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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared of my DH what now?

72 replies

AllChanged · 13/07/2015 10:28

DH has gone from being my rock to scaring me. I am finally free of my depression and anxiety and thought this would be a happy time for us both. Only he's snapping at me, clingy and had a panic attack after my first ever night out alone since we got together, because he thinks I'm cheating with a friend of oursSad. While at the same time saying he knows I wouldn't do that, it's just him being insecure.

He's arranged childcare for nights out, something he never does. Only its so he can come on nights I have arranged. I feel I cant move without him being there. We have had issue with him being controlling before and counselling helped a lot. Only now I'm worrying I have been blind and just accepted things, even when others have questioned his actions.

He said I shouldn't change how I behave as that's not fair on me but I already feel like I have to so I don't make him feel worse. I want to ignore it, so it will go away but its notSad. I want to tell someone in RL but I don't want people to think bad of him.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 13/07/2015 21:26

Re the tenancy, when does the tenancy end? Are you still in the dated initial period or on a rolling tenancy because that's expired? I'm assuming it's an assured short hold tenancy?

You can give notice in writing that you are ending the tenancy in accordance with the timeframe laid out in the tenancy agreement.

Either of you can move out in the meantime but be aware joint remnants are equally responsible for rent payments and any deductions from the deposit.

Also if you move out make sure you inform the utilities and take readings so you aren't liable for further charges from them.

Original poster
AllChanged · 13/07/2015 22:02

We are on a rolling contract now, been here a long time. Hopefully that would help me to stay.

I don't have iPhone so that's OK. I will also stay off family computer if searching anything. I did take app off but thinking i may need to leave it on. So as not antagonise him into being worse, if i want to be able to plan anything in case I need to leave that would be easier.

OP posts:
tribpot · 13/07/2015 23:33

Sure but if the app tracks you to a solicitor's office or similar, your cover will be blown. I agree, taking the app off is likely to alert him as well, but you will have to be very careful. I would start disabling location services on your phone (so the app is still present but it can't detect where you are). See if he notices and if he does say your battery is getting drained when you're out.

DoreenLethal · 13/07/2015 23:51

Or leave your phone at home.

Tetleys · 14/07/2015 00:05

"I feel like I can't just blame him and say I'm perfect, which I'm not. In order to get fair advice I thought I'd be totally honest on here."

You're not on trial. You don't need to be perfect yourself to earn the right to choose who you want to be with. You can end a relationship for no reason other than because you want to.

He will make that very simple fact confusing. he will accuse you of everything under the sun, as though all of this evidence against you negates your rights to end a relationship or just be away from people who make you feel bad.

He will be like a cross-examining barrister putting you on trial. But remember, don't waste your time arguing with him. Just agree with him and say yeh you're right, we are finished.

NameChange30 · 14/07/2015 00:06

OP please do look at the Women's Aid website, particularly the advice on staying safe online and planning to leave.
They have a 24 hour helpline you could call if you need advice, they should also be able to put you in touch with solicitors who are experienced in supporting women in situations like yours.
Focus on close friends and family who will support you 100%. Try not to worry about his friends and family or mutual friends. He is likely to hide his behaviour from everyone but you, so they won't necessarily "get" it.
Good luck Flowers

SolidGoldBrass · 14/07/2015 01:48

Please don't waste any time or effort trying to discuss'our relationship; with this inadequate wankstain. He is a bad person OP. He will not change. He means you harm - possibly not immediate, physical harm (though he would get there in the end) but he intends to reduce you to a helpless, passive, obedient domestic animal.
Get advice from Women's Aid or the local police DV unit, get essential items out of the house to a safe place as soon as possible - passports, birth certificates, baby photos, etc and if he makes threats or raises a hand to you call the police immediately and get it logged.

Original poster
AllChanged · 14/07/2015 09:42

I have decided to give it the summer holiday's, that way he has a chance to accept me creating a social life for myself or it's over. That gives me time to get things sorted and know where I stand but most of all get used to the idea this is a possibility. Right now I feel like this is happening to someone else.

I have been offered a job, one day a week. It would be on self employed basis, I have no idea if that would mean difficulties applying for benefits should we split. Does anyone know about this?

I did put location back on but I can leave phone at home if I need to visit somewhere I need to keep to myself. He is incredibly tech wavy and I'm not. Also I'm a terrible liar, so need to avoid that as much as possible.

OP posts:
Tetleys · 14/07/2015 10:31

Take the job pet. It will give you confidence. You will see from his reaction how easy a life with him is going to be.

You have the right to a job, a life, friends, privacy, your own thoughts

Take the job, arrange things with your friends.

When you need to know about benefits there will be plenty of people who can advise. But definitely take the job!!! I took a part time job two years ago and it has put be back in the work place. It's been good for me.
xx

butterflygirl15 · 14/07/2015 10:36

go the the entitledto website and there you can calculate what you will be entitled to.

Original poster
AllChanged · 16/07/2015 11:13

I thought this would be easier than it is. I didn't even make it to the end of the week before I wanted out, so giving our relationship the summer was wishful thinking.

I spoke to DH last night and told him I don't know how we go forward. I don't want to go back into my depression while I'm helping support him to get better. He has organised counselling to deal with why he's so insecure.

He offered to do anything and has agreed to me going out when I want without him and to not challenge that. We're supposed to be
away this summer but I told him we will see how things go between us. I know I have taken the easy way as I'm scared of how on much life could change. If I have to leave the house DC1 would need to move school. I literally have my friends and that it, being moved away from them would be too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllChanged · 16/07/2015 11:16

oops posted too soon...

How long would it take for benefits to kick in? I have no idea about that stuff. Would it mean going to job centre weekly? Its all so daunting[sad.

OP posts:
SugarOnTop · 16/07/2015 14:21

none of this is easy OP and you're not taking ' the easy way out'. like many of us you have to move at your own pace and in your own way, if that means playing along with him until you've got the details sorted then so be it. just don't lose focus of the bigger picture just because he's making noises about getting help etc....it sounds like he's only making promises to get help in order to stop/delay you leaving. stay strong

SugarOnTop · 16/07/2015 14:23

benefits can take up to 4 weeks to get processed before the money hits your account,

Original poster
AllChanged · 17/07/2015 10:14

Thank you for this support. I feel like I'm just drifting through the days. I can feel myself detaching from it all and thinking about how nice DH can be.

He was emotional last night and is open about how he knows he messed up. I just don't know what is his anxiety making him say the right things so I stay, or honest regret over his behavior.

I was thinking today, I have no intention of being with anyone else. I have had a few LTR that have had this treatment, so would make same choice without working on that. I know being on my own would get boring eventually so if he does manage his behavior well, would it be that bad to just stay? I know I'm not overly happy but it is easier and less damage to the DC. We don't really fight, more disagreements and they see us as best friends apparently (we do make a good team parenting).

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 17/07/2015 10:58

It sounds like you want to stay with him and you're persuading yourself it's the right decision. If you're not ready to leave, you're not ready, but remember: no one should feel scared of their partner. And it's not necessarily a choice between being with him or being alone. In time you might meet someone else. Having said that I think you need to work on yourself first, have you considering getting counselling and/or doing the Freedom Programme?

cozietoesie · 17/07/2015 11:15

As AnotherEmma said - no one should feel scared of their partner. (And you also have DCs to take care of - you don't need them being affected adversely later down the line.)

You haven't chosen a way which is easy by the way - but then staying would probably be so much worse in the longer term.

I think that PPs are right in that you do need to do some work on yourself - the being in more than one LTR with these characteristics shows that in particular. Any chance of counselling?

butterflygirl15 · 17/07/2015 11:31

I don't think you should stay for those reasons no. Staying together for the children or because you are scared of being alone are the worst reasons.

And you are scared of him - that is enough reason to not be with him surely?

And please do the Freedom Programme too.

differentnameforthis · 17/07/2015 11:50

I have never have had anything to hide so was OK with him seeing my whereabouts It isn't about having anything to hide, op ... it's a massive invasion of your privacy & private time.

I can see how, when ill, you thought it was a loving gesture, designed to keep you safe, but it wasn't, isn't..it's a device to watch your every move.

Original poster
AllChanged · 04/08/2015 13:55

I thought I would come back with a bit of an update. I only made it a few more days after my last post before I couldn't cope with it any more.

DH had been questioning me all the time about how I felt, despite my reassurance. I said that it wasn't working him trying to use me as his security blanket and also being the trigger for his anxiety. I told him I needed to separate two weeks ago but agreed to remain in the same household.

It's been a lot harder than I anticipated. We have had quite a few discussions about him behaving as though we're still together, being overly affectionate. He also started telling me how much I mean to him. I have always been very vocal with my emotions and he was very reserved AMD would rarely reciprocate beyond 'I love you'. Now its like he's in over drive and saying all I used to say to him. I find it hard to not see it as an attempt to stop me leaving him, which is a horrible thing to think but its just such a change and so full on and suffocating.

He has finally backed off and given me space. We sleep separately as I don't feel comfortable in same bed. He's started medication and counselling accepting it will take time to regain my trust. In the mean time friends have been a good support and I've made it out for a few nights.

When he's not here I miss him and look forward to him getting home. Only once he's been in 5 min, I start to worry I'm getting too close and I will just go back to how it was, him controlling things so I keep to myself and he's finding that hard. When I mentioned yesterday whether living separate is better, he said being together is better for us as a family. I just don't know what is the truth and what is him trying to manipulate me any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllChanged · 04/08/2015 14:00

I meant to say, I took all the advice about the app. I removed it and told him so when we separated.

OP posts:
butterflygirl15 · 04/08/2015 17:32

How long do you need to stay in the same house? A clean break will make it much easier in the long run.

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