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Original poster

When grandparent isn't interested in grandchild

73 replies

granulatedhappiness · 13/07/2015 13:14

My DD's grandmother doesn't seem interested in her and I wondered if anyone else has experienced this and how they've handled it as their child has got older.

DD is 6 and rarely sees GM even though we live in the same street. When DD was 2, GM started to make promises that she wouldn't keep which would result in DD getting understandably upset. We would invite her round and she would text to say she'd be "round in a bit" but then wouldn't turn up and we never got any explanation. After a year or so of this, I stopped inviting her round, although I would always be very pleasant to her when we did see her.

Sometimes weeks or months can go by and we never see her. She never texts or asks us round to her house so she can find out what DD is up to. I would think it normal for a grandparent to be even a little bit interested in their grandchild.

I was talking to my DH about this and he said that he's not surprised because she was never that interested in her own kids (DH and his brothers). I think I've come to the conclusion that this is the way she is and I have to accept it. DH has told me about how she treated him when he was younger which I feel was abusive so I'm not sure I even want her to have a relationship with DD.

As DD gets older, she'll wonder why she doesn't see her GM much. She's probably already wondering. Her other grandparents live a 5 hour drive away so she understands why we don't see them very often. I wonder if anyone else has had a similar situation. How have you handled it?

OP posts:

ChampagneShowers · 13/07/2015 15:53

jimi, I know what you mean. Just remind yourself that you are the more capable sister, hence don't need all the help your sister gets.
SunnyB, I hope your children were ok about it, and understood that she isn't their grandmother then!

Damnautocorrect · 13/07/2015 15:54

My children paternal grandparents are like this too (10 minutes away if that), no interest all. The others get baby sat, holidays, presents, days out, meals out, sleep overs, over £3000 each in savings.
Mine, nothing. Luckily the way things are they don't know as they don't see their cousins. But its very sad and pisses me right off. Ive spent a lot of time upset that he's missing out, upset that its probably because I'm his mother.

The lack of support really shocked and upset me at first, i know its not a right, but i spent so much time with my grandparents when i was little, id just assumed it would happen with mine.
Unfortunately my family are over 200 miles away so we don't get to see much of them either and that breaks my heart as they would love to spend the time with mine.

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/07/2015 15:54

oh yes they have always known that she is not their grandmother, just my stepmother, but ......oh I don't know, it is just hurtful, that the first five grandchildren did not really 'count'.

ChampagneShowers · 13/07/2015 15:56

Like I say, SunnyB, her loss!

Damnautocorrect · 13/07/2015 15:57

Jimi how did you not respond to the present opening with "fuck off" that would have spilled out my mouth before i had a chance to think 'don't say it'

ChampagneShowers · 13/07/2015 16:03

Damn, that is really dreadful. But at least yours don't know. Why are they like that?

We had similar with paternal pil (no idea about the savings though - I doubt that - how do you know yours made saving for their other GC?) but a combination of us withdrawing and possibly DS just charming them and winning them over made the differences much less obvious. I do believe they favoured SIL's children because they favoured SIL over DH as kids, but also because SIL just can't manage her kids by herself (with her H) whereas DH and I are perfectly capable. SIL NEEDED hers babysat for days on end, needed them kept overnight etc - we have never needed that, and I think PIL liked to be needed. Plus they have more in common with SIL than they do us (e.g. religion.) Also, SIL is happy to palm hers off for weeks on end so PIL can take them on holiday quite freely, whereas I don't mine away from me.

Viviennemary · 13/07/2015 16:08

This is unusual when you both live in the same street. I've heard of families complaining when one grandchild gets a lot more attention than others for no apparent reason. I don't think there is that much you can do about it to make her interested. It is annoying though but I'd just say her loss.

jimijack · 13/07/2015 16:09

Well now, I do have a loose tongue, I am free with my "fuck the fuck off to the far end of fuck off" type comments but it has been going on for 12 years as dn & ds are the same age, so it's pretty much the way it is now.

She clearly sees my children as nothing to do with her, and dn as the only gc, even though she lives about 5 minutes from my house, my older boy sees her about twice a year, she never asks about him, he never asks about her. (It was him that said that her house is like a shrine actually, not me)

I can't be arsed to have it out. Too much effort for zero gain.

ChampagneShowers · 13/07/2015 16:13

And you have no idea why, jimi? I just don't understand how people can act like this. I have two DC and love them equally, and I will love any GC I get equally too.

jimijack · 13/07/2015 16:16

My sister lived with my mum from when dn was born, on and off has gone back over the years, I think it may be that as my mum kind of co parented....or had dn dumped on her all the time so possibly there is a stronger bond because of that.

ChampagneShowers · 13/07/2015 16:22

I think that does explain it, jimi, but of course doesn't excuse it carrying on like it has. I do think PIL had to do a lot for SIL, hence knowing her kids better than they did mine.

Damnautocorrect · 13/07/2015 16:23

champagne we used to see the other grand children a lot, and one of them was proudly boasting about how much they all had been given. We've had boasting about " we've been to x amount of countries, oh, yours hasn't even been on a plane".
Its just not fair. Especially when our financial situation is a lot worse then their parents, so we can't match it /make it up.
How does your DH deal with it?
I said to mine once "what have ours done wrong?", some of it he hadn't noticed, some he had. It obviously makes him sad too, although he'd never say anything.

Jimi I can understand why you would take that stance, it is easier. It sounds like you have the kind of relationship with your ds that you can both roll your eyes and laugh about it. I had a bit of a loose tongue moment with a relative recently, and they genuinely had no idea what i was on about - it didn't achieve anything, they just thought i was mental

BrieAndChilli · 13/07/2015 16:34

My mum hasn't seen the kids in 2 years and it was sporadic before that. Ds2 age 4 wouldn't know her from Adam. My dad lives in Germany and has met ds1 twice and dd once and ds2 never.
MIL is great but unfortunately loves 2 hours away but comes up several times a year, rings, sends random parcels etc. kids love her and are going to stay with her for a few days in the holidays.
FIL lives nearby and kids love him too even though he has aspergers and travels for week at a time. We do a lot of days out with him and his partner (who loves them like her own), they come over for tea, been camping etc etc and babysit.

BrieAndChilli · 13/07/2015 16:35

My mum told me she couldn't manage the drive to visit us as it was too much for her, couple months later she literally drove past my house to go to Ireland!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 13/07/2015 16:38

Ooo room for one more on the 'sick of crappy/disinterested grandparent/s bench'?

My Mil is like this, my DC refer to my Mil/their nana as their cousins Nana - ie 'Bob and Betty's Nana' as opposed to say 'Nana Jones' ...says it all really...

Sorry, wish I could offer an insight but if they're not interested, they're not interested - their loss.

More of your lovely DC to enjoy yourself

blendedfamilygrinch · 13/07/2015 16:40

Yes.
My dad is incredibly lazy. He's not been to see us for 3 years. We go 3-4 times a year & he finds every excuse to spend as little time possible with the dc (lies in, does odd jobs round the house, takes hour long baths, shuts himself away with computer). Yet will say thing to me like I should have another child as he wants more grandchildren!
Stepmum visits her dd every month & frequently has her grandchildren to stay. And fills up my facebook feed with posts about how wonderful it is being a grandparent & how lucky she is to have 10 grandchildren (including mine in the headcount to boast to friends but not actually in any other part of her life)

wafflyversatile · 13/07/2015 16:42

Not seeing her grandmother very much will just seem normal to her.

Some kids see their grandparents every day, some once a week, or fortnight, some once or twice a year and that is what's normal for them.

As she doesn't sound like she's good with kids anyway it's no bad thing that she isn't wanting to be around all the time.

ChampagneShowers · 13/07/2015 16:45

Damn, that sucks. I think our DC must be younger, so not come up against it (yet). And SIL's kids haven't been anywhere amazing on holiday, so no jealousy here. And luckily we are able to take ours away more (they have more children now so a bit more restricted than us. We cut our cloth and stuck at two.) DH is fine - he knows our kids will have a better lifestyle because of what we can offer them ourselves, and we are proud that we can manage our own children without relying on anyone else. He is used to it - he has always been the more capable child, so they've always helped SIL more, and other BIL. He's very laid back - doesn't feel it's a competition, but he won't tolerate our DC feeling second best, so we did withdraw completely for a while. PIL then stepped up - made an effort to see us more, and stopped banging on about how awesome the other GC were, stopped blethering on about what they were doing with them etc - so so far, DS (DD is a baby, too young to know) hasn't felt hard done by. Plus he is now that age where he is more interactive and I do think he won them over with his charm.
Plus DH knows that we are quite different to PIL and SIL - PIL raised them strictly religious - SIL has stuck with the religion, whereas DH rejected religion, so we feel perhaps that is why they don't favour us heathens!

blueribbons · 13/07/2015 17:37

After ex and I divorced, his parents made a deliberate decision to stop seeing the kids - GM had never really been interested anyway, but GD had been great with them when he saw them. It is sadder for the adults involved, the kids just accept it and carry on!

Drew64 · 13/07/2015 17:45

Our DC are 15 and 12 and have never been to stay at the in laws, my father is 73 and will have the DC but they are bored when they visit as he makes little effort, even when my mother was alive they made little effort.

We are surrounded by my DW cousins who's parents dote on their grandchildren and are always having them for weekends and taking them on holiday giving the parents some much needed time off.

We've got used to it, we still moan about our parents but we just get on with it now and have vowed to learn to be better grandparents than out own parents.

You are not alone

CheersMedea · 13/07/2015 18:47

I just don't understand how people can act like this. I have two DC and love them equally, and I will love any GC I get equally too.

You don't know what the future holds though. I think in a lot of cases, the issue is the [son/daughter] in law that is the problem - particularly if it is a daughter in law.

I know a couple of situations where the grandparents think that their son/daughter married a dreadful person that they cannot stand. Of course, in an ideal world, one would realise that the GC can't pick their parents and are innocent - but most people are human!

It can be really difficult if a grandchild is half of a person that is detested and also that every time you have to see them for many years, you have to see that person too. This tends to be worse if the mother is a daughter in law because often she is always with the children as primary carer; it can be easier to avoid a father if he is not the primary carer.

My family has inlaw issues - not really about GC - but I've seen this kind of behaviour in a couple of families.

If it feels like the GP are favouring other GC, then they probably are and there is a high chance that what it is actually about is not liking the parent who is the in-law.

ChampagneShowers · 13/07/2015 18:55

CM, I will still love any GC equally, no matter what. No matter what I think about their other parent. I will be in their lives as much as I am allowed, and I will treat them equally financially - no savings account for one and not the others.
I am actually pretty certain that PIL prefer me to SIL's H! They just are needed by SIL more, she relies on them, and DH and I don't.
Interestingly, I also believe PIL favour SIL's daughters over the sons - the sons look like their father. Hmmm.

Damnautocorrect · 13/07/2015 19:02

not liking the parent who is the in-law
Well that makes me feel better

I think champagne you've hit the nail on the head with the 'more capable' comment. Its the same with us, SIL is always having a drama, always needing a baby sitter, always needing help. We've learnt not to rely or ask anymore as we come down the pile, so just get on with it. So are 'more capable' and less needy.

CheersMedea · 13/07/2015 19:03

No matter what I think about their other parent. I will be in their lives as much as I am allowed,

Playing devil's advocate here but I don't think you can say that. What if the in-law was always verbally abusive towards you? Or violent? And refused to let the children see you not in their presence? Or not even at that level, someone that you just couldn't stand to be around for whatever reason? It's unreal to think that wouldn't affect how much you would be in the lives of grandchildren.

It does happen that some people are fundamentally abhorrent!

ChampagneShowers · 13/07/2015 19:31

:) @ Damn. Yeah, it does me too - it's nice not relying on anyone apart from DH.

Cheers, I will have to wait and see, but I do hope I will raise my children not to choose such unworthy people to procreate with! :)
But yes, even if I am not allowed, I will TREAT them equally when I am, and if I am not allowed at all, I will at least leave them an equal share of my will.

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