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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My first Al anon

53 replies

jugglingmonkey · 18/07/2015 00:01

I did it, and it was okay. I didn't say much, and felt a bit of a fraud, some people there in it far worse than me.

But tonight DH has done it again. He has been out drinking all day, promised me he'd be home by 9.30pm, still no sign. I called him and he just mouthed off at me about 'hounding him with bullshit'.

This is on the back of many many many episodes of a similar nature. We have 18 month old DS and I'm pregnant. I've recently been off work with stress/anxiety.

The last time we fell out about his drinking was Tuesday.

What do I need to do next? He has clearly got no respect whatsoever for me or my boundaries anymore. Booze is priority no.1, very evidently.

Things were so bad earlier this week we even discussed separation. He came home with flowers, grovelling, 'I can't be without you'. Three fucking days later here we are.

Is a trial separation the only thing that will send a clear message?

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 18/07/2015 01:13

I'll leave aside the 'I love him' for you to think about a bit more. Just ask yourself in the wee small hours if you hear his key in the door these days and feel pleased and/or excited - or a little sick.

On the other points, is he still holding down a job? How long do you think that that's going to be for in today's climate? And if something went wrong with that, you would really be financially screwed.

And the only likelihood at the moment is that your DCs will grow up with a drunkard to 'look up to'.

...I thought we were made of stronger stuff... (I'm ignoring that because you are strong. Probably too strong for him which has helped you to keep it going for this long.)

Does he drive a car by the way?

TiredAssShowgirl · 18/07/2015 01:16

Growing up with an alcoholic father is horrible. Really, really horrible. Growing up with a mother who has given up and accepts it is worse.

We got my dad back, eventually, but the damage to us and my mother was done long, long before. I would have preferred it if he'd died before i knew him, than grow up with him, but then have him sober, now.

Ultimatum, mean it, follow through. AA and sober. No choice, no chance. Instant or out. And if he goes off on a bender to 'deal with it', he comes back to somewhere else and earns you back, should you want him.

He doesn't drink because his life is so hard, he doesn't drink because people don't understand him, he doesn't drink because of you, he drinks because he is an alcoholic. It's his problem to fix not yours.

Rock bottom is when the last thing you lost, or the next thing you are about to lose means more than the next drink. If you never lose anything, you'll never start coming back up.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 18/07/2015 01:18

He holds down a job, yep, a fairly senior well paid one.
He's great in every way except this. Oh, and we never have sex, but that's a different story. Perhaps I'm in love with what we had not very long ago, rather than who he is now.

Financially, I hold down a decent job four days a week but it's central London and I have no savings. The mortgage is in his name and he paid the deposit. He's 15 years my senior. Old enough to know better.

OP posts:
WixingMords · 18/07/2015 01:19

Jugglingmonkey I get that you really want the outcome to be he stops drinking and you stay together, I really do, but you can't bank on it, and you can't give him another chance because that's what you want, because if he knows you'll never actually leave him alcohol will always come first.

I am happier in life now because I no longer have a husband who drinks and all the shit that surrounds it, and that's achieved by his quitting or your leaving

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 18/07/2015 01:24

Is there a definition of an alcoholic? He can just about go a day or two without a drink, tops.

He is straight in the fridge after work, 1, 2, 3 drinks...

He drinks on his own, sometimes heavily, or while out with me while I've been pregnant/not drinking

He absolutely does not know when to stop

He can be verbally abusive when drunk

He has often passed out on public transport drunk

He essentially forgets me when he is drinking. No 'I'll be home late/later than planned' calls or texts. He says he gets over excited.

He has admitted that he's not comfortable with his drinking habits

OP posts:
Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 18/07/2015 01:27

Wixing, you are totally right. I do intend to give him this ultimatum.

Tomorrow I am on a hen do (I really ought to sleep), and he is taking DS to his parents. I was due to stay there tomorrow night too but I don't think I can face them/put a brave face on it.

I think the conversation might have to wait until Sunday. It'll be all I can do not to stonewall him tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 18/07/2015 01:31

Will he drink while he is responsible for DS? And is he driving to his parents?

I think you're right - you need to have that conversation as soon as possible.

WixingMords · 18/07/2015 01:35

No there's no real definition, there's the classic one of a person drinking in the morning, but thats not the only one. It does however make people believe they are fine because they don't swig out of a vodka bottle as soon as they wake up. Alcoholics are brilliant at denial

My husband could not drink for 'ages' (that'd be a week) but when he did drink he'd not stop, only the inability to buy more ended it. He'd drink everyday for weeks on end other times and live off the glory of the week he didnt to justify it. He'd take any excuse, any reason to drink too.

WixingMords · 18/07/2015 01:47

For what it's worth I gave my ultimatum not long before I went away for a week. I did tell him the morning after could no longer live like this and things had to change he wallowed/recovered from his hangover from the entire day and nighg, and the day after that spoke frankly.

There's never going to be an ideal time

textfan · 18/07/2015 01:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 18/07/2015 06:57

Ultimatum issued.

He doesn't remember anything. Very regretful this morning. But I've told him its drink, or me and the children.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 18/07/2015 07:17

How did he take it? Hope you can have a distraction on the hen do.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 18/07/2015 07:34

He hasn't said much. He's apologised, says he knows this is not okay, but he doesn't even remember speaking to me last night.

I'm getting ready now and he's taking DS out. I've told him I won't be going to his folks later either.

OP posts:
illequipped · 18/07/2015 07:34

I'm were you are but 20yrs in, 2 teenage DCs, wishing Id left years ago. DH is a functional alcholic. Has only gone about 8 days in all the time ive known him without a drink. DS is in counselling due to his relationship with his dad. DH has just been done for drink driving - the morning after the night before. He couldnt go more than 4 days without drinking after he was arrested.

I stayed due to similar reasons that you have said, mainly the financial one but with hindsight, id rather have lived in a smaller house, have an older car, than the years of verbal aggression, trying to judge his mood, thinking that he would eventually choose me over the drink etc and Id be saving myself a shitful of money in counselling fees.

It has to be your choice at the end of the day, but do what is right for you and your DCs, not him. He doesnt deserve your loyalty.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 18/07/2015 07:48

I really mean it. I've stayed reasonably calm this morning and while there's a niggling doubt that I'm being too hard on him (crazy I know), I know that this has to be done.

The reality is that I have a very strong family living locally who would support me to the end, and his probably would too if push came to shove.

Financially I'd imagine I'm entitled to at least some of this house, and I work 4 days on a good salary. I could/would cope.

I'm hopeful he will do the right thing by us. In his head though I know he won't see what the 'big deal' is. All his mates/colleagues drink, so 'what's her problem...'

OP posts:
WixingMords · 18/07/2015 07:53

Well done, not an easy thing to do, but this is the beginning. He's more than likely still worse for wear right now, but how was he about it?

Have you looked up AA your area? Later go to him again and give him the weres and whens of the meetings, they'll need to be part of it. Or support of some sort. He can not claim he'll do it alone, he can't it's too big.

The chances are he'll choose you, In as much as saying so, but going to AA will be an actual action he'll have to take far more meaningful to him than just saying the words to you.

If he does go to AA, You'll have to decide for yourself how long a period, if any time at all, you have before you'll give a chance to go sober. It's not unusually for an alcoholic to go have a night where they drinkagain . Im talking months here not weeks, so if he goes sober and in six months has a night of drinking again what are you going to do? I don't mean this as something you'll tell him btw just decide in your head, is he allowed one night of a slip up in six months?

junebirthdaygirl · 18/07/2015 08:01

He doesn't have to agree with you. You know it's too much for you. Also if it makes you feel any better about asking him to leave you are doing the right thing for him. He needs to get the full whack of the consequences of his drinking as propping him up does him no favours. Get one or two sentences like l can't deal with it anymore or lm not prepared to live like this. Don't engage in any big drama or he will talk you out of it. He has options. Go to rehab. Go to AA. But that's up to him not you. It's not easy but he definitely won't change if his circumstances don't change. Remember all alcoholics blame their spouses and by your description he is an alcoholic no question. I really hope things get better for you

WixingMords · 18/07/2015 08:12

Yes he will, that's why he needs to know an ultimatum, no compromise. All his friends drink because he drinks and that's how he chose them.

My timeline was massive booze up Saturday night, spoke to him Monday, told him he would have to go to AA and I was going to speak to his parents (he asked me not to) Monday morning I went through it again (he slept in spare room) and his first meeting Monday night.

in my head I had one night in six months for him to slip up. But that was going to be it.

Living without the resentment and anger is a far better life, without moment of cozietosie the key in the door in the week hours horrible feeling. You'll get thst either way though

LucilleLeSueur · 18/07/2015 08:26

Another child of an alcoholic father here. My mother was herself the daughter of an alcoholic, and repeated the pattern of screaming rows, crying to me in the night, picking him up from hospital/ pubs/ friends' houses. Sending us into the pub with his suitcase while he was on a binge. Covering up the drink-driving report in the paper. Up until i finished university i used to ring him from pay phones to wake him up for work.
I love my dad, and we're close now, but I had a miserable childhood. I felt sick every time I heard the key in the lock. I missed him. I was ashamed of him. And I feel huge resentment towards my mother, especially now I'm a mother myself.

No amount of love is worth coming second to booze, OP. My dad loved us hugely, but he was a slave to the drink.

I may have issues Wink

WixingMords · 18/07/2015 08:32

Uh! My typing is terrible;

"Living without the resentment and anger is a far better life, without that moment thatcozietosie mentioned the key in the door in the wee hours horrible feeling. You'll get that either way though"

Anniegetyourgun · 18/07/2015 08:38

He's taking DS out, you say - not with him driving I hope? If he had a skinful last night he won't be fit to drive today.

Not seeing there is a problem is the biggest problem of all.

pocketsaviour · 18/07/2015 10:03

OP, could you make a couple of free half-hour appointments with local solicitors and find out where you would stand financially in the event of divorce?

Assuming you would be the primary resident parent, you should get at least 50% of the house value. It's irrelevant who's on the mortgage as you are married.

cozietoesie · 18/07/2015 11:19

Well done. That won't have been at all easy.

It sounds as if you're already dissociating from him emotionally - he's now heading towards being a 'problem' and not a 'partner'.

Do you have respect for him any longer?

textfan · 18/07/2015 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 18/07/2015 23:29

So, we've just caught up, I've been out all day.

He's said that he is going to quit drinking. He's said it seems to be the root of 'most' problems between us and if he quits then we'll know if there are other problems. I can't help but feel a bit like he is suggesting there are other reasons for our marriage troubles... He has however said this before, so I'm not surprised.

He doesn't seem overly positive about any of this, and I'm not feeling very optimistic. But I have to give him the benefit of the doubt I suppose.

OP posts: