misunderstanding escalated into horrible row

[chuncksterboo]

dh and i went shopping and went off separately for a while and agreed to meet later. i turned up early at where i thought we were supposed to be meeting. 5 mins after when he should have been there i called him (he's rarely late) no signal on his phone. i tried again afew times , same thing kept happening. Then i dropped my phone, and it broke. was v wound uo by now and decided to go looking for him. After a while found him waiting somewhere else and i got really annoyed and asked where he's been and started getting really annoyed about it and my phone etc. he then shouted at me, ok then we're going home. This upset me even more and ended up walking throught the shop after him crying. he was annoyed that i had a go at thim and i was annoyed that he didn't care i was so upset. he shouted in front of dd and she cried for ages. feel terrible now, i know it was a misunderstanding but hate how furious he gets. he has agreed to see a counsellor to discuss controlling his anger but i don't feel too oprimistic about anything cahnging at present. Any advice anyone? Do i apologise for my part in this and move on?

It was a misunderstanding like you say. You were waiting and worrying and getting annoyed and he was doing exactly the same. It is hardly surprising you came to blows. He ought to apologise though.

don't apologise, just move on.

dp stormed off and left me with a baby and a toddler at the checkout in lidl last week with all the shopping to pack as dd was having a tantrum and he insisted on holding her even though she wasn't crying when i held her. i told him off for yelling at her and he walked out.

you are not alone, lots of us have twats, i find it best to get mad for a suitable length of time and then move on.

make sure he understands that yelling in front of dd and scaring her is simply not on though before you leave it go completly. whether he apologises to you or not he should apologise to her

dd i 7 months - do you think she would have been sacted by him - i thbk she probably was upset by the arguing

you talk about his anger, but you said that you got angry with him - you wound yourself up before you even set eyes on him. if you approach someone in an angry manner, they are likely to respond to you in the same way. perhaps going somewhere together (eg relate) might help the 2 of you understand and maybe alter the way you interact with one another.

i know my dd is always terrified of my dp yelling as it's much more aggressive when a man yells.

maybe not an apology when she's that little but definitely make him understand that it's simply not on

Not sure that relate is necessary. he just came to try to make up but denies that he scared dd, i thinks i did

he was also mocking me (imitating the wasy i was talking when i was upset) on the way home. He did this for the first time a few months ago and it's happeneda couple of times since. I hate it, it seems so spiteful

yup dp does that too, incredibly irritating. i tend to just blank him at that point. if they can't argue like adults then they should just shut up imo!

i'm so upset by the whole thing - just sitting here crying now. he tried to make up a few minutes ago, no apology tho - just wanted to get on with the evening i think. probably wanted me to make dinner

well we slept in separate rooms last night as i couldnt bear to be around him after his shouting. he acted like nothing had happened this morning and when i didnt respond, he just said i wanted to carry on arguing. i don't want all this nastiness, so much hoping that his counselling help. just don't know what to do now

you're right, it's nothing to do with the misunderstanding about where we were meeting. it's about his showing no sympathy about how upset i was and then mocking me and shouting in the car, which was making me and dd cry. dd was sobbing when i got her out of the car in i way i've never seen before, it was absolutely pitiful - she just clung to me sobbbing and eventually calmed down

feel so sad that he was so nasty - just don't know what to do and am dreading him coming home later. what should i do? he's asked me to tel him when he's shouting so that he can stop and whenhe's calm he agrees it's a good idea, when when is is shouting and i tell him, he just denies that he is and carries on ranting

I do think relate or something is a good idea -- it's not just a last resort for the desperate. The two of you clearly have communication issues and some background "stuff" going on that means you (you plural) don't react very well in specific situations and relate could help you to get to the bottom of those issues before you get too many more incidents like this.

I think you should say something like "I'm sorry I overreacted in the shopping centre; I'd been worried about you and I'd broken my phone and I got very stressed. But when you shout or make fun of me I feel more frustrated and more angry and everything escalates out of control."

What would you have liked him to have done instead? You can add that in e.g. "It would really help if when I get stressed like that you could stay calm and do X instead, and then we can talk about the problem more sensibly"

he has agreed to try to stay calm when i'm stressed but he can't do it. he takes everything as apersonal attack and gets furious and completle out of control. he's agreed to go to a counsellor to try to express his anger in a more controlled way but when he's angry he denies he has a problem. i dread what he'll be like when dd starts toddler tantrums/stroppy teenage phase

I'm sorry but from what you said you got annoyed with him and he reacted ... I think its 50:50 this one .. and I think you might want to look at your own reactions before you continue to feel so aggreived

a child will get scared at both parents kicking off

and you can't use tears / upset as an argument that he is at fault .. he wants to forget about it (standard response from non-grudge holders) .. you want to resolve it(standard response from a woman) .. the only way you'll be able to do that is if you talk about it and you probably need a mediator to help get over the 'its all his fault' concept and to help him get over his lack of respect for your upset

I must say if someone was crying about a past argument the next day I'd probably be a little narked and feel that they just wanted to continue the argument

I may be way off base with this one .. but the way your post reads that is my honest interpretation and I post it not to be condemnatory but to be helpful

because you aren't going to resolve this by people just being sympathetic / empathetic but by looking inwards at yourselves and your relationship .. and sometimes that's hard to hear

feel free to ignore anything I've said ..

Dunno what is so wrong with this. He's a shouter, it doesn't mean to say he has a problem. Was he threatening you?

I'm a shouter too, I go off the rails at times and everything you said about your dp you could apply to me, apart from the imitating bit which I agree is annoying.

I would call a truce. It was a misunderstanding, turn the tables - how would you have felt if he had turned up late and started shouting at you? He was feeling just as annoyed as you were and yet he was confronted by you shouting and blaming him. Who shouted first then?

You can't put all the blame on him and demand that he goes to counselling, you have to admit that you were unreasonable too.

As for your dd, hey grown ups shout sometimes! It means she won't grow up to be a nervy child who jumps every time someone raises their voice! My kids are used to me yelling at them now! I'm not saying it's good, but I wouldn't go as far as to say I need counselling for it!

oh well said Rhubarb

Sod off you!

rhubarb and twiglett - you talk alot of sense. i know i shouldn't have shouted at him as soon as i saw him but i was so stressed i snapped - i was in tears while i was shouting as it had just all got too much ( had stressful week too which he knew about)i just wanted him to be gentle and hug me but instead he got angry and said he was going home and didn't want to be with me and left me following him through town in tears with people looking at me and asking if i was ok.i felt so humiliated to be in that state in public. he just walked on ahead til we got to the car - he did try to come back to hug me after i'd been following him in tears for about 5 minutes but he'd hurt me too much for me to accept it by then

yes .. and all those feelings are totally understandable but you need to put it behind you now and try to accept your own responsibility (which you patently have) and let him know

do you find it hard to let go of strong feelings?