When grandparent isn't interested in grandchild

[granulatedhappiness]

My DD's grandmother doesn't seem interested in her and I wondered if anyone else has experienced this and how they've handled it as their child has got older.

DD is 6 and rarely sees GM even though we live in the same street. When DD was 2, GM started to make promises that she wouldn't keep which would result in DD getting understandably upset. We would invite her round and she would text to say she'd be "round in a bit" but then wouldn't turn up and we never got any explanation. After a year or so of this, I stopped inviting her round, although I would always be very pleasant to her when we did see her.

Sometimes weeks or months can go by and we never see her. She never texts or asks us round to her house so she can find out what DD is up to. I would think it normal for a grandparent to be even a little bit interested in their grandchild.

I was talking to my DH about this and he said that he's not surprised because she was never that interested in her own kids (DH and his brothers). I think I've come to the conclusion that this is the way she is and I have to accept it. DH has told me about how she treated him when he was younger which I feel was abusive so I'm not sure I even want her to have a relationship with DD.

As DD gets older, she'll wonder why she doesn't see her GM much. She's probably already wondering. Her other grandparents live a 5 hour drive away so she understands why we don't see them very often. I wonder if anyone else has had a similar situation. How have you handled it?

BrieAndChilli My parents have driven past and not popped in.

My mum would happily be a GM if I drove the 2 hours to her house.

Happy to babysit if I dropped the DC at her house

You get the idea

damnautocorrect I could have written your post. I'm so angry on behalf of my dc, they're lovely and have done nothing wrong but are treated as if they just don't matter.

My dad was like this with my nephew (my brother's little boy), just a total lack of interest. My brother and his family live in Germany but came over when my nephew was 3, dad just treated him like an uninteresting object.
My brother was really hurt and it caused a rift with him and my dad.
My dad tried to pass it off as "well they live abroad, I don't see them", but it was just a complete lack of interest.

My grandma (mum's mum), was also totally disinterested in me and my siblings when we were kids. She was cold and distant with my mum, we rarely saw her and she meant nothing to me growing up.

My ExFIL and his second wife really aren't interested in their two GC. Even when I was married to his son he never bothered to even fain interest and in my DD life he has seen her approximately ten times, and surprisingly she is ten!

They have only visited my house twice in fifteen years and never call on birthdays Christmas etc. I used to be quite bothered by the lack of interest but over the years I have come to realise that they are missing out not my DC.

I think the real nail in the coffin came when I was informed by his Daughter that ExFIL doesn't even see her son who lives next door! Many years ago he made the point to her that he doesn't have to be interested in his DC (he has 6) because no one bothered to ask him if he wanted to be a GF before thinking about having children. Yes he really is a piece of work!

I'm in the same boat. I've been NC for years and I thank God I don't have to see him or stepmother number 4!

redtulip what a fine piece of work!!!

My mother blamed me for the DC not being happy to be left with her because I didn't drive the 2 hour trip each way every weekend. Nothing stopping getting off her arse.

Haven't read it all, but if it is any consolation, my grandmother lived with us, was generally quite unpleasant and her treatment of me left lasting scars. So having non-involved grandparents is still one up on having awful grandparents

We have a similar situation. My parents revolve around doing childcare for my brother's children (four and counting) and they completely ignore our DC. My mum keeps going on that we should have more children, the irony that we have no help whatsoever is lost on her .

She also huffs that DH's parents are much more involved even though they live abroad - but they love coming to visit and were very clear about boundaries with their own children - they would babysit and do emergency childcare but would never be childminders for their GC. Because of this they have time and energy for all their grandchildren. The unfairness from my parents rankles.

My kids grandparents are very engaged, but I grew up with a grandmother who was not in the slightest bit interested in us.

She only lived 10 minutes from us, we went to her house 4 times per year and had to be on our best behaviour and in our best clothes, she came to our house once per year and it was a massive clean up before she arrived.

My mum passed away when we were young, and my grandmother never bothered with us even then, my dad was working and we were 5 little kids without our mother, but she never made an effort to spend time with us, take care of us or anything.

To be honest, it never bothered us as we grew up, it was just the way it was and we never expected differently. As I grew older, I realised it was not right, but as a young child it didn't cross my mind that it was wrong.

My dad explains it that she had a hard life herself and didn't know how to show affection, she raised 6 boys alone when she was widowed as a young Mom and she obviously had hardened herself.

I think your daughter will not even notice it, it will be irrelevant to her. Don't worry about it.

I would really try not to worry about it. Of course close relationships with grandparents do happen, but I think they are a lot more common than they used to be, and people did OK without them. I was lucky that my grandmothers were both fantastic people and very family-oriented but in both cases I was one of many grandchildren and we weren't that close because there were just so many of us. (In the case of my father's mother, I was also a bit female to interest her as much as all that). When you're 15th of 17 grandchildren the novelty has definitely worn off. My dh describes being completely devastated when his mother's mother died and I was frankly at the idea. Children just accept what is the norm in their lives.

What I think children do like though is stories. If you/Dh have any funny stories about your childhood with your parents, make sure you tell them those.

I don't think that my MIL even remembers my youngest' s name! She always, shamelessly, favoured my eldest dc, but when BIL met a girlfriend with 4 children, he wrote a poison pen letter saying, amongst other things, "Mum doesn't need your DC now, she has other Gc!" MIL's poison pen letter saying much the same followed BIL's. We haven't seen or heard from them except for 1 birthday card for dh from his dm a few months ago for 5 years.
Pity, but I heard that BIL & partner had split up & he was back living with his Mummy. Shame really.

My mum has just moved into a swanky house with her rich partner. She specifically told my nieces that she now lives in a gated community that doesn't allow children, in case they fancied popping in on their way home from school for a biscuit! My sister is going up the wall about it. She was the same with us though so it's not surprising. I guess they are much more with it then our grannies were and we just have to accept it.

Some really sad stories here and obviously some rather dysfunctional families and it makes me feel sad at how the generations have missed out on the enjoyment of each other.

In defence of the good enough grand parents, so often we would like to give more of our time however as you age childcare does get more difficult when you are full of aches and pains, not sleeping , worrying about your own ageing parents, worrying about the future because its closer than we think and so on.

Hopefully most of us do what we can and the best we can while also having a bit of time and enjoyment for ourselves. Children are very forgiving. Knowing that they are loved is everything to them and I hope my six know and understand that.

I'm very fortunate that they live close by and I see most of them weekly or more. Very, very fortunate. They are all so unique and special in their own ways it's been a privilege to be part of their lives.

I had one special moment the other night when I was tearing myself away from them. All three came and hugged me at once. Fantastic. I was lit up like a Christmas tree for hours after ;-)

I don't like the Summer holidays as I miss my twice weekly sessions with dgc. However I have been promised a couple of sleepovers with them and have put myself on permanent standby for babysitting. I don't understand some grandparents.

Downer I am with you all the way! I have nine but only two live near enough for regular visits. One good thing about the Summer is that I will see the others a couple of times at least.

My father's own abusive childhood makes it really difficult for him to see my DS but they are really involved with my Dsis's girls. It is heartbreaking but I do understand. He told me he was surprised that I was a good mother, projecting much? We live abroad now and we are pretty much NC but I worry what will happen if we ever go back.

I agree with the previous posters that "busy" is a great euphemism.

My PIL used to be fab if we took the children to them, but showed very little interest in the DCs own lives. When the DC were younger, DH used to lie and pretend that his parents had done things. So like when DD started school - she got given lots of good luck cards, people phoned to ask her how she got on etc. nothing from the ILs, so DH lied and said they had phoned him to wish them luck. But that became difficult when DH did it once and DD wanted to phone IL about a result from a very important comp she'd done and MIL was completely unaware and uninterested. So DH stopped that one!

We used to invite ILs to things, but stopped bothering when we found out MIL lied (at least twice) about not being able to come and see DC. We now go with the busy card, and the DC do accept that.

So when they have done shows or comps or had something going on in their lives (like trial days or starting school) they've had lots of people phone / text / wish them luck / send flowers etc, except the ILs who have never bothered. If the DC notice, we just say they're busy. Sometimes they notice, but mostly not and they do just accept it.

Hands up how many of you have read the post and are now wishing that thegreylady and Dowser were put children's gran!

Layde I don't know how old your DC are but mine worked out at an early age that there was only one grandchild who the world revolved around. Your DC will eventually click that MIL is always busy

I send frequent e-mails with our news. Never a reply or a text to the DC to say well done

Should say

Hands up how many of you have read the post and are now wishing that thegreylady and Dowser were our children's gran!

two out of four of my kids GP take no interest in them.
I am now used to it , and why should they, really ? just because I think my kids are wonderful there isn't really a reason anyone else including GPs should

Downer and thegreylady - I'm really jealous of your children and ILs I wish my ILs were half as interested in ds as you are in your dgc

Ds is 17 weeks (first dgc on either side)

My family (parents, sis and dbil)absolutely adore him. My mum and dad sees him at least once a week, sis and BIL every 10 days or so (she is expecting next month so no doubt this will become more frequent). He wasn't very well when he was born - my lot were at the hospital immediately bringing food, extra clothes, taking washing home etc - they were absolutely incredible.

My ILs? Couldn't even be bothered to come to the hospital (there was a while when we thought we'd lost him). They have 2 homes, so 3 weeks in Essex and 1 in NW London (where we are) each month. Except that they've just had their week here (after a gap of 4 weeks) and couldn't be bothered to see ds

We've chased a relationship with them for 15 years (they never call us, decline invites, never invite us to anything unless it's a birthday and they are going to get a gift out of it - I'm not chasing any more)

Sorry to vent but it's all extremely raw ATM - especially as they are the ones who badgered us for years about giving them dgc

Now I'm jealous because there won't be any more babies :( the oldest is 17 and the youngest is six. My dd will be 41 soon and she is our youngest and says she is finished having babies. I really miss the baby/toddler years though I do enjoy now very much.

This is my parents - tbh they were fucking awful parents so I'm not surprised.

After Id had DD they didn't call for 3 weeks - even then didn't ask after me or her. When I was pregnant they asked after DHs SIL pregnancy rather than mine, and didn't give a shit.

My M likes to play the victim card, my sister is NC with her kids and we live 250miles away so obviously it's not her fault she doesn't see her GC. It's all so terrible for her

My DDad told us recently that he was going fishing all weekend when we planned to visit so don't bother

Both of them are twats.

Thank god my sister is overly involved with our lives so my DD won't suffer from their cuntishness. I've expelled all the energy I can on them, there's nothing left emotionally from is now.