didnt mention he has a new phone...".

My micro charger charges loads of stuff, I personally wouldn't worry but if it will put your mind at ease, look at the blackberry.

Suspecting he had an affair with a colleague is the focus here, irrespective of whether he's using this BB or not.

Are you sure it's over?

Did he ever admit to anything more than speaking a lot on the phone?

OP: 'I found an unidentified phone charger'

Mumsnet: 'LTB and take your children with you'.

These are real people with real lives that you could mess up with terrible advice.

I use that charger for my Samsung phone, dp's Nokia, kindle, random kids tablet and ecig. They're also used for external hard drives and other things.

If you're this paranoid op I'd say your relationship is already in trouble whether he's cheating or not. Sorry.

If you feel that there is something wrong then there is

Not necessarily.

I often have a feeling have a feeling I will win the lottery but funnily enough never have so far.

Seriously though, is a bad feeling enough to LTB? Is a bad feeling evidence?

Let's not jump to conclusions and let's not give advice based on not much, really.

I've never had a feeling I would win the lottery.

There's a difference between a hunch and self-deception.

So a hunch always turns out to be true?
And you would be happy to tell someone to LTB based on a hunch?

I didnt say that she should LTB. I said that instinct is rarely wrong in these things, just as we can often tell when someone is lying or hiding something without really knowing why or how we know. You having wishful thinking isnt even vaguely close to that!

I said that there is clearly something unresolved from last year and it is my opinion that something was wrong then and because the OP has never had an answer as to what it was, it is still hanging over her, thats why her first reaction was to assume cheating. Whether that is still going on or not, that is the main issue right now and she needs to think about how she goes forward.

She may never find out what happened, whether she can live with that or not is her call to make.

I haven't told the OP to ltb.

I would tell someone who suspected her husband was having an affair with a work colleague, that he apparently didn't admit to, and that she doesn't know whether it's still going on or not that her marriage was in serious trouble.

Before you mention it, I would check every place I could think of (including his car) and a few places I couldn't. It's odd that this charger has just appeared if the BB has not been charged. I would keep quiet until I knew in my heart that if there was a secret device I would have found it and checked it right out ....Or...I would keep quiet and keep checking that BB in the drawer. Why is it buried so deep? Has he charged it so that he can start using it. Is it switched to silent. I certainly would not let him know at this early stage that you have seen and recognised that charger as alien OP. Watchful waiting is the only way to put your mind at rest 100% or if the alternative is true, at least you know. Keep yer powder dry OP

He might have taken the charger out of the drawer to get to something else. My DH leaves stuff lying around all over the place. Other than being bloody annoying, I didn't realise it was a sign of cheating too!

OP, if you're instincts tell you your DH has cheated/is cheating on you, you need to confront this. The fact that your first thought was "he has a secret phone" is a damning indictment of the state of your relationship and I feel sad for you.

I have loads of random charger leads knocking about the house. If I was rummaging through a drawer and found one, I might well take it out and leave it on the side in order to work out what it was for, and then wander off and forget about it.

Does that mean I'm having an affair?

I know nothing about your relationship but can tell you that my old BlackBerry charger is still in use for my current non-BlackBerry phone, DHs Android phone, Kindle, DDs tablet, DHs tablet, an old MP3 player....
The charger fits any device with a mini usb connector.

bogey knows what she's talking about.Go with your instinct.

Just Switch the BlackBerry on!

Take it from there

Another one supporting following your instinct. Listing all the devices that are compatible with this particular type of charger is irrelevant. You must explore your suspicions & understand why you have immediately reached for an affair being the answer when most other people wouldn't.

Maras thank you. Sadly you only have to read this board to see that "Something isnt right, he has changed" turns into something bad. Often its just a hunch "I felt I needed to check his phone, never done that before....." because of the subtle hints that people we know well are not aware they are giving out.

90% of the time it is extra marital stuff and the rest is addiction/finance/family related.

I wish I could say, every time I read a thread about hunches or instinct or a feeling, that its probably nothing, but tbh 99.9% of the time it is something and only 0.1% is it paranoia.

And may I add that 99.9% of the paranoia cases have been caused by previous in the marriage.

How you feel indicates something is wrong.

The question is, is that something you, or him!

My instincts were dead wrong in the first few years if me and DH. They were based on fears and an an ex. I never trusted my instincts (still don't) because I was proved wrong in trusting before and paid the price.

DH knew my past and didn't take it personally and was patient and understanding. If he'd been on MN he'd have been told to LTB numerous times

Difference is. The OP knows her DH has form and doesn't trust him because of it. So the question is, can she trust him again? Only time will tell. Of course she'll be doubting him and I go against the grain as I am a firm believer in snooping. If I wasn't then I'd have never learnt to trust again. DH and I will tell you the snooping was worth it.

If he hadn't of understood that then he'd not have been right for me or me for him. The snooping stopped donkeys years ago.

So to anyone feeling guilty about snooping, I'll stand up and afraid you and tell you do do whatever you have to for you.

I think if he has not used his phone for a while charge it and switch it on.
If there is a problem, you will see when he suddenly asks you for the charger. He will become defensive.

Once you can get into the phone, you can check call log etc.

Just a quick update, I put charger back and wound lead round the charger so is know if it's been touched. It's still there u touched.

Also I checked phone, dead as a doornail!!
We do have issues, I have massive trust issues as he has been known to lie to me. I was lead to believe end of last year that he hadn't seen/ spoken to her since she moved offices. However I found out March of this year, it was a lie. They do still speak ( just 'business') as was so gutted he had lied to me. It was to protect me as I really used to kick off about her. I am finding it hard to move on from this and do find mysrkf checking every little thing. I never really got to the bottom of anything last year, I couldn't prove anything but my biggest mistake was to confront every little suspicion at the time rather than just sit and wait. I know the smart thing would've been to just be quiet and hope he tripped himself up massively but of course he never did.

Now he could be telling me the truth, nothing was going on or he is a lying bastard. Unfortunately I may never find out!!!