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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else's DH largely ignore them?

51 replies

MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 10:11

I have been married for nearly 10 years. DH has never been a great talker, he's fine with his workmates, but quite shy in company. He has never been one to open up about what is going on in his head, and he is a complete mystery to me most of the time.

He goes to work, comes home, has dinner, watches TV, goes to bed. He never goes out with his friends or does anything on his own.

So we spend a lot of time together… in silence. Or me talking and him grunting. It came to a head 2 nights ago, we went out for dinner and - not only did he not talk to me all evening - he only actually made eye contact with me 4 times. Over the course of an evening when we were sat opposite each other. He said he was stressed because the kids were being a bit restless.

But it was the same yesterday. We were together all day and evening, but the only time he spoke to me was to remind me to pay for my car rental. That's it. Sometimes I ask him a question and he answers "Who?" and is clearly not listening. It's like he's in a world of his own.

Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. We don't have any friends nearby and I can go weeks without talking to anybody, except Facebook and Mumsnet. I feel so isolated, like I'm in a bubble. It's horrible. I'm not sure if I can take another 10 years of this.

Is anyone else in this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 17:02

Sorry you're going though the same thing, SuperBeeRecharged. It's miserable, isn't it

OP posts:
bittapitta · 15/07/2015 17:09

What led you to marry him? How did you get to know each other if he doesn't talk and he has always "been a mystery" to you? Sorry, that sounds accusatory but I'm trying to get you to think back to when things might have been different and consider (if or) when they changed.

What would happen if you asked him to leave rather than the other way around?

noneintended · 15/07/2015 17:23

HELLO everyone, especially MarchelineWhatNot. Your hubby is abusing you, just because it is not physical, the results end up the same, you are hurting!

Forgive me for being blunt and as my name suggests, no disrespect to you. You sound lovely and incredibly lost and lonely. I wont talk about myself but i do know that place you are residing.
Weight can be lost and to be honest people who are unhappy either go one way with situations or another.
Do you have access to money regularly? you say you are not working and your hubby is only happy if you are earning, well, money is not everything and i think being there for your children and keeping home is a full time job in itself, not always well rewarded and looked down on especially by a lot of working hubbies...Sad i know!
Personally i think you need to stop trying to engage your hubby and keep the focus on making YOU happy.
If you have to say NO to him, well, i am sorry but if someone doesn't give you the respect and notice you so deserve then a small form of rejection is well justified.

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 17:31

Yeah, he was nowhere near this bad when we got together. Maybe he's just got bored with me over the years…

OP posts:
ForNowIsTheTime · 15/07/2015 17:37

I think he just finds me incredibly boring

He sounds like the most boring person in the universe. Don't put yourself down.

Keep posting.

InTheBox · 15/07/2015 17:41

Marcheline I don't think anyone's marriage is the same hotbed of lust as when they first got together but equally what you describe doesn't sound like the natural evolution of a marriage's peaks and troughs or even just nicely plodding along.
If you can't leave, as you say, then are you resigned to a life like this? Have you brought up this issue with him? You being an expat doesn't necessarily mean that you have to stay in the same household as him. How are you financially as an individual?

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 15/07/2015 17:47

InTheBox, we are struggling financially and I know that really worries him.

OP posts:
bittapitta · 15/07/2015 18:24

Why, when it's his bad behaviour, do you keep saying it's you who is boring?! He is being boring, rude, obnoxious, borderline abusive. Genuinely.

lavenderhoney · 16/07/2015 06:02

If he won't go and do things, can you go alone? What about outings with the Dc? Are there expat clubs or groups you could join?

How long have you been expats and do you plan a return to the UK? You said he likes you earning - would you like to work? What country are you in?

He sounds pretty boring to me. You sound a bit trapped. and him refusing to duscuss and shouting at you is awful.

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 16/07/2015 08:09

Thanks lavenderhoney, I do need to be a bit more independent and do stuff on my own and with the DC. Maybe if he sees us having fun, he'll want to join in?

By the way, it's not DH that flies into rages, it's DS.

OP posts:
absolutelynotfabulous · 16/07/2015 08:29

You DO sound very trapped. I agree with taking up a hobby for yourself. Hope that doesn't sound trite. I took up a hobby a few years ago (choir) and it transformed my life.

I think, in general, the less one depends on others for validation, the easier it is to deal with their unpleasantness.

lavenderhoney · 16/07/2015 12:00

Definetly do lots of fun exercise stuff with the DC. It's good for all of you and you'll make friends.

Look at getting your ds into rugby if you can or a team sport where the male role models are good. It gives him focus and may help him.

The other option is a family counsellor you can see for help, but if money is tight the school might have someone or failing that you could post on here under parenting for some help and ideas to manage your ds, and his temper with you.

Your dh- you can't change him but you can change your life a bit and make it more bearable. Sorry, I read it was your dh who shouted!

What2do1984 · 16/07/2015 13:38

this sounds just like my husband. in fact I told him yesterday he wouldnt even notice if I wasnt here his response " yea ok thanks" he too doesnt open up to me about his problems but I know he talks to his sisters about them. whenever I try and make conversation he is usually staring at the tv or at his newspaper and I have to ask him 3/4 times before I get an answer. its really putting a strain on our relationship as I feel like he is shutting me out .

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 16/07/2015 17:45

Sorry you are going through this too, What2do1984.

OP posts:
MamaMotherMummy · 16/07/2015 17:57

Are you sure he does not have depression?

FunnyNameHere · 16/07/2015 18:02

Thanks lavenderhoney, I do need to be a bit more independent and do stuff on my own and with the DC. Maybe if he sees us having fun, he'll want to join in?

^^ This. Definitely.

I'm sorry you've put on weight and are "unrecognisable". Is that an honest assessment or are you depressed/seeing it negatively? That must make you feel more vulnerable than usual. Is there a reason you've gained weight? Medication? Depression? Living with a mute??

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 16/07/2015 19:43

Is there a reason you've gained weight? Medication? Depression? Living with a mute??

Shit, that made me laugh Grin !!!

OP posts:
What2do1984 · 16/07/2015 19:55

you do need to get the DC out yourself , I do and although I do feel lonely its not fair on them to be stuck in because misery guts its well a mishog who wants to sit in his own world.

^^^ downside to this , financialy its straining for me as I have to pay for the days out. Also think people think we are separated aa we are very rarely seen together as a family.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/07/2015 21:42

Oh Op this does sound very sad

And I agree that HE sounds like the boring one.

BobbyDazzler1 · 16/07/2015 22:01

Depression can leave folks uncommunicative and distracted. You say he's very worried about money. Just how stressed about this is he? Anxiety is a form of depression....
It doesn't excuse his behaviour but may explain it. Also there might be a way forward if he addresses this.
Poor you though Flowers

aspergersrus · 16/07/2015 22:11

forgive me if I am way off the mark here but perhaps he has autism/aspergers syndrome. People with autism do find eye contact and small talk difficult. They tend to be very pragmatic and can appear emotionless. Your son could also have special needs which might explain some of his difficulties. My son has aspergers and his needs dominate our household

titchinatrance · 16/07/2015 22:18

It feels from here as though he is the boring one. You make an effort to connect with him, he doesn't respond. What sort of relationship is that? You may as well be Shirley Valentine talking to the wall. Presumably he communicates with his colleagues because he has a persona he wants to project to them, but he doesn't need to make any effort with you because he HAS you. Please think about making serious changes to your life before he makes you disappear altogether. Hug.

starsinthenight · 16/07/2015 22:32

Yes - I am in your situation OP. I feel for you very very much. It's not great at all. In fact it is awful. Very hard for people in RL to understand how utterly lonely it is when on the outside you seem to "have it all".

I have written and just deleted a VERY long post with similarities. All v negative, and so not helpful. But ...

...end of May I really really was at the stage when I could take such a lonely marriage no more. I started researching divorce lawyers Sad. 1st June I took myself into my own hands and went on a strict diet and cut out the wine (which I would rely on to numb everything out ...). I started exercising. I decided in the absence of anyone putting me 1st (DH, parents, etc) I would just have to do it myself. Got exercising. Did fun stuff with kids.

In a month I have lost a stone, found a bit of my old spark, and have been bolstering-up my self-esteem. I also googled some of my DH's symptoms and they seem to match those for aspergers - no eye contact, inability to read emotions, finds communication hard, highly intelligent etc - although I would never seek to find a proper diagnosis for him.

Now I feel more in control of me, I am stronger to deal with our relationship, rather than just being angry and resentful. I have gently opened up some dialogue, and am planning on plenty more. I just realise to do this I need to be bolstered-up internally myself. Funnily enough being in control of my food is really helping, and giving me something to really focus on.

I really don't mean to preach. I just feel for you so much. By posting on here you have shown you already have some inner strength. Reach deep. You are worth more than you are receiving. When you believe it yourself 1st, then others will follow. Flowers

starsinthenight · 16/07/2015 22:35

X-post with aspergersrus. Very interesting what you say about your son.

lavenderhoney · 17/07/2015 00:11

Staying home incase total strangers or acquaintances think you aren't a family is not helping you. You have no idea what they are thinking. And they might not be having a cool time anyway. People put in a great show, sometimes.

Your dh could be travelling, chilling out, working - all manner of things and you don't have to explain yourself to anyone and neither do your DC. My dh never went to anything and we ( me and DC) just got on with it.

Other women alone with DC are everywhere for many reasons, do you judge? Of course not! And if anyone asks, just say " he's busy today" and enjoy making friends and showing your DC how to fill their time. If your dh won't move, you must - for yours and your DC sake.

He is controlling the household with his inertia. Change that dynamic in a nice way- a walk and a picnic. If he can't go, say ok, and go. Do not rush back and cook his dinner. Get the kids a pizza and have fun. He can sort himself a sandwich or maybe cook for everyone's return. If he won't, say " ok" and do something else. But don't revolve around him. It's not healthy. Plus, it will force change. That's good, right?