Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else's DH largely ignore them?

51 replies

MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 10:11

I have been married for nearly 10 years. DH has never been a great talker, he's fine with his workmates, but quite shy in company. He has never been one to open up about what is going on in his head, and he is a complete mystery to me most of the time.

He goes to work, comes home, has dinner, watches TV, goes to bed. He never goes out with his friends or does anything on his own.

So we spend a lot of time together… in silence. Or me talking and him grunting. It came to a head 2 nights ago, we went out for dinner and - not only did he not talk to me all evening - he only actually made eye contact with me 4 times. Over the course of an evening when we were sat opposite each other. He said he was stressed because the kids were being a bit restless.

But it was the same yesterday. We were together all day and evening, but the only time he spoke to me was to remind me to pay for my car rental. That's it. Sometimes I ask him a question and he answers "Who?" and is clearly not listening. It's like he's in a world of his own.

Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. We don't have any friends nearby and I can go weeks without talking to anybody, except Facebook and Mumsnet. I feel so isolated, like I'm in a bubble. It's horrible. I'm not sure if I can take another 10 years of this.

Is anyone else in this situation?

OP posts:
Nabootique · 15/07/2015 10:14

That sounds awful. Obviously you have tried talking to him, but have you tried talking to him about his lack of talking? You can't carry on like this Flowers

googoodolly · 15/07/2015 10:15

That sounds so sad Sad

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 10:23

I've tried talking to him, but nothing changes.

OP posts:
purplemurple1 · 15/07/2015 10:24

Mine can get like this normally if he is stressed with work or we have a lot to get done at home. We make a point of having dinner just the two of us after the kids are in bed once a week when we can really talk. Also we have a daily jobs rota and an ongoing list of jobs each of us is responsible for this means we don't end up discussing this during the weekly meal and can talk about other stuff.
Sometimes we have to remind each other to talk in the evenings and get off mn etc.

How old are your kids could you join something together so you have something to talk about? Or even a hobby each or one of your own?

Nabootique · 15/07/2015 10:28

What does he say in response to your concerns? I understand what purple is saying, it's easy for communication to slip during hard times, but it sounds like your problem is ongoing and all the time, OP?

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 10:30

I think he just finds me incredibly boring Sad.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 15/07/2015 10:30

does he talk to/interact with the children?

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 10:39

He does interact a lot more with the kids, pocketsaviour. Our eldest is a bit of a handful though, so he tells him off quite a lot, as do I. So it can be quite stressful.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 15/07/2015 10:44

OK, so it's not that he can't talk, it's just that he doesn't with you. That's so sad, and must be very upsetting for you.

Where do you see things going? Do you think you would be happier alone, or is leaving not an option for you?

If you want to try to stick it out, would it be feasible for you to go back to work, or look for some volunteering opportunities? At least then you would be out and meeting people and having conversations with other adults.

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 10:48

I can't leave. Otherwise trust me, I would go.

OP posts:
absolutelynotfabulous · 15/07/2015 10:54

Sounds awful, OP. Just wondering: does he actually show an interest in you personally at all? Or is he just silent on everything?

I used to be a bit like this if I was very stressed at work BUT I was still able to talk about it to my dp. I couldn't have talked about random stuff because I wouldn't have had the energy.

Is there more to this silence perhaps? My dp ignores me completely, but takes an active interest in other things and is very talkative when it suits.

Is he silent in an ignorant way iyswim?

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 10:56

He's not really interested in me, no. He is happy when I'm earning money, but that's about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 10:57

Not arrogant, just absent.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 15/07/2015 11:01

Why can't you leave? he is going to destroy you

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 11:03

Because I would have to leave the DC behind and I am not prepared to do that.

OP posts:
purplemurple1 · 15/07/2015 11:07

Why so you think he would get custody or do you mean you are an expat?

lavenderhoney · 15/07/2015 11:15

Why can't you leave without the DC, how old are they? Is the tension affecting your ds?

not talking and refusing to discuss anything is awful. Nothing can be resolved. You don't sound boring, you sound exhausted with life as it is- do you have any friends nearby you can speak to? Anyone friendly at school when you do drop off/ pick up?

absolutelynotfabulous · 15/07/2015 11:39

You sound very much like me, OP. DP turned out to be cheating, and has probably been doing it for a while. He was avoiding me, pure and simple. But he still talks about other stuff.

I'd be most worried about the lack of eye contact.Add in the silence then the unwillingness to discuss things...mmmm....I reckon guilt.

Are you sleeping together Op?

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 11:40

I don't do the school run. And yes, I'm an expat so can't leave with my kids.

I think he loves me, I also think he finds me boring. We don't have anything in common. I've put on so much weight and am unrecognisable from when we met. We are very seldom intimate.

DS is hard work. He is an entitled drama queen who dominates our household. I love him dearly, but he is so difficult at times. Actually, most of the time. I know DH finds it hard, also.

OP posts:
purplemurple1 · 15/07/2015 14:29

How about staying in the country but splitting with you dp. Can you stay legally/financially on your own?

How old are your kids and has ds got special needs (sorry if that's not the right term) ? Do you have any particular help from the school, dr etc with dealing with him?

I'm also an expat so know some of the issues.

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 14:34

We could split up, although we are stretched to the limit financially, so it would be difficult to run 2 households.

No, no SN. Just incredibly entitled and flies into a rage whenever you say "no" to him. He has always been the same.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 15/07/2015 14:44

Have you ever thought that it's your husband that's the incredibly boring one?

Did he ever talk much and now he's stopped, or was he always like this?

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 14:52

He's never been a great talker, Twinkelstein. Although when he is with his colleagues he is different.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 15:33

… I've been thinking a bit more about what you said Twinklestein. Maybe he is the boring one. He certainly never wants to do anything. He always says "we can't afford it" which is true, but when free things come up, he doesn't want to do them either.

OP posts:
SuperBeeRecharged · 15/07/2015 16:39

My husband is very similar. If i try to talk to him about why things are that way, he says everything is fine. I don't know if that's just the way he is, or if he lost interest. I feel lonely just like u and try to socialise wherever i can to fill that gap.