I think I want to come off the Pill but....

[namechangeforobviousreasons]

Condoms didn't work for us, and i can't bear the thought of a more invasive contraception such as coil etc.

Well, I've been on the Pill for 2 years now but dp & i aren't even having sex. (Only 1 or 2 attempts.)

Number of reasons: A huge drop in confidence sexually (for both of us), one or other of us usually knackered (esp as we usually hit the sack rather late)/not in the mood/ill, a big drop in my libido in particular, basically feel stuck in a rut.

We have made a bit of an effort, we are generally very physically affectionate, cuddle on the sofa, lots of stroking etc in bed, have tried candle lit meals, taking a bath together etc, but just seem completely unable to take it to the next level.

Before I went on the Pill I remember I was generally pretty horny (having got over the childbirth/early months of motherhood etc) but we weren't "doing it" because of the contraception issue (having got pg accidentally before neither of us wanted to take any risks). I was gagging for it but now I'm just not bothered, apart from the fact that i wish we were iykwim.

He is an absolute angel, he doesn't put any pressure on me at all, doesn't complain about it etc. when we have talked about it he seems to feel identical to how I feel! (Lack of confidence being the biggie in his case.)

Anyway, so now it's been two years that I've been on the Pill i really want to come off it. I didn't want to go on it in the first place, and my blood pressure is higher than it should be, plus high blood pressure etc runs in my family and I know I should be careful about it. It seems like such a waste to put my health at risk when we're not actually getting anything out of it...

But, if I come off the Pill it'll make it even harder for us to actually make the leap into a sex life iykwim... And how do I broach this subject with dp? He might think it is the end of any hope of a sex life!

maybe coming off the pill will help with your sex drive. i was on depo injection and thought i was fine til i came off it to have ds2 and realised all the problems i had had, no sex drive, being dry etc was all down to that, and now we just use condoms. I would sit dh down and just explain to him how it is affection your body and that you no longer want to stop taking it, but also be willing to discuss with him alternative contraception as well, maybe get some leaflets from doctors. Would you be able to get a babysitter to have the children over night as that may make it bit easier to sit and discuss it.

Synthetic hormones can definately effect your sex drive - my libido only returned after having the Mirena coil removed. Condoms don't work for us either - your only other choices appear to be the snip, non hormone-coil or the diaphragm. Not a great choice really! Or abstinance. But you may find that may be more tricky once you are off the Pill!!

I have just had the non-hormone coil fitted and tbh the procedure is no worse then having a smear. It is the usual humiliating/embarrassing/lying back and thinking of England experience that any exam of the nether regions is but there is no pain and only some discomfort. The wonder of modern non-hormone coils is that they last 10 (yes ten) years so once it is in you forget about it. It is completely inert and very safe. HTH

Callisto how does that coil work then, have been thinking bout the coil for bout 2 years but havent been able to bring myself to make the appointment. Cant go on the pill as it affects my weight, blood pressure and i forget to take it and the depo injection was fine til i came off it and realised that i had had lots of problems on it, so we just use condoms now. Just wondering if that coil would suit me?

hm, i wonder about the coil too.
tbh I already really resent having to go and see the doctor (i used to be quite phobic before dd) to renew the Pill as it is, so having something fitted "in there" would be even worse. I've never ever even had a smear test though i keep meaning to go .

My dsis has i think the Mirena coil? She has to go back for checks etc, and one time it went a bit wrong & she had to have it replaced. She was also in pain for a bit at the beginning. I really don't want to do that at all, but is the coil you're talking about something different to that?

I think I do have to talk to him about it properly. If I bang on about health issues, I know he would 100% understand. I'm just worried it'll make him feel a bit miserable and what will happen to our already non-existant sex life then (oh and btw neither of us are keen on oral - well, he's not anyway in case anyone was wondering!).

It's hard to tell sometimes if my lack of libido is really due to the Pill or if it's just life iykwim - tiredness, being a mum, relationship getting older and all that. All I know is, I remember before the Pill lying in bed every time he was here feeling frustrated because he had fallen asleep! Like I said, now I'm really not bothered.

PS Does anyone know anything about the male Pill and when that is going to be available?

Snipperty snip? Do you want more children?

I felt the pill obliterated my libido (this was prior to children) and felt much better in many ways after coming off of it and >ahem< libido returned. I tried the pill again after having DS1 and it made me feel so awful (psychotic almost) I would never go on it again.

Is that you Floatinginthemoonlitsky?

Sorry couldn't resist!

oh dear, lol, Ive done that before.

we wont tell anyone .

So have I !

MrsSpoon, interesting what you say.
I find it hard to assess whether my moods etc are down to the Pill. I definitely have mood swings, but pretty much monthly, I know the Pill is not supposed to give you PMT but it does seem like it for me. Not as severe as PMT used to be for me, but enough to bother me. In the first few months I see now I was all over the place with it.

It's so long since my hormones were normal iykwim. Pregnant - then tried the mini-pill while b'feeding but came off it after a few months because i was constantly slightly bleeding - then had about a month's break after weaning dd before I started the combined Pill.

I really, really want to get back to being the Real Me, hormonally. (Will dread the real PMT though!)

TBH I think the only way you would know would be to come off the pill for a while and see if you feel any better for it. This is what I decided to do and felt like a new woman once off the pill, I was really surprised how different I felt, only thing is I went from someone who didn't want children to someone very broody but I don't know if that was at all connected. After having DS1 I let the practice nurse talk me into taking the pill again and I felt awful.

oh dear I already have broody phases even though I'm on the Pill as it is! The only thing that puts me off is the fear of pregnancy/childbirth/few few months of hell but maternal broodiness usually manages to overlook that stuff doesn't it!

Maybe that could be a start, a good compromise - not saying never but just asking for 6 months or something to see how it makes me feel & to see what happens to my blood pressure.

I feel a bit silly really because I am talking and feeling like boyf wld be pissed off if i come off the Pill, but that's not the case at all, like I said he would fully understand and always did say it was my body, my choice!

I have recently stopped using contraception completely as the hormones were playing havoc with my body. I became very moody, put on loads of weight (which I cannot seem to lose!!) lost my sex drive completely. I was a mess!!! Now six weeks on and I feel great. My body feels normal again. I am not moody anymore, and don't burst into tears for stupid reasons like my dh hasn't put a piece of rubbish in the bin (yes, we had this row a lot)

Hormones are a pain.

hm. i'm not as bad as that, i hardly ever burst into tears (though get tearful about stupid things like neighbours !) I can be irritable & unresponsive though.

But i do go off on a "rant" in my head (usually around PMT time) that does my head in, and it is really difficult at the time to try & be rational & objective. It'll be about whatever is going on in my life at the time. Sometimes it'll feel like the world is ending & i'll never be happy again but the following week I'll be back to normal and wondering what the hell i was worrying about! Thing is, normal PMT used to affect me a bit like that too although not as mentally iykwim (not as much thinking but could be cos i've more time to think now), added to that a sleepless night, binge eating & menstrual pains, all of which i don't get now! Also, i do have a lot of time on my hands to think now so again, hard to say if the Pill causes it.

I had exactly the same problem. The pill was the best contraceptive we could have had; all I wanted was a nice cup of tea.
Not many people consider it, but I think that the diaphragm is wonderful.

I found the pill didn't do much good for my libido either. Now I'm all natural (+ coil) our sex life is better than ever , even with a 2 & 4yo. I'd go for the coil again any time. It really is the best contraceptive I've ever had. It's a few minutes discomfort as they insert it (but hey compared to childbirth its a doddle ) and then no more contraceptive worries for 5 years!

MrsSpoon - fake hormones also made me psychotic - I am much nicer now!!

So you really didn't have to go back for a check up? I'm sure my sister did... and she also talks about having to check it's still in place after every period.

Am starting to feel tempted though, perhaps i will consider it! Will talk properly to sis again too.

namechange: I really feel for you. The pill has always totally stripped me of my sex drive. I think my sex drive is HEAVILY dependent on me ovulating.

The problem with things like the diaphragm and barrier methods is that they aren't much use for people who are struggling with sex confidence issues because the moments where you are struggling to get it in the right place, things can go to pot.

I would come off the pill if it is making you feel crap and try to work a sex life around everything APART from penetrative sex. This might be good for his confidence as well as yours. Then once you are in the position (as it were) of being able/wanting to have penetrative sex, you can make the decisions about contraception then.

You don't HAVE to be using contraception. You don't HAVE to have penetrative sex to have a sex life.

Yes. That might be a good approach, mp. I don't remember feeling so unconfident before I was on the Pill, so i kind of imagine in my mind that the confidence will come back once I just feel horny iykwim, i would then be going with the flow instead of feeling like, right, got to make an effort! Although that's assuming the same thing happens to boyf of course but he's not the one on the Pill! ... I do know he wants me to take a bit of control, I think he's afraid of rejection but that doesn't help because I feel the same way.

namechange: it is very difficult when things are like that

Sex lives can go through good months and crap months just like the rest of your relationship Doesn't mean it's always going to be like that. Peaks and troughs and all that.

Once your libido has returned, you might feel able to approach bf and maybe just wanting him to satisfy you (i.e. just being happy with some sex which doesn't involve him performing - well not THOSE bits anyway) - getting into the swing of that sort of non-demanding sex might really help him to get some confidence back in his own ability to satisfy you in other ways

Good luck anyway, I hope things improve.